Monday, August 09, 2004

Not Chocolates

Life is most certainly not a box of chocolates. It's a goddamn cargo container of conflicts. War rages all around me- people are being beaten , stabbed, shot and left to die in pools of their own blood, and I still have time to obsess on my own inner turmoil.

I could've fucked a mixed-up teenage girl in the ice room of a Motel 6 in New Jersey and I didn't. I hate myself for that. If I had screwed her I'd hate myself even more. Lose/lose situation here. Not even sure why this matters to me now, it's just an extreme example of the daily struggle that plays out inside my head.

It's not as if I'm a chivalrous knight-in-armor or any such thing. Far from it. I'm capable of doing very bad things. Hardly an hour passes that I don't have an unwelcome parade of purely evil thoughts- I have to quietly talk myself out of acting on them. It's difficult.

Part of growing up means realizing that your actions, even if they seem trivial and unimportant to you ,can have significant effects on others. Just because you aren't there to see the damage doesn't mean it's not done. Despite my rhetoric, I really have no desire to hurt anyone. You can't go through life without inadvertantly hurting others, but you can try not to anyway. I hope that makes sense.

Do what you want, or do what's right. Sometimes it's the same thing, but not always. I spend so much time reflecting on this that it's pretty fucking incredible that I ever get anything done. I'm freakin' paralyzed by my own sense of morality, which, if you've known me for a long time, is a pretty goddamn funny statement.

I don't wanna be the villian. I haven't got what it takes to be a hero. The middle ground is unacceptble. It's a vast grey area where nothing much happens, good or bad. It's a crowded place, but it's so lonely it could kill. I don't like living in this wasteland.

Sometimes I envy sociopaths. They might be insane axe-murderers but at least they know where they stand in relation to the rest of the world.I don't think I'm going to snap and go on a frenzied stabbing spree or anything, but I really would like to do something good someday.
Just not sure I know how.

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