I tried to go to sleep early tonight in order to be fresh for the new temp job, but dear ol' Dad put the kibosh on all that.
He called me tonight. First time in many years-probably at least six, maybe longer. I didn't even know he had my phone number.
Seeing his phone # come up on the ID scared the shit out of me. I was afraid it was about my Grandmother. He hung up after two rings. Then he calls again and hangs up on the first ring. Oh, god, I'm not ready for this bad news, whatever it is, but I call him back anyway.
Grandmother is fine, but Dad isn't doing so hot. He's drunker than a roomful of priests and feeling really sorry for himself. It's all other people's fault. By all, I mean everything that's wrong with his life, which is a lot of shit to pin on others.
This is the man who took us to a Jack-in -the Box one Thanksgiving because he was too loaded to drive to our Grandparent's house.
This is the man who once told me that the birth of the Twin and I ruined his life.
The last time he's had a job was about the same time that the Beatles broke up.
When his second ex-wife had a heart attack, he was too drunk to take her to the hospital. He never even visited her. After her bypass , she divorced his ass and threw him out of her house.
One of the last things my Mom told me was, "I will never forgive your father ". She told me why.
I'm the only living person who knows what she meant. It's staying that way.
So he calls me . Sad. He has no friends-not a single one. That's his fault, not mine. Sad.
He's so pathetic that I can't lash into him in the way I should. Instead ,I hang up on him and call my Granny. She's very upset, but her Pastor and Big Mike ( a family pal / local cop) are already looking into what treatment is available.
Aside: Big Mike is a very cool cop. When I was on Federal probation, I needed a contact person in order to visit my Granny. I didn't want my GM to know I'd been busted, so Mike agreed to vouch for me.
So I turn on the TV, and a journalist is giving a Peter Jennings tribute. When he was her boss, he gave her lots of time off to attend to consecutive pregnancies. She said that he told her that ,"making things right with your children is the most important thing you can do".
My Mom knew that. (She also died of lung cancer). She did everything she could to make it better. I can't write about her without crying.
I wish I could forgive my Dad, but I don't think I can. It's up to him to help himself.
3 comments:
Sucks when it's a parent. My husband stopped speaking with his Mom right after our second son was born (Jan 2001). Whole lotta shit there, too much to get into. The main thing is that my husband realized that his Mom just didn't really give a rat's arse about him. That is really hard to come to terms with. He lost contact with his 3 siblings because of the lies she told them around the issues. He saw her once during that time period when she was on her deathbed with cancer, and he said she still hadn't changed. My husband does not mourn the loss of his 2 sisters - let's just say they're just like his Mom - but thought his big bro would be different. Last month, we saw his big brother for the first time in 4 years. All was sociable enough, so are most strangers, and therein lies the problem. I was struggling with the whole "forgiveness" thing. I'm real funny on certain things like family and loyalty, so forgiveness for stuff against that is real hard for me. But then I realized it didn't really matter in the end. If I'm at peace with how things are, if all has been said, and there can be no true union of spirit, forgiveness may not mean dick. Don't know. I think you just have to be thankful for the family and friends who truly are your family - like your GM - and nurture those relationships. As my husband always says to those that say blood is the most important bind, you are saying you don't really love your spouse that much? Blood is nothing, actions is everything.
It's hard. I feel like I've let my Granma down by not trying to save my Dad.
But I can't. I've got my own problems. I don't want her to know how damned hard it can be just to make it through each day. She would just worry.
I don't say this as much as I should: Thank you for writing.
I tell my son he has a "good heart" and when he does something that isn't kind or whatever, as 6 years old sometimes will, I tell him those things show an "ugly heart" and then we discuss how to show the "good heart" again. I think that is what differentiates people, from the subtle to the obvious in action. I've chosen to have people around me whom I believe have good hearts. I'm an atheist, so I don't define goodness through the bible, just my own ideology of caring for others truly, meaning it can put you out to be caring and you still do it - it's not a facade, and loyalty. One of my realizations of people is not a lot of people feel this way about the people they love and supposedly care for. Yes, they say it, but they don't really do it. They mostly think of themselves. I'm trying to make clear one of my views of people in order to say to you that your desire to take care of your father for your GM's sake, is not your job, but that feeling shows your heart. The need to shield her as well. I used to have a real hard time asking my friends for any help. I did not wish to burden anyone. But then I learned that asking them for help when I really needed it was something that strengthened the relationship. They know it's not easy for me to do, and they know that I always help, so to not ask for support was almost not fully giving of myself. Does that make sense? I do not know fully what kind of relationship you have with your GM, but perhaps sharing more of yourself with her may strengthen the relationship you already have.
I'm glad you enjoy my ramblings. I was thinking back to the time I had recently started my own blog and was clicking next to flip through other blogs and ran across yours. It was the driving adventure entry if you remember - omg you had me laughing hard. You are truly a unique spirit and I am happy that our paths crossed.
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