Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Self-appointed Teabagger spokesman Dickie LaDouche today held a press conference on the fifth floor of Central State Hospital, where he is recovering from complications suffered following an accidental overdose of Viagra, illegal moonshine whisky and KFC 'Double-Down' sandwiches. A partial transcript follows:
Mr. LaDouche : Greetings fellow patriots and thank you for coming today. Like most of you, I dream of an America with a small, unobtrusive and decentralized Federal Government- like my personal hero Grover Norquist says: "we need to shrink the government to the size where we can drown it in the bathtub." The recent public outrage over the so-called "Health-Care Reform" proves that Americans don't want to live in a big-nanny, Euro-styled Welfare State. Real patriotic Americans want the right to not have medical care if they can't afford it. And with the Federal government failing to create new jobs and failing to protect the existing ones from illegal immigrants, Americans want to exercise their right to not have health care more now than ever before.
Reporter: Mr. LaDouche, are you aware that you are an in-patient of a State-run psychiatric hospital that specializes in indigent care? This facility, such as it is, is almost entirely funded by government monies.
LaDouche: And what is "government money"? It's taxes, people! As a tax-payer, I resent having my hard-earned dollars stolen from me and used to mollycoddle the weak and lazy 'citizens' of this once-great land.
Reporter : Mr. LaDouche, I have a copy of your 2009 tax return here. It shows that you were unemployed for all of 2009 and didn't pay any income taxes last year; in fact you received a check for an extra $400 due to Obama's tax credit for unemployment benefits. Given your disdain for the "Welfare State", don't you find it somewhat hypocritical to receive tax credits, collect unemployment benefits and be a non-paying patient in a State-funded institution?
LaDouche: No, of course not. I'm a red-blooded American and I am willing to work, but the Federal Government has failed to protect our borders and our jobs, so what choice do I have? All I have left is patriotism and prayer- and the Obamites want to take away our God-given right to prayer.
Reporter: They do?
Doctor: They do?
Inmate: They do?
LaDouche: Yes! The Obama Socialists have banned our National Day of Prayer in their Satanic quest to Socialize atheism. Don't you watch the news?
Man (interrupts): Excuse me, Mr. LaDouche, but I am an ordained minister and I want to tell you that there is no State or Power on this Earth that can stop a person from praying. In fact, I've spent the last five minutes praying -silently- that you would shut the fuck up. Pardon my French.
LaDouche: Praying "silently"? What good does that do? The only good prayer is a public one, spoken out loud with the full backing of the American Government, not some godless French government like the one you mention! The Socialists won't let us have Nationalized Prayer! I'm tired of the government charging me money to tell me what I can and can't do! It's time to take our country back!
Doctor: If you had listened to the FDA warnings against mixing Viagra with alcohol, you wouldn't be in the hospital right now. Of course, if you'd obeyed the Federal laws against taking black-market prescription medicine and drinking unregulated liquor, you also wouldn't be in here now. Think of all the taxpayer money you could have saved.
Minister: In Matthew, we are warned against the street-corner proselytizers and hypocrites...
Reporter: A state-sponsored National Day of Prayer is Socialism.
Inmate: If we drown the Government in a bathtub, we will have anarchy- and a tiny, water-logged , revenue-free Federal Government would be far too small to protect our borders, much less wage two wars.Or fix our potholes, for that matter.
Doctor (to inmate): You aren't crazy. I'm releasing you.
Mexican-looking guy: A small government wouldn't be asking for my citizenship papers during traffic stops. Barry Goldwater would hate the new Arizona law.
LaDouche: Hey Jose, why don't you go back to Mexico?
MLG: I'm a Native American. I was born on a reservation and I really like what you say about "taking our country back". I hope you'll be leaving soon.