Saturday was so much fun, I didn’t open my mail ‘til Sunday. I had two identical envelopes to open-one addressed to me and one to my twin. Somehow , our last names were spelled differently . We got invites to our 20 year high school reunion. My grandma or cousin must’ve given someone my address, ‘cause I sure didn’t.
It’s worse than I thought-a two-day “Homecoming” event. Ewww.
The party is “BYOB –liquor only (set-ups soda, juice, mixers $2.50)”
What the fuck does that mean? That reminds me of Utah, where you bring a brown bag to the bar, pay too much for a coke and mix your own drinks. How pointless. If I’ve got a bottle of booze, I don’t need a “set-up”, I’ll just chug from the damn bottle. Why can't I bring beer? I used to bring it to school, why can't I bring it to the reunion?
“Music by DJ Connection.” Boy, that sounds great. I fuckin’ hated early ‘80’s pop music then-I’m sure I’d hate it even more today. The name 'DJ Connection' freakin' screams quality. The only thing worse would be a cover band called Mirage.
“Enclosed is a list of people we haven’t been able to locate, please let us know if you have any info”. Hmm…there are a few girls I wouldn’t mind seeing again and they are all on this list. I guess they aren’t going to be at the reunion, but that’s cool, cause neither am I.
Then there’s this form to fill out: Name , address, names of spouse and children etc…and a tiny little box asking me to “ give a few highlights from the last twenty years. Does getting away with the Perfect Murder count as a ‘highlight’? It fuckin’ should. (I'd tell you how I did that, but then I'd have to bore you to death)
Name a person or teacher that made a lasting impression on you:
Mrs. Brewer. I scarred her for life, I’m sure. There was some dumb-ass Senior ceremony where we were supposed to sing our class song-We’ve Only Just Begun by the Carpenters. Yuck! I snuck into the teacher’s lounge and printed a hundred or so copies of my version, titled No Wonder We’re So Dumb, on the ancient mimeograph machine. I then replaced the real lyrics with my parody. (I wish I still had a copy!) Chaos ensued. Mrs. Brewer was very upset. I didn’t get in trouble, but everyone was pretty sure I was the culprit.
What was the most important thing you learned at Warren County High?
I learned that if I had to do it all over again, I’d get my GED in 9th grade, drop out to sell dope or get a job as a mercenary in the jolly ole’ Belgian Congo or join the Merchant Marine, the Foriegn Legion , the Peace Corps or just shoot myself in the head-anything but spend a year of my life in that Hillbilly Helltown.