Sunday, February 07, 2010

How To Lose Weight and Friends at the Same Time



I've lost 50 pounds using my secret Diet Plan, which I call "The Loner's Diet"...it's a 'secret' because almost no one wants to know about it...and it's a "Loner's Diet" because divulging the secret is a resentment-building conversation killer.

The secret is to eat less and to walk more. Simply eliminating snacks and sodas and seriously reducing meat and fried food consumption will work wonders in most people- in my case, I eliminated beer from my diet, started cooking at home and lost weight without even trying...but not many people want to hear that- they would rather hear about a non-existent  'miracle method'.

"PDTFP" (Put Down The Fucking Pringles)is the best advice I know, but dispensing it will not win you many friends in today's  high-fat workplace. It is easier  to trick people into doing what is good for them:

Reality- There are 1200 calories in that bag of Cheez Goobers you are nibbling in your work-cube and another 600 in the giant-ass soda that you are washing them down with. In other words, it ain't your thyroid, it's Frito-Lay, Pepsi and laziness that are making you fat. But who wants to hear that?

When I was in IT, I used to be able to make surprisingly accurate guesses about an individual's physique just by inspecting their computer keyboard and mouse. I would up-end the keyboard over a sheet of white paper, shake it vigorously and examine the particles that fell out.  If I saw orange Cheeto-esque crumbs fall out of the keypad, it was a sure bet that the user was overweight to some extent- the degree of obesity could be roughly estimated by the type and quantity of food particles that are found in the keyboard...it is worth noting that the people who didn't eat at their computers tended to be signifcantly thinner than those who did. Just sayin'.

Unfortunately, it's difficult to point this out without sounding like an asshole- luckily, I have found that people respond better to chicanery, flammery and Gypsy spell-casting than they do to simple truth; in order to seem nicer than I really am, I used the following "diet secret" on a co-worker at a recent job...I'll call him 'G' (for gullible).

G wasn't exactly fat,  but he was getting there and he wanted to lose weight... I knew from experience that some people find the truth to be somewhat offensive, so I was reluctant to tell him that if he PDTFP, he'd lose weight. Instead, I told G a highly-unscientific and preposterous lie:

"G", I explained, "the secret to losing weight is to keep your keyboard clean."

"Huh? My keyboard?"

"Yep. Disconnect it and your mouse and clean them thoroughly. If there is food on your keys, the Law of Attraction will attract Fat Thoughts to you unconsciously...your sub-conscious will cause your body to react as if it were over-eating and you will gain weight. It is the same mechanism that causes you to gain weight just by dreaming of fattening food- or by looking at pictures of desserts."

"Oh, right...that makes sense", G replied to my utterly nonsensical fabrication, "I read about that thing with the fattening dreams. That's pretty scary- if I go to bed hungry, I always dream of food, so I try to have a snack at night so I don't get fat in my sleep." 

" Exactly", I agreed, ignoring G's stunningly clueless state,
" keep your keyboard sparkling clean for six weeks and I guarantee that you will lose at least six pounds."

It would have been much easier (but less entertaining) to just say : "stop eating junk food at your desk", but that sort of direct approach  can be seen as insensitive...luckily, it is socially acceptable to hide the truth inside  fanciful, semi-mystic gibberish-in other words,  it is easier to get people to believe in 'The Law of Attraction' than it is to get them to walk two blocks to the store or to take the stairs instead of the elevator.

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Here's simple recipe that is healthy , tasty and cheap:

-Boil water
-Chop carrots
-Chop garlic
-Add carrots and garlic to boiling water
-Boil for slightly longer than the LP version of 'In-Gadda-da-Vida'
-Add slightly less than half as much brown rice as there is water, listen to side one of Neil Young's 'After the Gold Rush' LP
-Reduce heat, add curry paste, cayenne pepper, sea salt and a couple globs of non-hydrogenated peanut butter (seriously)
-Stir, simmer on low heat, listen to side two of '...Gold Rush'.

Serve with water, juice or coffee. Eat where the computer isn't.

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If you really must eat at the computer, please wear dark clothing in solid colors- those bright yellow floral  sweatpants are attracting some seriously Fat Thoughts and it's putting me off my beans.

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Note: I recently got an email from G. He's lost 18 pounds!

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Brim over I assent to but I contemplate the brief should prepare more info then it has.

secret agent woman said...

What? What?? You mean I have to stop eating deep-fried twinkies?

(The comment above is one of the oddest I've seen.)

Allan said...

Frying takes all the vitamins out of Twinkies, try boiling them and using the water as soup stock.

(My diet seems to attract Spam Thoughts, deleted the one below you...)

Anonymous said...

Nice post... Looks like flash memory is finally starting to take off. Hopefully we'll start seeing a drop in solid-state drive prices in the near future. $5 32 GB Micro SD Cards for your DS flash card... sounds gooooood.

(Posted on OperaV2 for R4i Nintendo DS.)

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

I've already given up potatoes, past, bread, dr peppers(except one dublin dr pepper a month)and blue bell ice cream...but im not giving up my fecking skunk eggs..

angel said...

Oh my GAWD I miss junk food... bread sticks... pasta... Lays Plain Salted... Coca Cola...
But I am losing weight, and I want to look at least a little thinner on my wedding day!

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