Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Bachelor Feast

A yummy carnivorous treat that's cheap and easy. You'll need:

-Some cheap beef(like a flank steak), it should be no more than 3/4 thick. 'Reduced for quick sale' is fine, since you're gonna cook the hell out of it anyway. Get as much as your appetite for left-overs allows.

-Onions. Put the onions in the 'fridge for a while and you won't cry as much. Also, breathing primarily through the mouth while slicing onions helps. Don't be ashamed if you do-the world has long ago turned it's back on you, so no one is watching.
Don't use onion salt. If you have onion salt in your cabinet throw it away right now and get some real vegetables, fer chrissakes!

-Garlic. Use only fresh garlic. Peel it, dice it, place it in a dish with a little olive oil. Do not place in fridge.The next day you'll still smell it on your fingers. Your co-workers will wonder why you keep sniffing your fingertips. Remain mysterious, keep them wondering.
If you have powdered garlic or garlic salt, chuck them into the rubbish bin along with your onion salt. Hang your head in shame at letting these things into your home.

-Soy sauce.Use take-out packets if you have to.

-Worcestershire sauce.Buy the cheap shit, it's all the same for this purpose.

-Red Wine vinegar and various cooking oils.

-Alcoholic Beverages. I used cooking sherry last time, but if you plan on drinking, use something else. I suggest beer, but wine is OK as long as no one sees you drink it. Do all your slicing and dicing before you get drunk.

-potatoes. Not french fries or Tater Tots. Wash them, but do not peel. Wrap them in foil and stab them with a fork. Repeat if this makes you feel better. Set aside.

Options. Carrots, peppers, celery etc. Now is the time to clean out your crisper. Slice and dice anything that appears edible. Push anything rotten to the back of the ice-box and forget about it for now.

First put the meat in a dish and pour some vinegar, some oil, some beer/wine, garlic ,salt and pepper etc over it. Use a little thyme and oregano if available. Stir and place in fridge while you struggle with slicing the veggies. Let it sit long enough to watch a Simpsons re-run.

Heat a skillet over medium heat, add oil. I like Mongolian fire (hot-pepper enhanced)oil,but be a wimp if you want. I don't care. You can go to White Castle instead if you're gonna be like that.

Put meat in skillet. If it makes a sizzling sound, it's cooking. Lightly brown each side. Do not sear.

Add veggies, garlic and spices, saute for a few minutes, until the onions start to brown slightly. Reduce heat and add enough beer/wine, soy/Worcestershire sauce to just barely cover the meat. Put a lid on this and let simmer for another re-run. Check every once in a while to make sure the sauce hasn't all boiled away.

Heat oven to 450. Put the potatoes inside. Let them cook for about the same amount of time it takes to watch a Buffy re-run , (or two Simpsons.)

When TV-time is over, remove 'taters from oven. Turn oven off. Remove spud from foil wrapper. Howl in pain as your hands suffer first-degree burns. Be more careful next time. Cut potato open and spread flat on plate. Do not use paper plate!

Remove meat-piece from skillet, place on plate next to potato. Spoon veggie/gravy mix over potato. The meat should be very tender by now, and the flavors well-blended.

Grab another beer and serve yourself.Don't you wish you had someone to share this with?

1 comment:

Lyzard said...