DON'T PANIC! DON'T PANIC! PANIC! DON'T PANIC! DON'T PANIC! DON'T PANIC! DON'T PANIC! PANIC! DON'T PANIC! DON'T PANIC!
Despite issuing a bulletin calling for vigilance at airports concerning
improvised explosive devices (IEDs) Tuesday, officials with the Transportation
Security Administration said airline passengers should not worry.The bulletin said that airport security has taken four items from passengers since September. It said the items were taken at airports in San Diego, Calif., Milwaukee, Wis., Houston and Baltimore, Md.
The confiscated items included wires, switches, pipes or tubes, cell phone components and dense clay-like substances -- including a block of cheese, said officials.
Why would the TSA issue this bulletin? It seems to say that airport security has only confiscated four items- nationwide -in the last ten months or so, and some or all of those confiscations were of harmless objects.
The items listed:
1) 'wires'- no need to be specific. Any kind of wire is certainly a bomb.
2) 'switches'- again, no need for clarity. Everyone knows 'switch' is synonymous with 'bomb'.
3) 'pipes or tubes'- it was either a bomb or a bong. In either case, the quick-thinking TSA saved us from onomatopoetic booms and burbles.
4) 'cell phone components'- These can be cleverly hidden inside a cell phone.
5) ' a block of cheese'- This is item #5 ( out of 4) and it says a lot about the credibility of TSA bulletins. I'm guessing that this item was intercepted at the Milwaukee airport.
In 2006 I flew to Chicago shortly after the TSA issued a ban on cosmetics, lotions and water bottles. All I had was a carry-on bag. As the TSA screener rifled through my bag's outer pockets, I was filled with sudden dread: Oh shit. I have a tube of toothpaste inside my bag. And nail clippers. Maybe some floss. Dental floss is a garrote-in-a-box. I'm in trouble...how could I have been so stupid?
"Sir, you cannot carry matches on board", said a plump uniformed woman as she handled my bag. Sure enough, I had overlooked a book of 'souvenir' matches from a no-tell motel outside of Columbus , Ohio; the guard held the green cardboard up, chastising me before briskly tossing them into a white contraband basket with the words "Property of United States Postal Service" printed on the side.
Damn. Those were my favorite matches.
When the guard tried to open the main compartment of my American Tourister, a loose piece of clothing became stuck in the teeth of the bag's zipper. The guard tugged, but it wasn't budging. She glared at me.
"I think it's a sock", I said stupidly.
More glare.
Tug. Glare.
Don't glare back, my inner voice warned. You will lose a glare-down.
I meekly offered to help, but Mistress Suitcase ignored me. She took a pair of confiscated-looking cuticle cutters and neatly trimmed a hole in my rogue sock.
You bitch! You just cut a hole in my sock! Don't say anything...
The sock was released, but it left enough of itself behind to keep the zipper stuck fast. My sock-stabbing nemesis pulled the three-inch opening as wide as she could and peered inside.
I could see the white gleam of the toothpaste tube from six feet away. Miss Case gestured with her hand. I thought she was summoning the National Guardsman who was standing behind me, but she was waving me through, all clear. All clear?
OK!
Once the plane was in the air, I requested some water. Then I snuck into the bathroom and surreptitiously brushed my teeth. I was grateful for the fresh minty breath, but it sorta left me with a feeling that airport security is a joke at best and malicious at worst and that if you really wanted to, you could get pretty much anything at all on board.
After 10 months, they have only found four ( or five) suspicious items? I had almost that many in my bag. I wonder how often they miss stuff? Bad stuff.
It scares me to think about it.
And why didn't my matches didn't make the list of taken items?
Were they not properly suspicious? Maybe I should have taped a block of cheese to them.
9 comments:
Isn't Homeland Security a joke?
when in danger..when in doubt
run in circles....scream and shout
repeat until crisis is over..
http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/210622/_Suspicious_Activities_at_Airports_Subject_of_TSA_Bulletin
at the end there is a link to the full TSA report...its hard to take it too seriously, but hard - in light of other tragedies - to dismiss it out of hand. but it does make you wonder what they miss, especially when you hear stories like yours.
"you will lose a glare-down" HA!
It's ridiculous. My daughter, who just finished her first year of college has lost so much in the way of personal care products this year. She's one of those who packs light and doesn't need to check luggage, so that means she's out of luck if she wants to bring shampoo or toothpaste.
This post left me laughing outloud, especially the bit about cell phone components cleverly hidden inside a cell phone. Needed a chuckle.
I wonder if the "clay" or cheese-like substance was uncovered during a full body search. I've sat next to people who might well have been smuggling such items.
Yeah, you can get anything in as long as no one's looking. I remember going to a team competition - one guy accidentally left his knife in his carry-on, and another had a box of matches in his pocket, and neither of them got caught either way. And, they made us take our shoes off, which was weird.
was it an especially stinky cheese?
i once read about a really smelly cheese that almost put a whole ship-full of people to sleep!
oh... wait, um- i think that was asterix in corsica and the pirates had already scarpered for fear of the gauls...
then again- matches + cheese... spose it could be deadly!
I had to go through a full-scale screen flying from Australia to LA - including having my carry-ons searched item by item TWICE and a full-body pat-down. But I think it was jst because I look so sinister.
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