Why am I Here?

More BS from HR today.
Maybe I'll get my insurance 01/30/06. Or sooner. Or later.
Maybe I won't get it at all. My Outlook is full of bullshit email again today.
Who knows?
If I do get it, it'll be 25% more expensive and cover a lot less- what fucking good is a $40 co-pay on meds that cost $38 anyway? Thanks.

Meanwhile, they've asked me to go to the Roanoke, VA office ( west bumfuck) for as long as a week so I can sort out their freekin' data entry system. It's a five -hour drive each way- oh boy,
oh boy, I can hardly wait.
A week of days spent training temps on data entry technique, with my evenings free to experience the best night-life a small Virginia mountain town has to offer,as long as it doesn't involve spending money.
Yay.
I know a girl who used to live in Roanoke- she said there wasn't much to do except get drunk and play with guns in the woods. She moved away as soon as possible and never goes back. Ever.

I've done a lot of business travelling before, but it's usually someplace that doesn't suck; San Diego*, Chicago, Baltimore and New York are all places that I like visiting- even Charlotte NC, Philly and Pittsburgh seem like earthly paradises compared to Roanoke.
(*Mexico + expense account = lost weekend! I'm pretty sure it was fun...)

I know people in almost every place in America- except Roanoke. I know no one there.

Yeah, a week alone in a small-town motel room -they don't even have a laptop I can take- nothing to do but watch motel TV and read. I suppose I could troll for Roanoke 'babes', but the whole motel stranger sleazee-fuckee thing seems positively grim and unappealing when viewed from my new perspective of sobriety. To tell the truth, that sort of cheapie thing never really did much for me anyway-I guess I'm kinda old-fashioned in that respect. As a result, I'm sure I'll die alone and unmourned, but at least the cause of death won't be embarassment or sexual shame.
(nevermind- i've since learned I'm to share a room w/my boss. Are they nuts?)
It's a moot point now- since I said I couldn't go.

Why can't I go? , I was asked.

Because I need to stay here in Fallentown and look for a new job.

Are you quitting?

Only if I find a new job or get a few steady free-lance gigs. Or stop coming to work.

Oh.

I am really surprised I haven't been fired yet. I'm sure my employee record looks like crap by now- yesterday I called in absent without even giving a reason. My production numbers have been for shit since they lapsed our Medical and I spend most of my time reading NFL.com. Countdown to unemployment, I call it...( prudently,I did call the temp agency- Temp Girl has plenty o' work if I need it)
CYA , you betcha.

Maybe I should be concerned, but I'm really not. It's taken a while for me to understand something very basic, something I'm still wrestling with:

-Without booze "calling the shots", I can do almost anything- and do it pretty darn well, if I say so- and I do say so. Why I should waste my talent doing data entry in Roanoke VA is beyond me. That shit was great for the hung-over wretch that I was, but I'm not that person anymore.
Did I really hate myself that much?
I don't know. Maybe I did, but I don't feel like that now, so there's little point in dwelling on the past... I do know that I need more out of life, I really do; and I don't feel like it's too much to ask for. I feel that I have a lot to offer , so it's reasonable to expect something good in return, isn't it? Isn't it?

And yes- I do have a real business plan . It does not involve raising hagfish.