Thanks, Whatever

I suppose I'm obliged to write something today about how much my family means to me or how lucky I am to be alive and blessed with the friends and opportunities I have; but the truth is I feel like that every day, except for the days I don't.

I don't need a holiday to remind me that, by all rights, I should be dead now and it's only luck, help and determination that got me this far.

And anyway, my family (with exceptions) annoys the hell out of me. I learned from one of my new co-workers that my Uncle has a huge X-mas party every year- a decades-long tradition- my new pal noted that :"there's an awful lot of drinking at those parties."

It's funny that Uncle would have an annual Holiday party and not even mention it to me...maybe it's for my self-preservation. His wife and in-laws are...how to say this politely? Unbearable?

I never stop being grateful for my friends either. I'll be spending this evening with my friend Ron and his family, which will be much, much better than staying home alone.

Instead of going Hallmark on easy targets, I'm gonna give thanks to some things that don't receive enough appreciation.


1) TOMATILLOES

Without these sticky little bastards it would be impossible to make a proper green sauce...well, not impossible, but it wouldn't be the same. The best tomatilloes I ever purchased were from a market in Chicago...they aren't sold in some "white" neighborhoods here, but that is slowly changing as more people become aware of the waxy goodness of these unsung crab-apple look-a-likes. I'm always thankful when I can find fresh tomatilloes.


2) SUITCASE DRUMS

My first-ever band was in high school and my twin brother used suitcases and trashcans for drums. At our one-and-only nightclub gig, the drummer from the main band let the Twin use his kit. The Twin had never been behind a "real" drumset before in his life. It was that kind of band.

Anyway, from time to time I encounter bands that use luggage as percussion and I'm always grateful for the good-spirited nostalgia that accompanies their baggage.
(Tech note : A SM58 works better than the D112 pictured above)

3) BLUE



I think Blue speaks for itself. Thanks, Blue!

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That's it. Enjoy the days.

Remain Calm (Five of Four)

DON'T PANIC! DON'T PANIC! PANIC! DON'T PANIC! DON'T PANIC! DON'T PANIC! DON'T PANIC! PANIC! DON'T PANIC! DON'T PANIC!

Despite issuing a bulletin calling for vigilance at airports concerning
improvised explosive devices (IEDs) Tuesday, officials with the Transportation
Security Administration said airline passengers should not worry.

The bulletin said that airport security has taken four items from passengers since September. It said the items were taken at airports in San Diego, Calif., Milwaukee, Wis., Houston and Baltimore, Md.

The confiscated items included wires, switches, pipes or tubes, cell phone components and dense clay-like substances -- including a block of cheese, said officials.

Why would the TSA issue this bulletin? It seems to say that airport security has only confiscated four items- nationwide -in the last ten months or so, and some or all of those confiscations were of harmless objects.

The items listed:

1) 'wires'- no need to be specific. Any kind of wire is certainly a bomb.

2) 'switches'- again, no need for clarity. Everyone knows 'switch' is synonymous with 'bomb'.

3) 'pipes or tubes'- it was either a bomb or a bong. In either case, the quick-thinking TSA saved us from onomatopoetic booms and burbles.

4) 'cell phone components'- These can be cleverly hidden inside a cell phone.

5) ' a block of cheese'- This is item #5 ( out of 4) and it says a lot about the credibility of TSA bulletins. I'm guessing that this item was intercepted at the Milwaukee airport.

In 2006 I flew to Chicago shortly after the TSA issued a ban on cosmetics, lotions and water bottles. All I had was a carry-on bag. As the TSA screener rifled through my bag's outer pockets, I was filled with sudden dread: Oh shit. I have a tube of toothpaste inside my bag. And nail clippers. Maybe some floss. Dental floss is a garrote-in-a-box. I'm in trouble...how could I have been so stupid?

"Sir, you cannot carry matches on board", said a plump uniformed woman as she handled my bag. Sure enough, I had overlooked a book of 'souvenir' matches from a no-tell motel outside of Columbus , Ohio; the guard held the green cardboard up, chastising me before briskly tossing them into a white contraband basket with the words "Property of United States Postal Service" printed on the side.

Damn. Those were my favorite matches.

When the guard tried to open the main compartment of my American Tourister, a loose piece of clothing became stuck in the teeth of the bag's zipper. The guard tugged, but it wasn't budging. She glared at me.

"I think it's a sock", I said stupidly.

More glare.

Tug. Glare.

Don't glare back, my inner voice warned. You will lose a glare-down.

I meekly offered to help, but Mistress Suitcase ignored me. She took a pair of confiscated-looking cuticle cutters and neatly trimmed a hole in my rogue sock.

You bitch! You just cut a hole in my sock! Don't say anything...

The sock was released, but it left enough of itself behind to keep the zipper stuck fast. My sock-stabbing nemesis pulled the three-inch opening as wide as she could and peered inside.

I could see the white gleam of the toothpaste tube from six feet away. Miss Case gestured with her hand. I thought she was summoning the National Guardsman who was standing behind me, but she was waving me through, all clear. All clear?
OK!

Once the plane was in the air, I requested some water. Then I snuck into the bathroom and surreptitiously brushed my teeth. I was grateful for the fresh minty breath, but it sorta left me with a feeling that airport security is a joke at best and malicious at worst and that if you really wanted to, you could get pretty much anything at all on board.

After 10 months, they have only found four ( or five) suspicious items? I had almost that many in my bag. I wonder how often they miss stuff? Bad stuff.
It scares me to think about it.

And why didn't my matches didn't make the list of taken items?
Were they not properly suspicious? Maybe I should have taped a block of cheese to them.