I had a job Friday night. The temp agency sent me to a black evangelical Mega-Church, where I thought I was going to tend bar...but there was no bar to tend.
I was reminded of an old joke:
Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks.
I should have ducked.
This was a trap and I walked right into it.
When I arrived, a pleasant-seeming Church Lady escorted me into a small room crowded with temp staffers- after few minutes, we were joined by a man who was the spitting image of South Park's Chef...Chef instructed us to join hands as he led us through what seemed to be an interminable prayer, ending with..."let the Spirit of Jesus Christ enervate our souls, amen."
"...enervate our souls, amen". He really said that. Enervate.
And lo, it came to pass.
My soul was, and still is, wholly enervated.
My first task was to inspect a thousand garden salads, making sure that the cracker packets on each one were placed with the printed "Club" side facing up.
Geez...first we prayed for Jesus to sap the last bit of vitality from my being (He did), then I - the only white man in the entire building- was placed on Cracker Patrol. Normally, I could have found some amusement in this, but I was tired, sick and enervated.
I wanted to go home and go to sleep, but instead I was forced to endure religious insults and racial slurs...(honestly, I was probably the only one who was aware of the irony of putting the token white guy on Cracker Patrol, I wasn't really offended, just amused)...
I might have been able to 'crack' wise with the two other men who showed up, but they were whisked away to the dishwasher room before we got to introduce ourselves.
The women were split into groups and assigned to set the tables.
In other words, we were divided and sorted into stereotypical Southern race and gender roles- the black guys did the dirty work, the black women set the tables and the white guy was the Cracker Boss.
All in the name of Jesus, who would have wept if He saw how much food this church threw away...
The salad line was then replaced with a dessert-plate line; make sure the slices of pie are centered on the plate- and so on...until it was time for the doors to open and the dinner to begin.
If you have ever waited tables, you know what a difficult balancing act it can be...every time you remove an item from your tray, you have to account for the sudden change in weight distribution...this is much more difficult when you are in a crowded room with a rapt, oblivious audience- people who are prone to leap to their feet without provocation and yell testify! hall-a-lew- hah, Love Almighty Jesus, amen! You gotta learn to dodge, and learn fast, no easy task when you are as full of enervation as I was.
I was so enervated by the spirit of Jesus that I could barely lift my tray above this roiling sea of heads and hands...everyone had their best clothes on and I was certain that I was going to drop an entire tray of greasy Cornish game hens onto someone's lap, but somehow I made it through the serving process without mishap. Or tips.
I also managed to survive the guest speaker- a Bible Comedian who yukked it up about the lighter side of child abuse and homophobia:
-" Kids today need the Belt (haha!)- you know what I'm talkin' about? (hahaha!)- my Daddy didn't worry 'bout invading my personal space, he just put a whippin' on me !" (hilarious!)
-" You hear people today talkin' 'bout how all sorts of things are natural...things that ain't natural to Jesus, things like homosexuality. Some people say that ten percent of everybody, including black folk, is a natural ho-mo- sexual...well, I think they got us mixed up with some other minority, y'all know what I'm sayin'?" (Hahaha. Testify!)
Praise the Lord and Pass the Enervation!
Finally, it was over. By the time I got home it was nearly midnight - I watched a few episodes of Firefly and my enervation slowly lifted...by 4 am I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep at all, so I put on some coffee and just sat...and sat.
Before I knew it, it was time to be on the radio.
My enervation had returned. I made it through my shows, but just barely...the good thing about radio is that you only have to sound healthy, alert and engaged for a couple of minutes at a time, the rest you can spend in the toilet...I felt that sick.
I haven't felt physically ill since I quit drinking- I thought I was getting the flu , but today it just feels like the lingering enervation of Jesus, not the sinus plague I was expecting to expectorate.
Great.
I don't have the flu, I'm just so depressed that I can barely function.
I'd rather have the flu.
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Songs From the Big Hair, Saturday , Dec. 15th:
Dream Syndicate- Until Lately
It just goes to show how wrong you can be...
Joe Jackson- Right and Wrong
Joe! Side four is completely blank! More water to table 18! Oh...that nightmare is over.
Cardiacs- Big Ship
Can one still run away from home and join the Merchant Marine?
Magazine- This Poison
*Snaps fingers* Special order for table 23!
Stranglers- Who Wants The World?
This is rhetorical. They already have it.
Tuxedomoon- Everything You Want
Is not the way you wanted.
Robyn Hitchcock - Chinese Bones
I'm avoiding the inevitable "recall season" by not purchasing any Chinese-made goods this year. In fact, I'm not buying anything at all. Safety first!
Talking Heads- Houses in Motion
I am starting to look at my car as a sort of low-rent mini-apartment on wheels.
The Residents- Less, not More
This album has 40 songs. Each song is exactly 60 seconds long. Genius.
Adrian Belew- Adidas in Heat
The Residents- My Work is So Behind
Dukes of Stratosphere- Little Lighthouse
Robert Wyatt- Age of Self
Golden Palominos- Strong Simple Silences
Snakefinger- Trashing all the Loves of History
Mission Of Burma- This is not a Photograph
Wipers- No One Wants an Alien
Godley & Creme- Cry
This one's for the Hat.
King Crimson- Sleepless
Oingo Boingo- Fill the Void
Pere Ubu- Miss You
Danielle Dax- Whistling for his Love
Grace Jones- Nipple to the Bottle
Jane Siberry - Mimi on the Beach
Lou Reed - Don't Talk to Me About Work
Tom Verlaine- A Future in Noise
Neil Young- No More
OK. I made it. Now I will go home and take a short nap.
A short nap. Hah!
I slept for twelve hours and barely made it the station in time for my morning show:
The New Breakfast Snob, Sunday Dec 16th:
Band de Soleil - Woman on the Floor
Michelle Malone rocks! For twelve minutes...I need a long song, my bowels hurt.
Little Feat - Dixie Chicken
Nine minutes...still not feeling so hot.
Claanad- Together We
Blind Faith- Had to Cry Today
Well, not only do I feel like crap, the turntable has crapped out again...there goes half my show.
Hot Tuna- Funk #7
Eleven minutes!
Blonde Redhead- Bipolar
No, it just looks that way.
Supertramp- Child of Vision
Seven minutes!
Eleni Mandell- Dreamboat
This song is very quiet and haunting...as it faded, I announced the songs in my best soft, seductive radio voice...let's take a moment and reflect on the year that's passed...setting the tone for something all mellow and sentimental-like.
Then-
Led Zeppelin- Communication Breakdown
Suck it.
Thin Lizzy- That Woman's Gonna Break Your Heart
Really? First time for everything, I guess.
10CC- The Things We Do For Love
Sometimes I like to pretend that I am on AM radio.
Steely Dan- Only a Fool Would Say That
Word.
Eleanor McCovey - Whisper and Prayer
Sigh. My heart is enervated today.
Mott the Hoople - Death May Be Your Santa Claus
This is the only Christmas song I'm playing this year. Next week, I may put it on a two-hour repeating loop and nap until it's time for the next DJ to show up.
The Doors- Blue Sunday
This is terrible.
Fiona Joyce- Long Road to Travel
This is pretty.
Jethro Tull- One Brown Mouse
This is for PETA.
Al Stewart- Sirens of Titans
This is for Leo.
Be Bop Deluxe- Love is Swift Arrows
This is for no one.
Austin Lounge Lizards- Jesus Loves Me (But He Can't Stand You)
This is for Friday's crowd.
Peter Tosh - Can't Fool Me Again
Well, you could. It wouldn't be hard to do.
Tom Verlaine- True Story
I swear I made it all up.
Pretty Things- The Letter/Rain
When I got to our meeting place/ I stared into empty space/ No one here for me...
Lou Reed- Vicious
Hit me with a flower.
That's all.
13 comments:
I think you being the only white guy there and then being on cracker patrol is just hysterical....sorry your so bummed out..wish I could help...
Christian comedians, spare me...jeez that's absolutely hellish, I'm ashamed at myself for laughing!
The Cracker Boss!!,,That's freakin' hysterical!..sorry 'bout all that enervation though.
Bible reference to crackers:
Job 41:29
A club seems to him but a piece of straw; he laughs at the rattling of the lance.
I hope someday that you are able to look back on this and laugh as hard as I am right now.
I'm so sorry hon.
(((HUGS)))
Oh yeah I forgot, come to my place tomorrow and pick up an award.
This makes me think of my first days working as a banquet waitress for 2300 club. I was put on Shrimp Cleaning Patrol, which is the most disgusting thing to do. In between bussing tables and presenting appetizers, I had to remove the vein from 50 pounds of shrimp. Also very funny, because I was the shrimpiest person there.
But, I did a good job and sort of stayed in a happy mood. This is mainly because I had a six weeks old child at home and I was blessedly out of the house three or more hours!!! And, I guess I proved myself to them, because I never had to clean shrimp again.
I have long relied on waitressing to get me by the hard times. It’s a good skill to have. Your post cracked me up as I remembering going through the same thing, only my co-employees tended to be coke heads rather than Jesus freaks. Not much better.
Hang in there. It's going to get better.
fork allan... i'm worried about you dude!
awesome selection- your taste doesn't seem to suffer no matter how you seem to be feeling, but i do wish i could do something to help you out!
Ah, yes, THE COMMERCIAL ALBUM!
Wasn't the idea there that The Residents were going to BUY air time so that the radio stations would play their music?
I wonder if any of THOSE guys are arranging club crackers these days? It would easily make for a 14 album concept piece.
Hope you'll be feeling better on all fronts soon, pal!
did he ask you to lick his big chocolate salty balls?
Thank you. Enervate is one of the vocab words for my final tomorrow. Now I will actually remember it. I'm just sorry it had to come at the expense of such a weird/bad experience.
JS- Well, it wasn't called cracker patrol...
Sling- I heard a guy talking about the 'enervated' NE Patriots football team yesterday...it's an epidemic.
Whim- It's a world of shit if you can't laugh.
Schlep- I think Clubs are used by Nabiscoans - and Lance calls them "Captain's Wafers". It confuses me.
Beth- The worst of all are the Jesus freaks who are reformed coke heads.
Angel- I'm worried too. I feel better today. Not sick, anyway.
CD- Yeah, that's the rumor...I should have asked Snakefinger when I had the chance...he died a couple of weeks after I met him.
BP- I wish he would have. I would have felt comfortable saying "no" to that. The prayer was awkward.
YY- Never misunderestimate the importantness of knowing a good vocabulary. Get an A!
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