Circuit Breaker

I am burnt. Shattered. Toasted.
It's been a long week. Too many problems all at once.
It all caught up to me when I called my grandmother late last week. She is in a 100-day convalescent program to determine if she will be able to return home or if she will need assisted living.
No one except my granny thinks she can complete the rehabilitative therapies.
When I talked to her, she could barely speak; I don't know if it she was drugged or not, all she could do was cough. Into the phone.
LOUDLY.
Then she would gasp and cough again.
"A...A..Allan? * HACK* "is that y..*HACK!..*gasp*..."
I tried to keep talking about the nice weather and the pie my neighbors gave me; about how my car runs better now ( omitting the fact I spent my vacation money on it), but I couldn't maintain my composure.
Her coughing was causing me physical pain and her palpable suffering was shutting me down emotionally.

Here comes the panic. Every problem, real or imagined, was being encoded into my grandmother's tortured breath and passed along the telephone wires until it reached the bullhorn I was staring into on the other end.

I can't breathe either, I want to tell her, but I can't speak. I can't think. Panic.
Forgive me, but I'm having a freakscene attack and I can't talk.
I love you. Goodbye.
I had to take two Ambien before I could sleep that night.

Saturday, I took my panic pills in the morning. I almost never do that but I felt twigged even before I showered.
I did two loads of laundry; swept the apartment; did the dishes; bought groceries and made a nice green chile, rice and cilantro dish; scrubbed the litterbox closet and started organizing my comic collection. I kept getting distracted by reading them so I didn't get far with that.

I did everything except what I was supposed to do, which was to drive north and sit by my grandmother's side.

The guilt from this dereliction kept me awake all night and I had to do my early morning radio show with barely any sleep. Now I'm too exhausted to make the six-hour round-trip, so I'll take my guilt to bed with me again tonight. Maybe I will visit on the Fourth.

Anyway, I did manage to do my show:

Soweto Gospel Choir- Many Rivers to Cross
I do not think that one must necessarily believe in God in order to draw strength from spiritual music. This song just sounds good to me.

Talking Heads- Take Me To The Water
More river music.

Peter Tosh- You Can't Fool Me Again
Perhaps you can't, but someone very much like you can. And has. And will.Again.

Damien Dempsey- Celtic Tiger
"I am your Goddess Greed, you shall have no God but me"

Fairport Convention- The Way I Feel
I don't recall what I was dreaming about, but in it, this song was playing. Who says dreams never come true?

Clarence Fountain & 5 Blind Boys- Lift Me Up
All the way to Olympus.

Loreena McKinnett- Gates of Istanbul
It's almost as if you were there.

Kinks- Waterloo Sunset
I believe that this is one of the most beautiful pop songs of all time.

Clash- Hate and War
Lest we get too complacent, let's remember what's really happening in the world.

Emmylou Harris- Here I am
At the end, the songs picks up a percolating, electronically-assisted groove as Emmylou announces her presence. Sweet production , sweet voice.

Camon Friel- Yanks
"If ya wanna make money, ya gotta sing like one"

Grace Slick/Paul Kantner- Walkin'
Wandering through the wasteland.

10 CC- Sand In My Face
Dynamic Tension!

Gary Numan- M.E.
Why should I care? Why should I try?
Oh no. Oh no.
I turn off the pain like I turned off you all
Now there's only M.E.
Gary Numan sure has some cheery lyrics.

Fiona Joyce- The Juggler
This is a current release from a St. Clair Records promo compilation. I don't like a lot of the stuff in their catalog, but Joyce is wonderful.

Graham Central Station- Can't Stand The Rain
It's warm and sunny and I can't stand feeling this tired on such a nice day. I'll pretend it's raining and try not to feel guilty about not visiting my grandmother.

Savoy Brown- Poor Girl
This song is for Moon Pie. Moon Pie was a girl I used to live with whose head and ass were both pale, nearly-perfect spheres; reminding me of twin Moons. I never did explain this term of endearment to her.

Pretty Things- Bitter End
Phil May feels your pain. What a great, underated band the Pretties were.

Atomic Rooster- Don't Know What Went Wrong
Story of my life. Same old song, don't know what went wrong, etc etc...

Lou Reed- Leave Me Alone
Really. I have maximum straws on my back.

Eleni Mandell- I Love Paris
I wish her records were easier to find. Perhaps in Paris?

Steeleye Span- Lowlands of Holland
After your husband drowns at sea, it's laments , homesickness and sorrow from there on out.

Maire Brennan- Beating Hearts
Yesterday I was outside, using a broom to beat the cat hair and dust out of my throw rugs. It's amazing how much crap is in those things. It reminded me of this song's title.

Marianne Faithfull- Broken English
I dedicated this song to "my good buddy in the UK, Tony B. Naming you envoy to the Middle East makes as much sense as making Pete Rose commissioner of baseball." I wonder if anyone knew what I was talking about?
What are we fighting for? It's not my security!
No shit.

Flaming Groovies - She's Falling Apart
She's my foundation.She keeps me standing. Now she's falling apart.
Dude. Eggs in one basket...tsk.

Golden Palominos - Pure
She has never felt so pure...
This song is so groovy and sexy that it almost always gets a call :"who is that? This is cool etc".
I love it when people call and ask what they just heard.

Velvet Underground- Train Goin' Round The Bend
I honestly don't know how I made it through the week, but I did.
Now it's over and it's time to rest. Maybe I'll scrub the bathtub...