Monday, June 09, 2008

If I Must Be A Pooper

My meme filter broke and one got through.

Great.

See, there's these folks on the other side of the country and one of them sorta insisted that I do a 'meme'...I bet that after I comply, these Left Coasties are gonna gather together and talk shit about me behind my back...they may say that they're really just "on vacation", but I know better.
I know that the world actually revolves around my snacking habits and daily routine.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have gotten this meme, the doing of which is a duty I will now discharge:

Q: What Was I Doing Ten Years Ago?

I was selling bootleg Traci Lords videotapes to a State Trooper at the Heroes ComicBook Convention in Charlotte, NC. The exchange wasn't going very well as far as I was concerned- the Trooper wanted to pay me in cash and I wanted to be compensated with dope. Good dope like last year. And the year before.
Instead he handed me an envelope with money in it. Money? I can't smoke that! My customer told me sorry, but he can't 'barter' anymore, too dangerous at work these days...shit! Who am I too argue with a State Trooper? They carry guns.

Five Things On Today's To Do List:

- I finally have a job again, so I have to get out of bed, shave, shower, dress and drive to a place where I do not live...this has been optional for a long stretch of time; it is once again mandatory- and a good thing, too!

- Feed the cats. Technically, this is four things and my meme obligation is now fulfilled- two cats twice per day equals four feedings- but that would be a pretty dull day, wouldn't it?
Don't think I haven't had days like that.

- Read Blogs. That's how I got in this meme mess in the first place.

- Make friends with the mail room clerk at new job. I sold a few items on Amazon this weekend and I hate going to the Post Office.

- Re-read my favorite email.

Snacks That I Enjoy:

My favorite snack is coffee but I also enjoy popcorn prepared in a hot-air popper and then drizzled with enough real butter to off-set any potential health benefits. I am currently working on a method of drying raw coffee beans in such a way that they will pop like corn when heated. My research will begin in earnest just as soon as I get my Government Grant...chocolate-covered air- popped coffee beans. Yum!

I like bananas. I eat 3-4 of them almost every day. They taste good, they are cheap and they come in their own naturally biodegradable wrapper. Healthy, too.

What Would I Do If I Were A Billionaire?

To common people, a billion dollars sounds like a lot of money. It's not. For instance, I want a luxury spaceship that seats a dozen and is capable of speedy interplanetary flight,but good luck finding a reliable one for a measly billion dollars. Where? On the Tatooine Craig's List?

I guess I'd buy some arable, livable land in a temperate climate, pay some decent carpenter-types to build me a solar-enhanced house, then I'd grow food and raise chickens, maybe a cow or two. I imagine that being responsible for a cow would probably turn me into a lactose-free vegetarian, but hey, I'm a billionaire. If I wanna have a cow, I'll have a cow.
I wonder if cattle can be housebroken?

-I would also buy a horse, but not for eating or any other indoor use.

-Otari 24-track reel-to-reel, a Neve console and a box of Telefunken microphones.

-I'd give a few bucks to the non-profit I volunteer at. And some nice microphones too.

-I'd pay my brother back the money I owe him.

I don't have any children, but I know some smart kids. I'd buy them the best education available in the optimistic hope that they'll grow up and discover how to fix all the problems caused by previous generations, including my own.

PLACES I HAVE LIVED

Maryland
Utah
Virginia
Texas
I-95
The woods
My Mind

BLOGS THAT I LIKE

Are listed over there---->


Are we done?

That wasn't so bad.


6 comments:

yellowdog granny said...

a billion is nothing any more...it's chump change for the really wealthy...but i'd take it in a heart beat..

billy pilgrim said...

traci lords? i'm guessin the state trooper was interested in her portfolio of work from the teen years.

it's pretty hard to pull a fast one on a trooper.

Allan said...

JS- Yeah, I could live comfy for a lot less than that...I dream of making $25k a year.

BP- I used him as a character reference years later when I got busted for dope. I had three cops and a U.S. Army Colonel write letters for me...the judge liked that!

whimsical brainpan said...

I love the pop corn coffee beans idea!

Re-read an email?! That must be some email.

whimsical brainpan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Auld Hat said...

What a good sport you is :)