Sex, Jobs and Obsession

Everyone needs a hobby, but I'm afraid that we are forced into having at least two universal American obsessions: Jobs/Work and Love/Sex. (If you were born into a wealthy family and are enjoying a blissful arranged marriage, just stop reading right now and go away. You wouldn't understand.)

Jobs and Sex.

By the time you're old enough to have either one, you'll be under pressure, having doubts and wondering why no-one likes you. Better get used to it.
True, you can get by without a job; and sex isn't a requirement for survival, but if you go too long without either you will eventually find yourself begging for both.
Being a beggar means living off of things no-one else wants, which makes you a sort of metaphorical cannibal, because you have become one of those unwanted things.
Even if it's going good for you now don't get comfy. It's just a matter of time until you find out that the only reason you got a raise is 'cause the Boss feels guilty about sleeping with your wife/husband/whatever. While you're at work.
Before you know it you'll catch them in the act, and then it's Help Wanted ads and seedy bars for you.
Endless nights of drunken self-pity loom as you collect letters of rejection and bogus phone numbers. Job interviews during the day,at night it's awkward advances on people who don't want to date you because you don't have a job. Which is also the reason employers don't wish to hire you.
If you're lucky, you'll get a temp job and/or a 3-night stand. It'll end abruptly and badly, leaving you wondering just what the hell you did wrong. The answer: Nothing.Everything. It doesn't matter. It really doesn't-you knew it was hopeless right from the start anyway.

Because all the good ones are taken. And you're not.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is excerpted from the Commencement speech I gave at my old High School.