Check Out My Humility

I deserve medals for all the wonderful things I do.
Large gold medallions with bold and inspirational messages such as "I'm #1!" and "I Rock!" inscribed upon them, or perhaps just bearing my name spelled out in precious gemstones.
Diamonds would be ostentatious, emeralds are better.

I should also be presented with a likewise bejewelled golden crown in honor of My humility. I don't like to brag about My unsurpassed humility, so I'd like a flashy and expensive bauble to do it for me.
I'm very proud of how humble I am, but I don't feel comfortable boasting about it. It's undignified, even if it is justifiable.

But all that's not enough-not nearly. My Birthday should be a national holiday. Anyone who doesn't want to celebrate My birth will be given the option of celebrating My twin brother's birthday instead.
I don't like to work on My birthday, so why should I expect anyone else to?
By law, this would be a paid holiday.
Mark your calenders.
Let's get some laws passed, people.

Also, immediately upon the event of My passing, a life-size statue of Myself should be placed at the entrance to all buildings public and private; done so in order that the sad and lonely persons who never once had opportunity to bask in the awesome radiance of Me, can (at the very least) console themselves by crying upon the unwavering stone shoulder of My graven image.

They can rub my granite belly and wonder why life is so unfair.