Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Got Meat?


"Excuse me! Excuse me!" a shrill voice behind me exclaims.

I'm working at a table in a hotel showroom, my job is to watch real estate agents as they test their electronic keys on a demonstration lockbox. It's pretty exciting but I manage to tear my gaze away long enough to turn around and see what the shrilling is about.
The sound is directed at me, it's coming from a short round woman with big eyes and a blinking phone-thing in her ear ,it looks like Gene Rodenberry's version of my great-granpa's hearing aid.
She seems lost.

"I am not supposed to be here", she says."What should I do?"

My mind wrestles with replies to this rather open question:

-None of us are supposed to be here- you are a fluke of the universe and nothing more. Get over it.

-Have you considered leaving?

But I need the money so I simply beg her pardon.

She waves a scrap of newspaper at me.

"I'm supposed to be at the United Dystopian Hermaphrodites for Jesus Jamboree", she says- or something that sounds like it.

I stare. The what?

"This isn't that, is it?", she asks, sheepishly offering the scrap of paper to me. I read it, it's for an event at a Marriot several miles away- this is a Sheraton.

"Ma'am, the Marriot is four or five miles straight down the road on the right."

"No!"

No? She said no?

"This is the Marriot!", she exclaims.

"This is the Sheraton", I observe.

"How about there?", she points into an adjacent conference room. "Is that the Marriot?"

***************************************************

Today it was still the Sheraton. Yesterday they told us we'd probably go home early, but I wound up staying late tonight, trying to get overtime. I was very hungry when I left.

Perhaps I will have oatmeal and pancakes again, I thought cheerlessly, scratching at my protruding ribcage.

When I got home I found a large styrofoam shipping cooler on my porch , the perfect size for mailing a human head. I wondered if my New Jersey family ties were finally catching up to me.

I should have opted for Witness Protection when I had the chance...

It was from New Jersey alright, but not from the mob- it was from my New Jersey friends Liz and Craig (big yummy thanks)- there wasn't a human head inside after all.
What was in it?

It held meat. The eating kind. Filet Mignon and crab-stuffed sole. Burgers and pork chops. Steaks and franks. Meatterrific! And get this: it came with a set of knives! I need new knives! Who knew?
Apparently Liz did- telepathy? Cool.

According to the attached note, a full freezer is the key to attracting prosperity- if not, I'll be on unemployment and eating Filet Mignon. A real win-win situation as far as I see it.

I usually don't eat meat more than a few times a month but lately I've been craving the stuff, so this is manna from above for me. I'm really lucky to have great friends who seem to know exactly what I need when times are rough; todayI really needed a cheeseburger-tonight I have the whole cow! ( And part of the hog, some fish, taters and other things too.)

Dinner is served!

*****************************
And yes, I have seen Fast Food Nation.

15 comments:

yellowdog granny said...

wow, to be SO loved that people send you meat..you lucky sonofabitch..

angel said...

oh thats awesome dude- i think i love liz & craig too now for feeding you so well!!!

Lyzard said...

For the record - we're in NY state this year. Probably back to Jersey by mid-August, there's no escaping Dirty Jerz.

And Allan, I'm so glad you didn't make the New Year's resolution to be vegetarian because I would have felt like a total ass!

Eat Well & Prosper.

schlep said...

Hail the new flesh! Good one Liz & Craig.

Meira said...

Oooh, that is SUCH a cool idea. I'm bummed I didn't think of it.

Enjoy your meat!

beth said...

Now you can barbeque!

Craig D said...

That's so great! What friends!

I was gonna re-gift a Red Robin gift card to ya, but that'd only gotten you one of those aforementioned cheeseburgers.

Enjoy your protein windfall...

Auld Hat said...

My faith in humanity lost lost lost in that kooky lady with the newspaper. And then, my faith in humanity once again restored with meat, glorious meat!

Allan said...

JS-I am a lucky SOB alright.

Angel- Big love vibes to them for sure!

Liz- Big love vibes!

Schlep- Got grill?

Meira- I'm enjoying my meat!

Beth- That's a good idea. Hmmm...got grill?

CD- They are awesome,no?
Thanks for the thoughts, looks like I'm set for awhile!

Hat- Um...that straight line is dangling like a pinata...must resist

Auld Hat said...

Emphasis on dangling?

CS said...

Okay, skipping over the meat bit - how lucky you are to have a friend stocking your freezer. And wow, that poor, poor woman who didn't understand that one room in a hotel is in the same hotel as the next room.

yellowdog granny said...

so if there is a fire you will grab your meat and beat it?

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

LMFAO! Ah the morons you will meet.

Liz and Craig rule!

homo escapeons said...

This post renews my faith in mankind..except the twat who thought the next room could be the Marriot.
She obviously didn't stay at a Holiday Inn last night..DUH

What nice friends you have, you are a RICH man!

more cowbell said...

Wow! That's wonderful. Enjoy getting your protein on.