Monday, August 09, 2004


Maybe it's the let-down after an adrenaline and alcohol fueled road trip. Maybe it's the by-product of an afternoon spent reading up on world events, maybe it's just the last few years catching up, I don't know. It's possible I'm just emotionally disturbed, but I feel a lot of pain right now.

It's not my pain. I'm used to that. I pretty much deserve that, but there are a lot of purer souls than me who are hurting, and it's not fair. It's not goddamn fair. It never has been and it never will be. We are all helpless together. Apart, it's worse.

It could be an image of a Sudanese mother desperately trying to get her dying infant to drink formula. It could be a very moving personal account of tragedy and loss I just saw on a young man's web-site. Or those books on my shelf that used to belong to my Mom. These days it doesn't take much to set me off into a spiral of sorrow and tears. It doesn't take much to make me happy either, but the happiness is more and more fleeting,while the undercurrent of sadness never goes away.

On the way home I hear about a local man who left his three-year-old daughter in a hot car for hours. She died. My first reaction was blind anger. Drag his body through the streets. Head on a pike at the city gates.
But really, how could any external punishment be worse than what he's got to be feeling? The funeral service is being held in the church that this child died right outside of. She baked to death in a church parking lot. Sometimes I hate this fucking world. What's the point in trying to be a decent person in a world where babies die twenty yards from a house of God? Why must these things happen?


Because it's not fair. No one can change that.

Never take a loved one for granted. Let them know you care before they become a memory. There's so much I wish I could say to people who aren't here anymore, but now it's too late. And every day it seems like there's one less person to love. Why didn't I say the right things when I had the chance? What was I afraid of?

It's not fair.

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