Minefields, Sledgehammers and Blindfolds

I tend to think that most media-sourced 'Dating Advice' is total bullshit- stupid checklists such as: "10 Ways to let her Know You Care"...jeezus, if you can't figure out how to 'show you care' without consulting MSN.com , maybe you just don't care that much after all.

I also think that most of what is accepted as 'common wisdom' regarding alcoholism is bunk. I say this after 15 months of sobriety without a single Jesus Moment, AA meeting or similar 're-birth/recovery' epiphany...if those things work for you, that is good-better than booze anyway- but they don't work for me.

That being said, this article has some good points as well as one that I disagree with:

Nashville resident Suzie Coates had no idea she was dating an alcoholic. “He hid it very well in the beginning,” she recalls. “I saw a great person with lots of potential and loving, caring, giving qualities. But when drinking took over, all that was lost. I would not have even dated him in the first place if I had known about his drinking.”

Ouch. This is true.
Suzie Coates sounds exactly like one of my ex's. I was that guy and I'm really sorry that I put Suzie through all that crap.
I'm not kidding about that.
If you want to drink, you should only date drunks.
Being drunk does not give you the right to hurt the people you love, but it sure as hell gives you the means to do so and you will hurt them, even if you don't wish to.
It isn't fair to expect your lover to clean up your sorry ass.
That is up to you and only you.

Today, if I feel that I am interested in someone, I tell them upfront what I am going through , what I have been through and that I very much want to stay sober.
This almost always kills the 'buzz' and drives them away , coversation falters, dates are broken at the last minute and not rescheduled... but I'd rather just get it out - if I can tell someone about my problems and they are willing to take a chance, great.
If not, well this is my fault, so I'd better learn to cope on my own.


It hasn't happened yet, but it's my view that if I can remain true to myself, then the rest will follow: love, security, consistency- my drinking life was filled with chaos- unhappy, overlapping lies, so much confusion without any clarity; a truly heartbreaking and quite amoral existence it was, but I didn't care as long as I had my drink going.
Sometimes I was alone, sometime not.

Nowadays, I am always alone but I still haven't started drinking again and I feel that this must indicate I have some hope for the future, that I'm not so scared anymore-or at least I can manage my fears with thoughts, deeds and communication. And maybe, just maybe, I'll find a little love.
Maybe not.
I have a lot of love to give- I've been hoarding it for years now- it's a new feeling for me and it's scary- often I feel as if I'm trying to clear a minefield with a sledgehammer...one mistake and it's *boom!*- goodbye Charlie.
Ohyeah, did I mention the blinfold?

Minefields, sledgehammers and blindfolds. This is all I know.
There has to be more.
There has to be more.

I recently saw a girl I briefly dated back then- she's married now- and I asked her why we broke up...she laughed, "I don't remember, we were drunk is all, I guess", which is funny now, but what if we had been sober instead?
What if?
'What if' is for losers and insomniacs- which describes me fairly well.

Social drinkers might use a drink to relax and enhance who they are or their experience. For an alcoholic, it becomes their primary need or a core necessity

Yep. I could date a social drinker but I can never be one. I cannot have 'a beer or two'. At my nadir, I could drink 24 beers in 8 hours and still go to work.
If you think that such a lifestyle must certainly be fatal, you are correct.
I didn't just look Death in the eye, it was a bloody staring contest, is what it was.
And I do mean bloody.
Death blinked first.

Also be on the look-out for unexplained gaps in their schedule with no logical explanation and a negative change in their love-making.
“If this sounds like someone having an affair, you are right,” Knippers says. “They are having an affair with alcohol.”

True.
I left good women for bad liquor and didn't even know I was doing it. It was a terrible thing to do, they didn't deserve that, no one does. It had nothing to do with them but they got hurt anyway.

If you think you’re dating a problem drinker, our experts suggest talking to your date.

True, but do you really have to be an 'expert' to know that honest communication is a really good idea? If you think you are dating a drunk, you are. It's unmistakable.
What to do?
Talking to a drunk is not easy and is seldom helpful.
Cutting them loose might be the only way to save yourself-getting clean is the responsibility of the drunk, not yours.
Maybe you can help, probably not though...if you love them you can be there for them when they 'come back'.
If they do.
This sounds cold, but they might not come back, ever, so be ready for that. Know what you are dealing with.

'Coming back' is the loneliest , hardest thing I've ever done and I've had to do it alone largely because I drove so many people away. Some are still here and I'm grateful , but I cannot think about the people I've lost forever without crying, even today.
Even right now.

No matter how the conversation goes, there is one thing anyone dating a problem drinker should know, Chapman says: “The alcoholic is powerless over his or her drinking, and the date is, too. It is totally in the hands in the alcoholic to reach out and ask for help.”

Part true.
The date is powerless.
However, I take issue with the basic AA tenet that the alkie is powerless over booze. I am powerless over a great many things, but not my drinking. It's my problem and it's up to me to deal with it.
Only I can make myself drink, only I can stop myself.
If I blame anyone or anything other than myself, I cannot make progress. I know my approach works for me; I'm not saying it'll work for anyone else.

For me:
Drinking is a choice and it's a very easy one to make.
Drink= dead.
Sober= ?
I don't know what sober has to offer. After 15 months I'm starting to get a little more comfortable with being myself, maybe I should explore this world a bit, see what I've been missing all these years. I am very curious and even a little optimistic - I know what'll happen if I drink, but this new life of feeling things is mysterious and alluring, even if it is frighteneing.
I want to learn more about life. Simple, eh?

And if the drinking continues? “Get some self-respect and leave the relationship,”

Ouch again.

See, I would get dumped and I'd create elaborate, convoluted mazes of lies to explain "why" to myself- when the simple fact was I was unbearable to be around because I was drunk.

So it's easy.

1) Don't drink.

2) Be Honest.

How hard can that be?

Ask me again in a year.