Tuesday, January 11, 2011

This Always Works

Dear Everyone Else,

Let's make a deal. On my end, I'll start by giving you a long and complicated set of rules. Your part of the bargain will be to follow those rules for the rest of your life.

What's in it for you? I will get around to that after I introduce you to a small sampling of My Stupid Laws For You To Follow.

Some will be based on common sense and may actually be good for you:

- No use of chainsaws between midnight and dawn, except on Fridays and Halloween.

- You must eat a bowl of porridge every Wednesday and Saturday. This must be the first meal of the day and you must use a clean spoon.

-Don't steal stuff.

Other Laws may be a bit more perplexing but you will be expected to follow them nonetheless:

-Starting at puberty, men must shave their faces from left to right. Women must shave their legs, left first , then right.

- A small dish of gravel must be placed on the dinner table every Friday night. This is not to be eaten.

- Blue and green must never be seen.

And there will be some Laws that are not only pointless, they will  make life significantly harder for no good reason at all:

- Only infertile married couples are allowed to use condoms. 'Infertile' may or may not be intended to indicate homosexual marriage. You will have to figure that one out yourselves. Decide peacefully , without rancor.

- No Internet before Bedtime.  Note that I have failed to define what ' before Bedtime' means exactly. I expect that all of you will be able to arrive at a mutually satisfactory definition of  'before Bedtime' without any arguments or strife arising from conflicting interpretations.

- Send 10 percent of your income to my PayPal account. Do this every year. 
OK, this one does have a reason. The reason is: the more money I get for free, the less I  will have to work.

Those Laws are just the tip of the Titanic. There are hundreds more where they came from. Feel free to make up a few of your own as well, just don't expect me personally to follow them.

Sounds pretty good so far, doesn't it?  What do you get as a reward?

After you die you will  have a really, really awesome afterlife. The best afterlife anyone ever had! You have my solemn promise on this as a guarantee.

Unless you break the rules. Infringement in life will be punished with an afterlife of eternal suffering in a fiery pit of boiling blood. You have my word.



Susan said...

I'm fine with these rules, except the bit about blue and green. I can't give them up!

billy pilgrim said...

i'm guessing you don't have to follow your rules.

Allan said...

BP- Of course not. That's crazy talk.

Allan said...

S- Even the tithing part?

Angel said...

Dude you're a genius! Why are you not president!??!
Erm, I only have a problem with the one about the shaving, I prefer to do my right leg first...


I broke 'em already..now what?

secret agent woman said...

I always shave my right leg first.

Allan said...

Angel- Geniuses seldom enter politics. Which explains a lot,eh?

JS- I'm granting you an exemption. You get to go to Valhalla as an honorary Valkyrie.

The rest of you had best adjust your shaving habits.

Craig D said...

You had me at "porrige."

NYD said...

I am wearing my amber colored sunglasses to comply with the blue/green rule, but unfortunately sending you 10% of my earnings would create a financial double negative in my account thereby forcing you to send money to me...

Oh. and may I exchange rice gruel for porridge?

Allan said...

NYD- Take comfort in knowing you'll be amongst friends.