"There's a giant spider in the stairwell! ", she exclaimed.
"That's great!" I enthused,"it will eat 40 pounds of bothersome insects this year."
"Not this one", she said.
"I squashed it."
I was dispatched to clean it up.
My mother sure would be proud if she could see me scraping this spider off the concrete, I thought. And she used to say I'd never have a real job.
When I picked up the poor critter, it started moving and seemed to be rousing itself. I decided not to flush it away as intended.
I got on the elevator and headed down to the main lobby, paper towel and spider held at arm's length. The elevator stopped once, on the 7th floor , and a middle-aged man started to board. He glanced at the spider, blanched and backpedaled out, waving me on. I continued to the lobby.
My mother would be proud if she could see me carrying this spider down the elevator and through the fancy lobby of the building I work in. She'd be extra proud for freaking out the dude on the seventh floor. My mom had a weird sense of humor.
I paused to take a picture with my phone and I noticed the spider was leaking. I am no spider-veterinarian but I don't think spiders are supposed to leak. It was still moving, so I took it outside and tossed it in on the grass in the courtyard. A bluejay hopped over and swallowed it in two gulps. I went back to work.
SIGNS ARE A GIANT WASTE OF EVERYTHING
Ignore that sign. Everyone else does. Everyone except me, that is. I was trying to read my book at lunch and I kept getting distracted by this tabletop sign admonishing me not to drive distracted. I agree with what the sign says, but it misses an important point: people who drive while texting and talking on the phone do so because they are encased in bubbles of obliviousness. Traffic signals often fail to get their attention, so what chance does that tiny sign [above] stand?
Because that sign is useless. Less than useless. It is insulting. Adults really should know that stealing is wrong. If they don't know that, a tabletop sign is hardly a sufficient deterrent.
When I was younger I probably would have helped myself to some condiments too, but I'm older and I have a job. I can afford salt and pepper. I certainly don't need a sign to tell me that I'm not supposed to take things that don't belong to me. That sign doesn't do anything but piss me off. It would be better off recycled and converted into a napkin that I could blow my nose into.
This sign was left by me, for me. I doubt if it'll do any good either.