Mostly Good , Trying Harder

Last night I had the chance to talk with an old friend I hadn't seen since before I got sick and quit drinking. My friend , of course , was drunk, so my words were most likely wasted, but I can't shake them off...

Many years ago, my friend drank a hole in himself in much the same manner that I did- he too almost died, yet once he'd recovered from his surgery he started drinking again and really hasn't stopped since. He has had life threatening surgeries and seizures. He tells me he's had another alcohol-induced grand mal seizure just last year- but he just doesn't have the willpower to quit... I have a hard time listening to this.

Look, I say, we have both had surgeries and seizures and done our hospital time- for me it was the most traumatic time of my life- I am haunted every single day by my memories of that time- you--you know what it's like to go through that and you KNOW that it's going to happen again and you still keep drinking...
I stop my tirade because I'm trying talk to a drunk about drinking and I know it's useless to do that.

He knows it's killing him and he keeps drinking despite that certain knowledge.

That takes a lot of willpower. I know because I've been there- "drink 'till it hurts" was not a Spring Break slogan , it was a lifestyle choice...oh, don't mind the blood, that's normal right? Everyone pukes a little blood now and then, don't they?

I actually convinced myself that a little blood in my vomit was normal- I never allowed myself to think that about why I was sick all the time in the first place- must be the flu, food poisoning, an allergy- anything but the truth.

Believing my own lies almost killed me.

My friend isn't even lying to himself - he admits what's happening but doesn't seem to care enough to stop. I wanted to shake him, yell at him, beat him...stop, stop, stop STOP...
I didn't do that. Maybe I should have.

It was an otherwise perfect night of good friends and much joy, so I didn't do that. Instead, I had great time bar-hopping and staying up into the early hours- all without drinking. I didn't even smoke any dope- I didn't want to.
I was enjoying myself too much to want to get high, which is something I never thought I would hear myself say.

We have, as a group, pledged to arrive en masse in London in 2008, where we have a number of gracious hosts who know exactly what they are in for but have invited us anyway. I am told, not for the first time, that I'd be much happier in the U.K.- plans for seeking political asylum need looking into*...

When we left the bar, my English passenger walked 'round to the driver's side of my Volvo and stood there expectantly while I unlocked and opened the passenger side door for her.
I waited a moment, holding the door open...my passenger looks at me like I'm nuts...

Oh, right.

"Hey, in America the driver sits on the left side."

Haha...we switch places and are on our way.

Two good nights in a row, this is a habit I could live with.