If I'm with someone who really turns me on; a must be with, must be one with, now and forever kind of person, my IQ drops at least 70 points.( Actually, it can't drop lower than 68 without going into negatives , but I digress).
I will believe almost anything she tells me. I'll spill my guts faster than a Mad Cow in a hot dog factory. I'll drive to county lock-up at 3:00 A.M. to post bail for her DUI ass. I assume the relationship means something, so I close my eyes to obvious signs until it's too late.
She's divorced.
Er, seperated.
Estranged-yeah , that's it!
Suddenly she's still married.
Hubby?
Getting out of detox.
Coming home.
Better for the kid.
Bye now.
This is the second time I've been through this shit. Last time, I was keeping the bed warm for a guy in jail for beating his wife. She also wasn't as divorced as I was told. Same shit.
Years ago, I was introduced to a new lover's (surprise visit) dad. Introduced as an old class-mate from some High School I'd never attended, who had just dropped by to visit. Her dad looked at me. He knew what was going on, but played cool. He was probably glad she found someone who could spend ten minutes with his daughter without giving her a black eye.
So, a couple weeks ago, I'm at a house that where someone I thought was my girlfriend lives. Briinng! Her Ma and Pa drop by.
Suddenly, I'm the guy from work who came by to pick up some paperwork. A clutter of Company papers that have nothing to do with my job are forced on me.
Escorted out.
Bye now.
Today, on the way home from work, I hit a pot-hole and my left rear tire re-aligns itself. Vertical to Horizontal. This brightens my day. I stop dwelling on what a hopeless, pitiful chump I am and think instead about more important shit.
Like: Fuck! This looks really expensive.
And: This car is really hard to push with only three wheels.
I get the machine into a 7-11 parking lot. It's not drivable. The 7-11 Ladies grudgingly let me use the yellow pages-I spend several dollars on 50-cent phone calls without finding a tow. (This is Richmond-you need to reserve a bloody taxi here- a tow? Yeah , just leave the key in your car and we'll pick it up. Uh huh.).
I go inside to buy another piece of Bazooka Joe (I need the change) , write down some more phone numbers and return to the pay phone.
It gets worse.
While I was inside, someone smeared a packet of mayonaise on the pay-phone reciever earpiece.
I learned this the hard way.
I'm starting to take all this crap personally.
Inside a week:
1) Dumped
2) Animal sacrifices itself in attempt to destroy my car and/ or kill me
3)Pothole succeeds where roadkill failed
4) Mayo in ear
I hope new boss lets me use a company car. Mine is down for over a week, and I gotta get to work somehow.
Sorry to be such a whiner.
7 comments:
Having been through many, many “relationships” (or so I thought) similar to the one you’ve described, it sounds to me like you haven’t had the breakthrough realization that eventually made my life easier. I finally stopped believing that I would find a woman who isn’t f*cked up. Instead, I had the epiphany that we are all psycho (especially those of us that are passionate about anything)…you just have to figure out which kind of psycho you would like most to date. This makes relationship screening much easier. To avoid the on-again-off-again boyfriend psychos, you’ve got to find a woman that’s been relationship-free for what you deem a generous recovery period. This might mean you’ve got a compulsive liar psycho (she hasn't really been relationship-free), a distrustful and commitment-phobic psycho, or maybe one that’s chronically depressed and substance abusing and thereby drives people away (this is my preferred type). I’ve now been in a 3-year relationship with one of the latter types, and have found that, aside from the mood-dips and drunken binges (which we share), she possesses a ton of thoroughly amazing and wonderful qualities—talented singer and guitarist, mechanically adept, creative, beautiful, hilarious, intelligent, outspoken…shares my interests of boating, camping, and hating people, etc. The vast majority of our time together is exceptional, and I couldn’t be happier with any other psycho. Persevere, dear lad, and you will eventually find her. (and stay away from the ones with the scarey boyfriends). d3
I just found your blog. You are absolutely hilarious and a good writer to boot. I've just recently started blogging and trying to figure out this whole blogroll thing, so will add you soon. =)
You know how they say some people find themselves attracted to certain individuals consistently? Like those that grew up with alcoholics find relationships with alcoholics. Does this hold true for you?
Good luck to you.
First and foremost - I'll still kick her ass for you. You don't have to approve, just promise not to interfere. I would hate to swing and find myself connecting with your skull instead of hers just because you believe that malignant, masochistic, STUPID cunts that don't deserve you somehow still deserve chivalry.
I'm sure she has plenty of good qualities. None of them can outweigh the REPEATED egocentric, self-absorbed, ignorant ways she has found to hurt you.
I'm allowed to be unforgiving. I am protective of my friends.
and I thought I was having a tough week.
sorry to hear about your problems... I liked the advice of the first commentor (commentator? mmm... tator tots... sorry... digression...)
if it's any consolation, deer and elk keep throwing themselves in front of my little station wagon. Computer games must have some use because I've managed to dodge them so far, but I figure it's only a matter of time before I have to explain to the sheriff that, yes, the deer I brought in to the butcher really did have a death wish.
anyway, I don't have any great words of wisdom, but just wanted you to know that you have the friendly support of people out here in blogosphere who appreciate your attempt to find humor in frustrating situations.
and maybe a bit of wisdom - never use a public phone receiver unless you sterilize it first! :-)
hope your love life shapes up.
bgal
Ooops-accidently put embarassing personal info about a poster in the last comment.
Thanks to all y'all for writing-it makes me feel better.
"D3"- I'm starting to grok what you mean-we definitely have a taste for the same sort of psycho, including the shared flaws.
Susanne-Welcome to my unhinged little corner of blogville. The answer to both questions is yes.
Lyzard-No need to draw blood on my account. That's what her hubbie is for.
BG- Are the animals really feeling the end-times vibe?
Totally unrelated comment: How 'bout that O'Rielly guy?
After this week, I'm definitely feeling the end times vibe, even if the animals aren't.
hope you are well...
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