I'm sitting on a haybale near the summit of a tall grassy hill.In front of me the hillside descends steeply,cliff-like for twenty yards or so, before abruptly becoming a long, gradual sandy slope.At the bottom there's what must be an absolutely gigantic stage, (although it's tiny from this vantage) backed by what has to the Pacific Ocean. Overhead floats a block-long dirigible in the shape of a cartoon pig. I wonder if this is a Pink Floyd concert from the Animals tour. I hope so. That was a damn good show.
Whoever's playing, I must be Hot Shit to get seats this good.
"You must be Hot Shit", says a familar blonde vampire using a fake British accent, "to get seats this good."
Damn. It's Spike from the old Buffy the Vampire Slayer series. He's reclining on a chaise lounge and drinking out of a brown bag. What's he doing here?
Wow. There's lot of people here. I'm glad this isn't one of those "omigod, I'm naked!" dreams.
"Well,"I reply,"It is my subconcious. I don't remember inviting you 'round".
Oh shit. I'm speaking in a cheesy Brit accent too. I hope I stop.
He doesn't seem to notice or care.
"Fancy a snort, mate?", asks Spike.
"No, thanks. Trying t' quit."
"Suit yerself", he says, swilling away, "y'wanna know something? Just between us?"
"What's that?"
He wipes his mouth on the sleeve of his trenchcoat, muffling his reply.
"Beg pardon?"
"It's all bullshit", he repeats, clearly this time.
"Bullshit?"
"Yeah. This bloody vampire crap and all the muddleheaded idiots who get all gooey reading Anne Rice and sleeping in coffins and the like. You won't see me sleeping in a coffin, nooo...not enough wiggle room ,ya know", he finishes by nudging me and winking.
"Spike", I ask,pointing upward at the blazing sun, "shouldn't you be on fire or something? You know, the sun and all that."
"I told you it was all crap. Here hold this a sec if you will," he says, removing his coat and handing it to me,"I'll show you."
With one hand, he grabs his forehead and removes his face. It's just a mask.
Underneath, it's the guy who played Jesus in Mel Gibson's gay torture movie. He's wearing what looks like a diaper. The bottle is gone.
Too bad for that, I think, suddenly ready to start drinking again.
"Excuse me", asks the imitation Christ,"but which way to the stage? I seem to be having a spot of trouble seeing."
He's got blood in his eyes from the crown of thorns he's wearing. Given the sunny weather, a ballcap would be more practical and a lot less painful.
I notice that Spike/Jesus' trenchcoat has changed into a clump of tissue paper. There's a wet spot on it. I don't think it's snot. Gross.
I get ready to throw away the sticky mess when I remember bloody-faced Jesus. I'm not a believer, but I'm not a monster. I'm not gonna let this poor dude wander around a cliff half-blind , son of God or not. I find a dry section of the kleenex ball and wipe his eyes clear.
"Thanks, man", says Jesus as he heads downhill.
"No prob." I'm left holding a nasty kleenex that's soggy with the blood and jizz of Christ.
I am going to make a fucking fortune on eBay.
A few minutes go by and Jesus walks past, this time heading uphill.
"Forgot something", he mutters.
A moment later he passes again, downhill, only this time he's got a cross on his back. It looks like he's fake-staggering under it's weight, like it's a styrofoam prop. At least no one's whipping him. Someone presses something to his mouth, but from here I can't tell what. It might be a sponge, or maybe a pretzel. The soft kind that's good with mustard.
A woman's voice calls my name.
It's Willow, also from the Buffy show. (What's up with that?)
"Hey. I've been saving a seat for you" she tells me , patting the empty side of her haybale.
"That's hay alright", I quip stupidly, sitting down.
"Everyone's here", Willow informs me, gesturing with her arm. Sure enough, the whole Buffy cast is scattered throughout the crowd, along with every character on every show I've ever watched, including Ultraman-the real Ultraman- and Joe, the fugitive German Shepherd from the short-lived Run, Joe, Run Saturday TV show. (Joe's real name was Heinrich)
Willow passes me a perfect joint. Oh, yeah-that's the Pacific down there alright, I think as I briefly vanish into a sweetly skunky haze. As my head rush subsides, I wonder who's playing.
I ask Willow.
"I dunno. I was hoping you were."
"Really? I was hoping you were- that musical episode was funny as hell."
"Ooo...look!"
Down by the stage, a group of people are dancing around a large bonfire. As we watch them dance, a wall of fog begins rolling in. The dancer's shadows get larger and more distinct against the mist as the fogbank thickens; in moments we are encircled by swaying, weightless giants. I have never felt more safe in my life.We are protected by beauty and power.
Willow says, "wow".
I agree.
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