Saturday, June 20, 2009

More Bullshit

Ah, a mailbox full of fresh, steaming spam! I have recently re-activated my on-line 'job-seeker' services and my Bullshit folder is already filling up almost as quickly as I can hit 'delete'.

Luckily for me, I have several nigh-invincible methods of detecting Interweb bullshit.(Obviously, routine emails from trusted sources are usually exempt from this scrutiny).

The first method primarily deals with emails that use the acronym FWD , which stands for Filled With Doubts,( or alternately, Facts Without Documentation) in the subject line.
Using my FWD method, I can quickly determine the veracity of an email's contents by assigning a truthiness value based on nothing more than the subject line.

Any email with FWD in the subject line has an automatic 10% chance of being utter bullshit and this likelihood increases exponentially with each further usage of FWD, i.e., an email beginning with 'FWD:FWD' = 10 times 10, or a 100% chance of being bullshit.

There are some egghead traditionalist-types who question my FWD formula, so I will give voice to the opposition:

Traditional FWD theory is much more cumulative and complex than my simple FWD formula; unlike classical theory, mine is exponential and designed for idiots.

Classicists maintain that the most accurate way to detect BS is to assign a base truthiness value of 10 for each accumulated usage of FWD, i.e., FWD:FWD = 10+10, or a 20% likelihood of BS. Some of the more realistically-minded classical FWD theorists also assign values based on the number of email addresses included in the chain, for example,adding an extra 1% chance of BS per addressee is standard...I will concede that the traditional approach probably yields a more accurate result when it comes to detecting inaccuracies, but I will also argue that my exponential formula is much easier to deal with- simply delete everything with two or more FWDs.

My third detection method deals with job offers.
It's very simple: All unsolicited job offers are scams. If you didn't apply for the job, they aren't hiring you. Period.

-No legitimate employer will initiate contact with you via email- if someone wants to hire you, they will call you. On the phone.

-No one starts the hiring process with "Cn U Wrk 4 me?"...in fact, if you see any permutation of the phrase "U CAN" anywhere in the correspondence, automatically assume that you would rather not and assign that particular email the highest BS value allowable (plus 10% for re-stocking).

-Also be aware that corporate recruiters do not, as a rule, end their email addresses with Yahoo dot com or use cell phone numbers as their main business line. Just sayin'.

I recently received an email with this subject: "[My Name and Job Service] resume:File Clerk."
I do have File Clerk on my search index, so I broke my own rule and opened the Damned Thing.
It, of course, was a scam.

Here are some excerpts,with my comments added:

Dear Employee,

PLEASE READ CAREFULLY (you don't have to tell me twice)

About Us
SpiderSEO is an SEO Firm helping small and medium companies with their Internet Marketing and Search engine optimization efforts.

We take a unique approach that allows companies to help themselves. Marketing your company or products on the web can be costly. The secret to keep the costs down is to be able to so some of the work yourself. We are able to handle all your Internet marketing needs or teach you how to do it your self and act as a seo consultant.

Wait... the secret to keeping costs down is to "be able to so some of the work yourself "? That is a terribly odd prelude to a job offer. The letter then goes on to contradict it's own statement by offering me money for doing something that almost anyone can do, which is to cash checks:

YOUR TASK
This application is for the position of a Data Entry Clerk in SpiderSEO and the job will require you receive payments on behalf of SpiderSEO from clients and customers with outstanding payment from services rendered. These payments will come in the form of Money Orders which you will be required to cash at the bank or a cashing point after which you'll send these funds to the company via western union or Money Gram as the case maybe using directives that'll be provided to you. The salary is a minimum of $500/Week or $2200/Month (Remember to state your pick while forwarding the requested details below). More than a transaction can be handled a week . All transactions entries will be done using the Quick Books Online Pro &/or the Excel Spreadsheets. Transactions handled are TAX FREE, Paid by SpiderSEO..

Man, is there anything that isn't wrong with this come-on? First, NEVER cash checks for strangers. Duh.
Second,why would the company want their clients to send Money Orders to a third party when the Company could, according to it's own credo, save money by doing some of the work themselves, i.e., maintaining their own bank account?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, I doubt if SpiderSeo could find qwerty on a keyboard, much less anything of significant value to anyone on-line, but I do know that this post will get hits from people Googling fragments of the spam excerpted above.

Here's a Free Secret To Boost Your Site Traffic:

Whenever I cut and paste from a spam email, my website traffic goes way up. True!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next: Music Stuff.

12 comments:

more cowbell said...

I'm catching up on blogs, leaving comments that will never be seen on old posts -- so so sorry about the layoff. This economy is a bitch on wheels. I hope the hiring fairy flits on your shoulder soon. (No, FLITS, not shits.)

whimsical brainpan said...

"FWD , which stands for Filled With Doubts,( or alternately, Facts Without Documentation)"

I love it!

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

i was hoping for good news from you by now..sigh*....chin up..tits out...

NYD said...

I just plain never open FWDs. My friends know this, but unfortunately my family doesn't.

FWD= Filled With Tetritus

NYD said...

Um...Detritus

Craig D said...

The only, only way I have ever landed a job is through newpaper classified ads.

Yeah, I spent lots of time travelling and going to dead-end, non-interviews thanks to MONSTER.COM, "head hunters" and employment agencies.

But the only time I ever landed the job was through the want ads.

Will it be different THIS time? I wonder...

citizen of the world said...

"Cn U Wrk 4 me"

But how do you know Prince isn't trying to hire you?

angel said...

Those spam things are simply fascinating.
Isn't the money through a third party thing called money laundering?

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