Thursday, October 28, 2004

Spoiler Warning

Q: Why is catching a cold like losing your job?

A: They both generate volumes of unsolicited advice. Some useless and mundane- ( drink lots of fluids), some more sensible- ( If I were you I'd collect unemployment for a few weeks and take a break). Hey, I'm a 38 year old human. I'm not one of H.G Wells' Martians. Like any sensible human adult, I've learned that the best way to deal with a cold is simply to outlive it.
Despite some recent rantings, I'm not really all that worried about the income situation-I'll figure something out. If I wind up sleeping on the street, it'll be because I passed out before I got home, not because I don't have one to go to.

Still, with the election, that war thing and general all-'round instability everywhere, I decided to do a bit of divination, trying, if you will, to get a 'sneak peek' at what's to come. Prophecy stuff.

It isn't pretty.


In fact, it's a bloody mess. There's chicken entrails and tea leaves all over the furniture-fragments of crystal ball mingle with pieces of Magic 8-Ball, spread across the floor like caltrops awaiting the Four Horsemen's cavalry charge. The yarrow stalks are a total loss. I tried doing that trick that Tituba showed those girls in Old Salem , but the eggs I used had been in the 'fridge too long. Way too long.

I'll clean it all up after I finish consulting my' Delphic Oracle' , which is a fancy phrase for 'bong'.

I see... wait...newspaper headines are spinning...

Co-Presidents Bush Name New Hours, Cabinet

WASHINGTON, (Dec 19 ,2044) At a press conference held at the newly-created Department of Music Television this morning , Co-Presidents Jenna and Barbara Bush announced details of their unprecedented Co-Presidency.
Speaking first, Jenna said, "It's gonna be like our new food ration system-you know, odd numbers and the other kind. On one kind of number day, I'll be in charge, on the other kind of dayBarbara will. "

"Our Daddy told us,'being President is hard work. With two of you it'll be twice as hard. That's what they call math'. He was right. Math is hard work. Pretty soon we'll have finished our goal of re-opening the reformed public school system and every 'merican can have the opportunity to know about stuff like math. We've had twice as many kids in school for twice as long, so they'll be four times as smarter!"

"We've got some reaallly cool cabinet members to tell you about", said Co-President Barbara.

The announcements included :

- Former California governor and ironically willing cybernetic 'Guinea Pig' AHT-3.44 as head-in-a jar of the Dept. of Defense. Mr. AHT-3.44's policy of 'Fortress America' has been heartily endorsed by the Bush/Bush administration.

- Wheezy, the Presidential Twin's Cocker Spaniel, will be the new head of the Drug Enforcement Agency. " He can always tell when ...(someone) is fucked up. He's a good dog", said Jenna, ducking beneath the podium to compare notes with her sister.

-The once-famous Olsen twins will take turns as Co-Secretary of Health, using the same "different kind of days" plan the Twins -in-Chief use.
"It's like , a twin thing, you know? Cool, huh?", said a generic spokesbot in a pre-recorded lip-synched interview.

- The exhumed remains of the elder Barbara Bush have been appointed to the position of Secretary of State. When asked for an explanation, Jenna replied," ...we dipped her in some green glowing stuff and she just sorta went all Hulk on us - we plan on dropping her on Latveria to discuss the Von Doom Protocols. (winks)."


...more spin to follow...




2 comments:

Susannity! (Susanne) said...

you should give your oracle a raise. =)

Allan said...

*COUGHS*