Thursday, July 01, 2010

A Hello To Arms



"Hello? Is this Mr. Allan Smithee?"

"That depends. Who are you?"

"My name is Jim and I'm calling from the NRA. We are conducting a survey and would like to know if you had a few minutes-"

"Wait. The NRA?"

"Yes, sir. The NRA."

"Never heard of you. Are you a bill collector?"

"Ahh, no...the National Rifle Association, sir - the NRA. We are a citizens group that has been defending Second Amendment rights for-"

"Oh, cool! I am all about the Freedom of Speech! Tell me more!"

"Um, sir, that--that is the First Amendment. The Second Amendment concerns the right to bear arms. We are the National Rifle Association, you understand, and we-"

"Oh ,snap! I know you now! Charlton Heston! "

"Ch-? Um, yes, the late Mr. Heston was once our-"

"Late? Charlton Heston is dead?"

"Yes, sir. I'm afraid he's been dead for sometime. But to get back to the pur-"

"Do you know when he died? Was it this year?"

"Sir, I do not know- a couple years, maybe? In any case, I'd like to play a short audio presentation for you and then get your answer to-"

"I really liked Planet of the Apes. It was my second favorite movie when I was a kid."

"Um, yes sir. I'm going to play the tape for you now. Please stay on the line so we can get your opinion."

"Aren't you gonna ask me what my favorite movie is?"

(Spook-house music swells, Male Announcer begins speaking, dripping portents and gravitas):

How would you feel if foreign dictators like Hugo Chavez and the presidents of North Korea and Iran dictated policy that stripped you of your Constitutional Rights? That is what the UN, with the support of Hillary Clinton and the Socialist Obama Administration are planning on doing right now! They are having secret meetings to enact a global ban on firearms that will strip you and all Americans of their 2nd Amendment rights. If you need more proof about how the UN feels about gun freedom, look no further than their front yard. The UN shamelessly displays a statue of a huge revolver- and the barrel is twisted into a knot!

"Hello, Mr. Smithee? My name is Jenna and I'm an NRA member. Did you get to hear the presentation?"

"Hi Jenna. Are there a lot of girls in the NRA?"

" We are open to any concerned citizen, sir. Do you remember the question from the presentation?"

"Was it about a movie? Star Wars was my favorite."

"Um, no. It was :"How would you feel if foreign dictators like Hugo Chavez and the presidents of North Korea and Iran dictated policy that stripped you of your Constitutional Rights?"

"Oh, that. Well, it's moot."


"We don't have to worry about that happening. Did you hear the news about the recent Supreme Court ruling? Nobody's going to take our guns away, we can rest easy. I'm not sure what Clinton has to do with it, but we are safe from her too. She spends a lot of time abroad, you know."

"Well...that may be so, but most Senators and Representatives want to regulate Second Amendment freedoms and enact un-Constitutional laws depriving you of your rights."

"It doesn't matter what they want. The Supreme Court upheld the right  to own handguns. Handguns are cheap, plentiful and legal for almost anyone to possess, almost anywhere. I don't know how you got the idea that the UN is going to take our guns away. I mean, if the UN can't control Somalia, how are they gonna deal with Los Angeles?"

"Well, believe it or not, there are forces conspiring to take back gum liberty and we need your support-"

"Wait. You want me to give money to you to help you fight  a threat that doesn't exist and battle the looming shadows of some seriously sweeping generalizations? That doesn't sound productive. How do I know you won't just blow it on cocaine and telemarketers?"

"Oh. [pause]  I see. Thank you for your time."


1. The rumor about the "UN Gun Ban" has been making the Right-Wing crackpot circuit for years now. Despite being repeated countless time, it still isn't true. I found it telling that the caller did not dispute my assertion that the pretense was false, he merely shifted the threat to "most Senators..."

2.The actual  front-loaded question would be a hilarious joke if real human beings didn't take it so seriously. Does anyone actually believe that UN peacekeepers could pacify America? How, exactly?

3.The statue does exist. I think the gun is representative of something larger than a single weapon. Elitists would call this symbolism, which sounds suspiciously like Socialism, two concepts most Wingers don't understand but innately fear.

4. Five minutes of intensive research shows me that the NRA has been making similar calls for quite some time. I was lucky to have real humans on mine, most reports are of robo-calls.


billy pilgrim said...

well put.

most your citizens would rather swim in pool of deadly toxins and live with lunatics toting ak47's than ban felons from owning automatic weapons.

so it goes.

Anonymous said...

I wish you could answer my telemarketer calls for me...