Sounds Good In Mono

One of my prize possessions is a monophonic LP album of the Kinks' Village Green Preservation Society.
I am two years older than this album.

Recorded in 1968, it's is full of sweet-sounding songs that are really quite mean -almost cruel in their honesty.

"Do You Remember Walter" is one of those songs . It's about a long-lost friend:

Walter, you are just an echo of a world I knew so long ago
If you saw me now you wouldn't even know my name.
I bet you're fat and married and you're always home in bed by half-past eight.
And if I talked about the old times you'd get bored and you'll have nothing more to say.
Yes people often change, but memories of people can remain.
-Ray Davies

But this isn't about that song(I just happened to be listening to it) since my friends all seem to be pretty much the same. At a picnic today I saw a few old mates I'd not seen for years- they mostly seem fine, although I think some of the men are pregnant.

The goal of the party was raise to money for an old friend who had some bad luck. I have mixed feelings about that- yeah, we should all help each other and all- but her problems seem fairly minor compared to those of others that I know, and none of them had a party to help with the rent.

But I didn't know the story before I went. All I knew is that we were asked to bring food. I can do that. Let me show you some pictures of food , after which I will tell you a a sad/funny story.

First the food.
When doing potluck always start with something cheap, such as beans or potatoes as the base for your dish. Avoid using expensive or endangered ingredients such as antelope or zebra.
I was in a hurry so I purchased a few cans of 'energy drink' with the urgent command to "Rush!"printed on them.
Ok already- I'm moving as fast as I can!
I really should just stick to coffee



I put the beans next to the drinks in hope that the fizzy speed would exhort the beans to somehow cook themselves. They didn't.
I still had to soak the fuckers in water overnight.
"Rush!" my ass. Lazy goddamn beans.

I noticed with alarm that someone had inserted a packet of "Ham" seasoning into the pinto beans package.
Mmmm...salt, monosodium glutamate, salt again, maltodextrin, sugar, more salt, jowl extract and salt.
If you ever find a packet like this in your dry goods, discard it forthwith. Place it inside a sealed cannister so that wild animals will not poison themselves. Use real meat or go vegan, but never use jowl extract.

Anyway, in the morning I boiled my beans, the bulk of which I have set aside for purpose of burritos. The rest I combined with some unbleached rice and polska kielbasa and got this:

I was going to make an elaborate post with step-by-step instructions, but I quickly found that cooking and photography don't mix- for example, it is very difficult to photograph oneself demonstrating the proper technique for chopping onions.

With a little practice you should be able to neatly dice a medium onion -from the skin-on state- in less than 60 seconds-under 30 being best. This is really easy to learn. I'm not kidding. Bring a camera over and I'll show you. Bring food.

Proper knife handling is a crucial element in cooking. Knives are sharp and should be treated with respect.
I learned how to cook from a psychotic chef who said he'd stab me if I ever cut myself in his kitchen. I think he meant it, so I learned to tuck those fingertips in.

Once you've got the onion thing down, everything else just falls into place. Don't fall into the recipe trap (unless you are baking-that needs recipes) - just work with whatever you have handy. Trust yourself.
Unless you store your household cleansers in your spice cabinet it's unlikely you'll create anything lethal. Inedible, maybe-but not lethal. Take chances.
Anyway, I'll save all that for my food blog.

I promised a story.

Let me tell you why my friend is so in debt. For most people this might seem a bit extreme , but for my friend this is quite normal:

Hi! (Big hugs)

Heard you had some bad luck.

Yeah. See my scar? ( 12 inches on the calf)

Yikes! What happened?

I was going to see this guy and I had on the high heels and I was drunk and fell down. Broke my leg in two places. Couldn't walk or work for two months.

Oh. Geez, that hadda hurt.

Yeah. The next day it was all swollen and bleeding and I could barely walk.

Huh? The next day? You didn't go to the ER that night?

No, I spent the night at his place and didn't go to the hospital till later- that's why it got so fucked up. I hurt it worse while I was screwing him, I think.

Wait. Let me clear this up. You broke your leg -bone shattered- and still fucked this guy? And he was OK with that? Didn't he offer to drive you to the ER? You didn't notice that there was a bone poking out of your leg?

No. He never even called me again. And it didn't break the skin until later.


I love my friend, I really do- but to me this a story of fucking-up, pure and simple fucking-up- no tragedy worthy of charity. I'm not really sure what to think.
Nothing good, that's for sure.
I think it's not very gallant of a guy to fuck a girl with a freshly broken leg, but it was her leg and she was into it too. Eeehhhh...

Best not to think about it.