Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Terra Alert:Code Red

Imagine planet Earth as a living , sentient being; Gaea, or Earth Goddess ,if you will. It's hardly an original thought ( although it may well be the Original Thought). You might as well anthropomorphisize /deify the rest of the solar system while you're at it. This makes as much sense as any other belief system- maybe more than most.

Let's travel back in time about umpteen billion years. The Sun's having a party and everyone's invited. It's fun for a couple billion years, but eventually the other planets can't help but notice that Terra's getting all the attention. Why shouldn't she? She's a hottie.
It's the blue.
Jupiter and Saturn make their respective moves.

Terra ignores them, so they go somewhere and get in a fight. After considerable time passes, they make up, have a couple beers and make jokes about Uranus, but that's not relevant to the story at hand.

Mars, being the primordial Alpha-Male, cuts in, all smooth talk and starry promises. Venus drifts away, but Terra is smitten. Poor naive Earth.

What begins as as a cosmic one-nighter turns into a really bad co-dependent relationship, creating the Asteroid Belt as a prototypical example of grand-scale emotional baggage. Mars starts taking little pills that make him very boring and useless, so Terra gets custody of the Moon; Luna being the only good thing to come of their union.

Still reeling from the spiked punch at the Big Bang, Terra takes a long nap. She has uneasy dreams about giant lizards. Ever slept with someone who thrashes and talks while they're asleep? They got nuthin' on Terra.

Anyway, after a while she wakes up, feeling like a cosmic piece of sharphorn shit. She can feel continents shifting in her belly, threatening to become incontinence.

Urp! Kiss Pompeii goodbye.

Braap! Hello Black Death.

155,000 humans washed away by that first sour mouthful of pre-vomit bile.

Terra feels like she's going to get very sick, very soon.


odd_child said...

Woho! Me likey. I'm a link this post okay?

Allan said...

I'm okey-dokey ya betcha!

Canopenner said...


Allan said...


Chelsea said...

You have officially terrified me. That means it rocks. I linked to it.