My Absent Friend

I used to have this friend , right? And my friend was brilliant at everything he did- and he did a lot considering he wasn't especially the fastest car on the lot, if ya get my meaning. When I first met him we were both in active bands and he was doing pretty well, he'd taught himself a couple barre chords and a year later he was playing lead guitar in one or two bands at a time, recording other groups in his basement, I think he even wrote some comic books back when the indie comic trade was lucrative- he was a great cook too, come to think of it. Used to eat at his place all the time, I did. The fucker was good at everything except life. I always thought he'd get famous or something but I don't think he did.

We were very much alike, so it follows we got into the same sort of things: hyper-competitive creativity, ingenious self-abuse and a healthy appetite for anything addictive, illegal or dangerous.
We partied a lot and it seemed so vivid then, but now I'm a bit blurry and jumbled about those days- but I was recently asked: "what happened to that guy?"

And the truth is I don't know.

The last time I saw him we were both really drunk , and shortly after that , I got really sick and almost died, and after that I pretty much said good-bye to my drinking buddies. I didn't have that many left anyway.

So I don't know what happened to my friend. I hate to sound uncaring, but I don't wish to ever see him again. After years of good times, something changed in my friend, I don't know what it was with him, one day he was up on stage and the next he was locked in his basement, refusing to see anyone.
At least it seemed like he snapped overnight, like I said it's been a while. I think he was there when his mother died or something- an unhealthy number of our mutual friends died around the same time, so I don't know if it was a combination of things- I do remember his girlfriend dumped him after his mother died but I think she ditched him because he drank. She would have seen him through the grief, I think, but not the drinking and the crazy mood swings...I dunno , I didn't know her that well, but she seemed nice. Better than he deserved.

He started acting really weird, not talking for days at a time except for work and such. Then, one day, he seemed he had this other, really sweet-hearted girlfriend, but she got busted for DWI twice in two weeks span and no one really saw her much after that. Or him, for that matter. He stopped everything except drinking I think.
I don't know where she wound up. She had problems, but I thought she was nice. Didn't know her that well.
Maybe that's what did it , what broke him, when that girl flipped out. I don't know.
To me they seemed really happy together, but who really knows ? All I know is my friend had so much unhappiness that it was devouring him, maybe there were lots of reasons. Maybe he had a rotten childhood- I can relate to that. My childhood sucked too.

At 40, I'm outgrowing my childhood now and I really hadn't thought about my friend for a long time.
Today I try to do things that make me feel good ; useful (or at least harmless) things, and that doesn't involve hanging out with my drunk buddy while he recites every unfair break and dirty deed done to him, dirt cheap. Shit, he had as much chance as I did and you won't see me wallowing in a puddle of self-pity and remorse.

I plan on moving forward. Slow and steady wins the race.

Last year I got an award for my volunteer work, which is something my friend would never have received. He gave up on himself, so helping others was pretty much out of the question.

More recently , a wonderful woman asked me some hard , necessary questions. I tried my best to anwer them because I want her to ask me more.
I have questions of my own.
It's a learning experience and I've always been a good student, even if I didn't go to school.
(WhichI should do, I think)

My friend would have hung up the phone. He was a coward at the end.

I don't know where he went, but it's unlikely I'll see him again.

I have a lot of new responsibilities, new plans to make , serious thinking to do and none of it includes him.

Good riddance.