This evening was a rare and much-needed treat. I had the pleasure of recording a series of interviews with John Hodgman , David Rees and Jonathan Coulton shortly before their book tour stop at Chop Suey, a most funkily excellent local bookstore. (Shameless Plug:Holiday gifts are available from all the above links)
Recording a radio interview is pretty simple. It mostly involves watching the minidisc recorder and making sure it doesn't suddenly fly across the room. So far, my success rate at this is nearly 100%.
Conducting an interview takes more effort, so for our first segment we let the trio interview each other. I don't know who's idea this was, but it was hilarious- until things took a sudden, sinister turn.
I was thinking that these guys would be a lot of fun on a road trip, when they suddenly started discussing their recent travel experience and the ensuing conflicts and chaos. Coincidence? I think not.
They were obviously reading my mind.
If so, then they knew my secret.
There's one thing that I just can't stop thinking about, no matter how hard I try.
That thing is hagfish.
After the interviews, I cornered Mr. Hodgman. There were 8,000 screaming fans downstairs, but they were just gonna have to wait. I needed answers.
Now.
"What do you know about hagfish futures?", I asked, all innocent-like.
"About what?", he answered, playing dumb, "I don't know what a hagfish is."
So I had to explain the whole thing again. (see link below)
"No, really, I used to write about food and such, and I've never heard of hagfish", he insisted as he signed my copy of his book.
A likely story coming from a man who, just minutes before, had admitted on tape to telling lies for profit. He cagily referred to this as "fiction", then acknowledged that some consider his book to be "non- fiction". Which is it?
I had already said too much, so I mumbled something about making it all up and slinked away to watch the redoubtable Mr. Rees give a practical demonstration of time-travel using Abe Lincoln and Tic-Tacs. Are there any secrets that these men don't know about?
Anyway, all three are great entertainers, and the fine presentation they gave almost made me momentarily forget the tightrope of hagfish intrigue that I was walking.
Almost.
Not for the first time, I felt like one of the characters in Foucault's Pendulum . Probably Belbo.
Fact: Mr. Coulton was referred to by Mr. Hodgman as a "troubador", which is a fancy word for bard.
Fact: Wm. Shakespeare is often referred to as The Bard
Fact: An obscure Shakespearean joke involving a talking lobster was told.
Fact: The origin of the phrase "pig-in-a-poke" was discussed. Tellingly, it's from a form of con-game that was common during the 16th century.
Fact:Bacon ( a type of food) is derived from pigs.
Conclusion: Francis Bacon really did ghost-write Shakespeare's plays.
Well, if they're talking about Bacon, the Knights Templar can't be far behind. The Knights have nothing to do with hagfish, so maybe my fears were unbased. I hoped so. I have enough problems with annoying but helpfully incompetent Freemason assassins already.
But when I got home , I had this in my inbox . (verbatim cut& paste,I changed the writer's address):
From:Paul <loyolaxxxx@yahoo.com>
Sent: Saturday, Dec. 03, 2005 3:52 PM
To:camelsback@msn.com
Subject: hagfish hatcheries
hello,
Can you tell me more about this hagfish hatcheries in your town and its prospects ?
Is this real or a joke? I thought hagfish farming was not possible because its a salt water fish plus its difficulty in farming such fish. thanks
What 'Paul' is referencing is this fact-filled hagfish article. Go ahead and click the link. Can you tell if it's "real or a joke?"
If you can't, please go to the link at the bottom of that post and transfer all your money into my PayPal account. Once the payment clears, I will be glad to answer any questions.
After I read my mail, I looked at what Mr. Hodgman had written inside my copy of his book - right there on the middle of the signature page was the "H" emblem of the Hagfish Cult, only he attributes it to the failed 1932 Hobo Coup, which everyone knows was a sort of Bay of Pigs for an errant branch of Templars, only using Hobos instead of Cubans.
A clever ruse, Mr. "H".
Or is it "Paul?"
Goo goo ga joob, indeed.
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