Pornography is Fun and Educational

I'm sick of crazed proponents of unchecked governmental authority using bogus threats to achieve their poorly-planned and horribly executed goals- first a stupid, bloody quagmire of a endless occupation because of what? Bad intelligence? Now,with the looming Alito nomination, we stand poised to hand unchecked power over to a Chief Executive who starts unwinnable, unending wars of illegal occupation based on something as flimsy as bad intelligence. This should make us feel safer?

And internet porn? Oh my Godzilla- the world is going to explode into boiling rivers of elephant diarrhea; demons with the bodies of scorpions and the faces of men will crawl out of newly-opened chasms in the earth's surface and devour our children , including the unborn and even the unconceived, (or Pre-Life Americans as good, Godly folks call them) if we don't shut down all the porn sites right now. In fact, lets just assume that every website is pornographic, subversive or otherwise bad for kids and adults and shut down the whole 'net.

That would protect the hell out of the children.

It's difficult to accept that the Bush Administration truly believes the only way to evaluate the availability of internet porn to kids is to subpoena millions of random Google records. If our security agencies can't do better than that, then there is no reason to expect anything but Bad Intelligence from them.
I cannot but help distrust Bush's motives for this Stalinist approach to Fatherland Security. (I distrust his motives and his judgment on everything, come to think of it).
Seriously, if they haven't figured out that you can't swing a dead cat on-line by it's hyperlinked tail without eventually hitting some pretty nasty shit, then those White House and Dept. of Justice idiots are obviously too stupid to be in charge of a pretzel stand, much less the nation or the judicial system.

I can look at my website traffic stats for 5 minutes and tell that the internet is full of really pathetic perverts who spend waaay too much time on prurient Googling - I'd estimate that 99% of my site traffic consists of accidental hits generated from search engine results. Of these hits, it's about 50% smut-related , 40% camel-related (what do camels eat, camel habitats etc.-cameltoe is a very popular one, but I lump it in with the smut results) and 10% Other- usually relating to hagfish, Confucious, chemtrails or anarchists.

Don't ask me- I just work here.

My all-time #1 search-engine driver is the phrase "Daryn Kagan nude" -which is really odd, considering I've never posted a nude photo on-line of anyone, ever. I've never even written anything that could be considered sexually explicit on-line, yet my new #2 driver is "fucking my daughter". This means that there's a fairly large number of people -men, I'm assuming- that actually sit down and type in "fucking my daughter" (w/ quotation marks!) out of sheer pervy curiosity. What the hell are they looking for? I can only hope that these desperate web-trolls are dissappointed when they get to my site and wind up reading invented conspiracy/time-travel theories - like how Jane Fonda and John Kerry conspired to blow up the Hindenburg -instead of getting their wank-on over Daryn Kagan pics. Why she's considered sexy is another thing I'll never understand...

It's impossible to escape all this filth- for instance, I was looking up some stuff about Palamino Horses fer chrissakes, when I ran across this steamy prose:
"... [he] will introduce his arm into [her] vagina, palpate the cervix, which should be found on the bottom (ventral) surface of the head-ward (cranial) portion of the vagina. The closer [the female] is to ovulation, the more relaxed the cervix becomes. In the center of the cervix will be found a small depression, which is the opening to the uterus. One of the most apt descriptions of a cervix is that it is like a "small volcano" ... -this was accompanied by pictures of a man who was really into horses- into them way past his elbow, if you see what I'm saying. The web site claimed the man was a licensed vet, but I don't think that military service gives one license to post bestiality photographs on public sites- it didn't even have one of those "Are you 18 or Over?" buttons!
How do we protect children from stuff like that?

We could discourage them from searching on topics like "bukkake", "plating" and "santorum" for starters... don't expect links here, but I'm sure some of you are gonna Google that stuff anyway. You've been warned. (Note: if you must Google 'bukkake', include the words "Bush Twins" in your search. It's more fun that way!)thanks to ANON for the tip!

Or, we could introduce legislation requiring anyone visiting an "adult" website to correctly answer a short, randomly generated high-school level quiz on a an academic subject such as history, politics or geography.
- Wanna see pictures of nekkid chicks?
First you gotta write a 500 word essay on the Monroe Doctrine or the Haymarket Massacre.
-Wanna learn how to find the clitoris?
First you gotta be able to find Uzebekistan on a map.

This would also have an impact on adults as well, of course. Curiosity would flourish.
Many a secretary would receive requests from the boss such as "who was Saladin?", "what form of government does Bhutan have?" or "how many cubits are in a furlong?"

This would effectively shut down the majority of porn sites almost immediately. After four or five years, I guarantee that (among boys anyway) SAT scores and GPA's would show a significant across-the-board improvement.

Face it- porn is here to stay. Remember the last time you were exploring the ruins of an ancient
East Asian temple? What did you find statues of? You found bas-relief carvings of people fucking , that's what you found. And figurines of big-tittied fertility fetishes- yes, they are called 'fetishes'- look it up when you finish searching for "crush videos".

Imagine a world where every Onanistic endeavor made the participant a little smarter- in a matter of years, we'd have a planet of geniuses- and we'd owe it all to internet porn.