If I Must Be A Pooper

My meme filter broke and one got through.

Great.

See, there's these folks on the other side of the country and one of them sorta insisted that I do a 'meme'...I bet that after I comply, these Left Coasties are gonna gather together and talk shit about me behind my back...they may say that they're really just "on vacation", but I know better.
I know that the world actually revolves around my snacking habits and daily routine.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have gotten this meme, the doing of which is a duty I will now discharge:

Q: What Was I Doing Ten Years Ago?

I was selling bootleg Traci Lords videotapes to a State Trooper at the Heroes ComicBook Convention in Charlotte, NC. The exchange wasn't going very well as far as I was concerned- the Trooper wanted to pay me in cash and I wanted to be compensated with dope. Good dope like last year. And the year before.
Instead he handed me an envelope with money in it. Money? I can't smoke that! My customer told me sorry, but he can't 'barter' anymore, too dangerous at work these days...shit! Who am I too argue with a State Trooper? They carry guns.

Five Things On Today's To Do List:

- I finally have a job again, so I have to get out of bed, shave, shower, dress and drive to a place where I do not live...this has been optional for a long stretch of time; it is once again mandatory- and a good thing, too!

- Feed the cats. Technically, this is four things and my meme obligation is now fulfilled- two cats twice per day equals four feedings- but that would be a pretty dull day, wouldn't it?
Don't think I haven't had days like that.

- Read Blogs. That's how I got in this meme mess in the first place.

- Make friends with the mail room clerk at new job. I sold a few items on Amazon this weekend and I hate going to the Post Office.

- Re-read my favorite email.

Snacks That I Enjoy:

My favorite snack is coffee but I also enjoy popcorn prepared in a hot-air popper and then drizzled with enough real butter to off-set any potential health benefits. I am currently working on a method of drying raw coffee beans in such a way that they will pop like corn when heated. My research will begin in earnest just as soon as I get my Government Grant...chocolate-covered air- popped coffee beans. Yum!

I like bananas. I eat 3-4 of them almost every day. They taste good, they are cheap and they come in their own naturally biodegradable wrapper. Healthy, too.

What Would I Do If I Were A Billionaire?

To common people, a billion dollars sounds like a lot of money. It's not. For instance, I want a luxury spaceship that seats a dozen and is capable of speedy interplanetary flight,but good luck finding a reliable one for a measly billion dollars. Where? On the Tatooine Craig's List?

I guess I'd buy some arable, livable land in a temperate climate, pay some decent carpenter-types to build me a solar-enhanced house, then I'd grow food and raise chickens, maybe a cow or two. I imagine that being responsible for a cow would probably turn me into a lactose-free vegetarian, but hey, I'm a billionaire. If I wanna have a cow, I'll have a cow.
I wonder if cattle can be housebroken?

-I would also buy a horse, but not for eating or any other indoor use.

-Otari 24-track reel-to-reel, a Neve console and a box of Telefunken microphones.

-I'd give a few bucks to the non-profit I volunteer at. And some nice microphones too.

-I'd pay my brother back the money I owe him.

I don't have any children, but I know some smart kids. I'd buy them the best education available in the optimistic hope that they'll grow up and discover how to fix all the problems caused by previous generations, including my own.

PLACES I HAVE LIVED

Maryland
Utah
Virginia
Texas
I-95
The woods
My Mind

BLOGS THAT I LIKE

Are listed over there---->


Are we done?

That wasn't so bad.

Meme-Thing

It must be Christmas- I am doing a meme. Christmas makes me do crazy shit.

New Year's Resolution: No more memes...wait, that was last year's rez...and the previous year's as well...fuckity, it's for YDG and I'd do almost anything for YDG- including moving to Texas. Maybe.

Anyway:


Favorite X-mas Memory: Spending Christmas Night alone in the back of a Mexican restaurant in Eugene Oregon, where I was working as a transient busboy, circa 1990. I used my tips to purchase a 40-ounce bottle of Schlitz Malt Likker and a pair of Spider-Man comics .
This particular memory isn't mine, but it is my favorite.

Favorite X-mas Song- Rudy the Redneck Reindeer: In the early 90's I played in a punk/metal/space-rock band called Mister Sensitive...at one pre-Christmas gig, I dressed as Santa and was given a bottle of Tequila by my Lesbian Fan Club- I carried it on stage with me, Santa chugging fer the worm between songs- during a pukey, belching fit, the rest of the band started playing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed..."- after my belching subsided, I ad-libbed the lyrics...I am told I was brilliant. I barely remember it.

Favorite X-Mas Movie: This would be an untitled home movie I made with my Utah girlfriend, Natalie, back in the winter of 1985...it's in freaking Beta. Do you remember Beta tape?
I sure do.

Favorite X-Mas Ornament: Played a featured role in the aforementioned movie.

What are your X-mas Plans?: I don't have a job or any money to buy gifts, so I plan on fixing a really good home-cooked meal with all the trimmings and feeding my small family until they expand...this all depends on my grandmother's health. She may be in the hospital on Christmas, which will change all of our plans.

If I can have one gift, it would be to have my Granma at home on the 25th.

To all my Blogpals: Happy Everything to Everyone!


........................................................

Next: Who Knows? Life is Nuts.

Got Schmooze?

I'd like to thank my stalwart blogpal Sling for this award, even if I'm a bit mystified as to what I did to earn it. A 'community involvement/schmoozing' award is an odd thing for a self-professed subversive, reclusive, anarchistic, iconoclastic and downright anti-social Intertube crackpot to receive...or is it? Up is down, war is peace and American Idol is entertainment, so I suppose that by following that logic, I must be a pillar of strength in the blogosphere; a regular paragon of virtual virtue.

My award-winning humility is one of my myriad superlative qualities, but my rockin' modesty prevents me from listing them all- one of the drawbacks to being the Most Humble Man on Earth is that it doesn't come with bragging rights...but I can boast about some of the people who are lucky enough to have 'met' me online, er, uh...I mean that I have been fortunate enough to meet.
Yeah. That's it.

#1) Whim: Last year, quite a few bloggers with whom I had a passing acquaintance received emails regarding me from a shamelessly self-important blogger with a marginal messiah complex- he was warning them of my nefarious plan to commit suicide on-air during my Sunday morning radio show. I was one of the last people to hear of my own plans, very few folks took the time to write to me and ask me what was going on; most simply accepted this self-appointed arbiter of Blog behavior at his word.
I frequently point out the perils and folly of believing unsubstantiated claims without checking the sources, but a few readers did write to me and ask WTF? Whim was one of them. Whim understands what it feels like to be a survivor, and although we both get depressed at times, neither one of us is in need of a suicide watch. I quit drinking in order to live, not die- that's a major theme of my writing since my illness of 2005. Whim, who has fought to survive as hard as any human can possibly fight, understood this and after a short time she became one of my favorite penpals of all time. Her support during a period when it felt as if nearly the entire blogiverse had turned against me - for no reason- was invaluable in keeping me 'in the game'. I sure hopes she gets back on-line soon.

#2) Jackie Sue :Yellowdog Granny isn't old enough to be my grandmother, but she's cool enough to be my mom. Even her bad moods are funnier than 10,000 sitcoms, and when she starts dissecting the news and adding her own observations, you can see well how she uses humor to cope with a world that she is unblissfully aware of. I am glad she is my friend, because she'd be a formidable adversary. You absolutely DO NOT fuck with her.
Freya watches over this one.
'Nuff said.
(Under those big Texas Titties beats a heart of gold- see her latest post for details.)

#3) Angel: Like Whim, I was introduced to Angel by a blogger who no longer talks to me, but that's OK because Angel still does. She's a unique woman with a heavy load- but she bears it with dignity, humor and just the right amount of outrage. She is active in many blogging groups and has won so many awards that I fear her blog may tip sideways from the weight of all the trophies on her sidebar, but hey, what's one more? I am out-of-my-territory when it comes to child-rearing, but Angel seems to understand parenting and she knows how to get involved with web-networks of parents with similar situations and understands the importance of the support these groups provide. For that alone, she deserves this 'community' award.
(It's a secret fantasy of mine to start a communal ranch and raise domesticated mythological beasts. Angel would be my Dragon-Keeper)

#4) Skeet: I honestly don't know Skeet all that well, but she is an extraordinarily prolific blogger and I especially enjoy her observations on living in Hawaii- it's not what you get from the travel brochures. At one point -perhaps even now- she had numerous blogs on various hosts- like Angel, her sidebar is choc-a-bloc with accolades and blogger community widgets - Skeet does do some 'Post-for-Pay' work and she has been back-handedly criticized for that, but I would like to come to her defense: Life is hard and expensive, her blogs are well-written and she has told me she would not endorse products she found distasteful- I say if she can make a few extra bucks by doing something harmless that she obviously enjoys, then she deserves some respect- a few paid posts, contrary to the opinions of some, will not ruin blogs, blogging or the blogosphere. For all I know, those paid posts might be what pays her Internet bills and make the whole blog possible...always check your facts and sources before you presume to attach motives to the actions of others. Oh yeah, she has some great pics too...except maybe the fried food...that looked nasty, heheh.

#5) Cruel Virgin, AKA, Enemy of the Republic: Anyone who can get 71 comments and answer all of them must be doing something that involves the 'blogging community', the fact that she manages to upset, piss-off and generally outrage some truly stupid commenters indicates that she must be doing something right- she's spiritual, but not dogmatic- I suspect that it's her never-ending critical examination of the Divine that upsets the nutjobs, at least one of whom seems to really, really want to sleep with her, despite her frequently mentioned marriage . That thinly veiled desire is about the only comment from that person that makes sense to me. Smart women are sexy as hell and EotR is very smart.


#6) CS- CS has picked up on the usefulness of blog as therapy, she's had some major turmoil but manages to find some peace and beauty -or at least insight and irony- in nearly all her works. I think she's be a fun person to hike with..."ooooh, look at this" would be a phrase heard often, I imagine. Did I mention that smart women are sexy?
There is a cleansing, transitional quality to her recent posts, which seem to appear every sixty seconds or so, complete with photos that bring vicarious joy to my precarious state of mind.
For these brief moments of beauty, I have added one more blogger to the mandated list of five.
I never was very good at following rules...some are better broken.

#7) Craig D.- CD understands the beauty of truly cheesy LPs and he is an unabashed punster. I find these to be admirable qualities. It wasn't until recently that I found out that he also has a history of Rockin'...on the trombone! I think he eventually switched to MIDI banjo or something...in any case, he's almost as famous as I am, so you better treat him right. Don't misunderestimate the trombonist -or bassist or whatever- if you can play original music in front of a live audience, you are already ahead of 9o% of people who merely own a musical instrument. Keep on 'Bonin'!

NEXT: Bridges, and how to burn them.

Roll Yourself Up

Is there anybody out there who doesn't understand the basic idea of Role-Playing Games (RPG's) in general and Dungeons and Dragons in particular?

Anyone?

Today, you can play D&D on your laptop ,but back in the old days we played it on a tabletop. A tabletop is not a form of computer, it's just the top of a table.

(A table is like a desk- only unlike a desk, you are supposed to eat at a table)

One person would assume the role of Dungeon Master, or DM. The DM's job in the game was to make stuff up. The DM would have an entire fantasy world mapped out , along with a general background story for the various regions and a few highly-detailed adventure scenarios for actual gameplay. The DM served as a sort of live-action interactive storyteller, explaining the settings and situations to the players-or Player Characters (PCs) - who would assume a 'fantasy' persona such as a wizard, warrior, priest or thief and respond to the information presented by the DM. A snippet of a D&D game might sound something like this:

DM: " You hear a rumbling, crashing sound in the forest to your right, it gets noticeably closer, and you can tell that it is the sound of large trees falling. It sounds like something big is
coming, and fast."

PC 1, Fighter: " I draw my sword!"

PC 2, Wizard: " I cast a protection from evil spell."

PC 3, Thief : (in a written note handed to DM): "I pickpocket gold from PC2 while she's distracted."

DM (Rolls dice) : " Wizard, you notice a tugging at your belt- it's the thief and his hand is in your purse. Meanwhile, a hungry manticore has lunged out of the woods and is charging directly at you. What do you do?"

The DM and players used polyhedral dice with 4, 6 , 8, 10,12 and 20 sides to generate the results of the various combats, magic spells, thieving endeavors, etc. that would take place. Events and actions were assigned a hierarchy of probabilities/outcomes and the results thereof would be determined by a combination of the DM's intent and a series of random numbers.

To generate a random number between, say, 2-16, one would roll a pair of eight-sided dice , or d8s. D&D dice came in a huge variety of colors and materials and were collected , envied and admired in much the same way that previous generations venerated glass marbles. Oooh, a glow-in-the dark d20! A transparent d4! A loaded d6! Cool!

These same dice were used to create (or "roll up") the player's characters, who were comprised of a series of attributes: Strength, Intelligence, Wisdom, Dexterity, Constitution and Charisma. The normal human range was based on a bell-shaped curve between 3-18; for example, a character with a Strength of 18 could knock most ordinary doors down with little effort, while one with a STR of 3 could scarcely slice bread.

(Typically, 3 d6 were used (3-18), although I usually allowed the PCs to roll 4 d6 and keep the highest 3 dice.)

Most 'normal' humans fall into the 9 to 11 range, but the fantasy characters generally needed above average scores in order to survive very long, hence the best 3 dice of 4 mentioned in the preceding paragraph. (A weak Fighter would not win many battles, a stupid Wizard couldn't cast many spells, etc...)

Each player also chose a class (profession) , such as magic-user, bard or fighter; a race -human, elf, dwarf etc , and an alignment- a moral compass to act under: Evil, Neutral or Good, which could be further catergorized as Lawful ,Chaotic or Neutral.

As these characteristics and attributes were determined, the players would write them down on a 'character sheet' ( piece of loose-leaf paper), which would be modified as the persona gained experience and powers over the course of their adventures. It might look like this (sans comments, of course):

Name: Mungo the Mighty

Class: Fighter ( uses all weapons and armor skillfully, cannot cast spells)
Level ( how skilled/experienced the PC is): 2 - barely starting, has killed a few goblins and a dozen giant rats .

Race: Human.

Alignment: Lawful Good- Mungo is an obedient, good-willed Boy Scout at heart.

STRength: 18- maximum 'normal' strength. Mungo is buff! If he hits you, it is gonna hurt.

INTelligence: 7- Mungo have hard time make complete sentence. He is vulnerable to mind-control magic.

WISdom: 12 - Mungo has enough sense to ask the Wizard for help with his grammar.

DEXterity: 14- Mungo is agile, making him a harder target to hit in battle. He's a good shot with a longbow.

CONstitution: 15- Mungo is quite healthy. He can withstand more punishment than most folks and rarely gets ill. He is somewhat resistant to ordinary poisons.

CHArisma: 6- Mungo's face has launched a thousand whips. Mungo is also sort of a drag to be around; Mungo lack tact but Mungo not care. You behave or Mungo be mad. Not many friends for Mungo.

Hit Points: 22 - For an unseasoned warrior, Mungo is very durable. (Zero hit points = dead)

What kind of character would you be? Here is myself in D&D terms:

Name: Me
Class: Bard - Bards are adventuring storytellers and musicians. They are mediocre fighters, have some thieving skills and can cast low-level magic spells. Their songs can inspire their comrades, giving the entire group bonuses in combat and other perilous situations. They are otherwise pretty useless. Not many people play them as characters.

Level : 8- I'm OK, but there are an awful lot of bards who are better.
Alignment: Chaotic Good - I try to follow my conscience; I despise rules, unless I have a say in making them. I change my mind but not my convictions.

Race: Human

STR: 13 - Me is a lot stronger than he looks. Me was once the arm-wrestling champ at his buddy's tattoo parlor . Me beat a bunch of burly dudes in an impromptu tournament, probably the most macho moment of Me's entire life.

INT: 25- This is as high as human intelligence gets in the game. The rules need to be re-written to accomodate Me's enormous intellect- and Me is just the man to do it, being a super-genius and all .

WIS: 6 (3) -Me really should know better, but he keeps making the same mistakes over and over. Me's high INT tells him he's doing dumb stuff, but Me's low WIS lets him do it anyway. The parenthetical '3' reflects Me's minus-three penalty when dealing with the opposite sex.

DEX: (14) 11- Me used to be quite nimble, but illnesses and injuries have permanently lowered this score. Two surgeries on his left arm, broken ankles on both legs, etc...currently 11, was 14 at first-level. Still OK. Dancing incurs an additional penalty of minus 4.

CON: (17) 13- Years of drugs and booze have caused a permanent minus-4 penalty here, but Me never would have survived at all without a really high base CON score. Currently 13, was reduced to 0 at one point , late 2005. Zero CON= dead.
That was why Me quit drinking.

CHA: 8- Yeah, Me may be beautiful, but if Me rates his own INT at 25, Me must be crazy in a delusional and possibly dangerous way, and that personality defect lowers his CHA to the point where the rules say Me can't even be a Bard , much less an accomplished one.
A truly great bard has a high charisma score and performs for royal audiences- Me has a garage band that plays at open mic night and keggers. Mungo plays drums.

Hit Points: 50- For a wimpy bard, I'm frustratingly difficult to kill.

Notes: Me suffers a minus-3 penalty to Wisdom when interacting with human women.
Me also gets an additional 3 bard songs per day, as Me is abnormally prolific.

Here's a blank sheet. Roll yourself up and paste it somewhere. Special powers are OK. Be psionic. Or not.

Name:
Class:
Level:
Alignment:
Race:

STR:
INT:
WIS:
DEX:
CON:
CHA:

Hit Points:

Notes: