Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Donut Pass Go

I think that the donut production schedule at my local market is the most convincing argument for the existence of Divine Intelligent Design that I can make. This statement doesn't say much for my thoughts regarding the logical foundation of "Intelligent Design", but it sure speaks volumes about the humble reverence with which I view donuts.

Earthly manifestations of the Divine are often subject to zealous misinterpretation and the Sacred Donut is no exception; so before I continue with my sermon, I'd like to pause for a moment and debunk some commonly held beliefs about Donuts and God:

1: DONUTS ARE UNHEALTHY FOOD: FALSE!

In fact, donuts, taken as a group , are one of the best food values you can find. Think of it this way- your body needs to ingest roughly 2000-2500 calories per day in order to maintain it's normal functions- now imagine that you are trapped on an island with limited food supplies- what food are you going to want with you? Carrot sticks or donuts?

I was recently on a short airplane flight during which we were handed bags of baby carrots as our in-flight snack. The label on my two-ounce plastic pouch indicated that the entire contents of the bag consisted of a mere 15 calories! You would have to eat roughly 135 two-ounce bags of baby carrots in order to obtain enough calories for a single day's exertions- or you could eat two donuts. It would seem to be a no-brainer.

2: THERE IS NO GOD: FALSE!

If there's no God, then who invented churches and made Sunday morning such a popular day for attending them? And who decided that Saturday's baked goods would go on deep discount sale while almost everyone else is in church on Sunday morning, allowing me to get "first dibs"?

Why, God,of course!

On a typical Sunday, I can arrive just as the market opens and pick up an overstuffed box of donuts (12-20 crammed inside) for less than two dollars- there's enough calories in one of those packages to sustain me for a fortnight or longer and you can bet that I'm grateful for it because I know it's all part of of His plan to provide for me during my current hard times!
If you need more proof, consider this: have you ever taken a crusty, stale old donut and microwaved it for seven seconds? It transforms those hard little shit-cakes into steamy mouthfuls of heavenly miracles! It's about a million times better than loaves and fishes, I tell ya what!

And who invented the microwave? God did!



A Note Regarding Microwave Ovens And The Manifestation of Demons: Traditionally, Earthly visitations by Infernal Beasts have been marked with the over-powering smell of brimstone. In the "post 9-11" world, this has been replaced by the cloying stench of microwaved fish...the fish, of course is an ancient symbol of Christianity, so it's no accident that Satan chose fish as the ultimate office stink-bomb. Frequent lunchroom "sea-gas" may indicate that your co-workers are possessed by demons, but I'm guessing you already know that.

3 :God Hates Atheists But He Looks Out For Them Anyway: True!

Last Sunday, there was only one box of remaindered pastries still on the shelf when I arrived - tough economic times have generated a steep increase in the number of persons competing for day-old goods- so I snatched it up without a second glance and proceeded to check-out. I glanced through the carton's cellophane window as I scanned the package and saw movement. Tiny , swarming movements. Lots of them.

Tiny movements don't belong in donut boxes, so I peered through the transparent rectangle to see what was moving. The box was teeming with small winged insects, very much like fruit flies, only slightly larger. I gave the box a vigorous shake and a few flies loopily escaped from between the cardboard flaps.

I approached a nearby clerk in order to show her what I had found and a horrible thought occurred to me: All the years of drugs and booze are finally catching up to me...there are no bugs in this box, I'm simply starting to hallucinate. In five minutes, I'll be covered with spiders...and then abducted by aliens...Christ, I'm finally having my long-dreaded psychotic break with reality and it's being sparked by stale donuts. When -if- I 'wake up', it'll probably be in a padded cell, naked and covered with imaginary chocolate frosting.

I showed the clerk my donuts and she was strangely non-committal. She indicated that she needed to get the manager and ducked into the office, taking the package with her.

I'm being taken by Gypsy Bakers, I thought, they are in the back, pulling the old-switcheroo...or using a Port-A-Vac to suck the little flying bastards out of the box.

The manager appeared, clutching the box. He looked down at it, then at me. Was he assessing my sanity?

"Sir,", he began, "I apologize. These donuts appear to be contaminated. We'll be pulling the rest of the stock now. Thank you for bringing it to our attention."

The rest of the stock? But there are no more donuts!

So I drove to the next nearest market and approached the donut case. Empty.

I asked the clerk what was up with the donut shortage. I really wanted a donut but I didn't want to settle for a 'Hostess'-type brand.

"Oh", he told me," they are having some sort of problem at the other store and the donuts are late."

So I wound up buying two pounds of bananas instead of a box of donuts. They weren't nearly as much fun to eat as the donuts would have been, but I guess I should be thankful to God for taking extra-special care in helping me stick to such a healthy diet.

6 comments:

yinyang said...

Eew, flies in your doughnuts! At least you noticed them before you opened the box, but still... ::shudders::

Sling said...

Biblical scholars generally agree that the 'Manna from Heaven' that sustained the Israelites during the Exodus was in fact,powdered doughnuts!

billy pilgrim said...

you mean the cheap prick didn't give you a free box of something to make up for the bugs????

secret agent woman said...

I'm not sure a "thank you" was an adequate reward for bring the box and having to stand their and doubt your sanity.

But I always thought it was microwave-burned popcorn was the sign of the apocalypse.

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

the goddess is going to get pissed for giving god the credit for donuts..he made the fish and bread miracle..she made the donuts...

Craig D said...

Donuts are shaped like halos. NO COINCIDENCE SAYS I!