Hello.
My name is Pissy and I am a chimpanzee. I'm sitting in a room with 999,999 other chimpanzees. It's really loud. We've been here a long time . It seems like a million years.
I'm glad we've got all these typewriters to play with.
I know that you probably expect one of us to eventually recreate the works of Shakespeare - you know , according to the Infinite Monkey Theorem. Surely you've heard of it.
That theorem is bullshit and any half-witted chimp can explain why.
First- I am not a monkey. I am an ape - a Great Ape -just like you. For our excercise this point is moot; I mention it here as a matter of personal indignation. I curse Wikipedia for posting a photograph of a chimp and referring to it as a "monkey", but hey- that's what happens when you let the apes loose on the typewriters.
Second- you get other things when you let the apes loose on the keys. Mostly you get a lot of seriously fucked-up typewriters. We jump them, thrash them, bash 'em, eat, sleep and shit on them- we even fuck on them, alone and in groups. Sounds familar, eh?
We break things.
I don't care if you do have an infinite number of typewriters- we will find an even more infinite number of ways to ruin them.
As I said, we are a lot alike, you and I.
Oh yeah. Right.
Go ahead.
Say it.
"Pissy, there's no such thing as a more infinite number."
So what? You're gonna argue about it with a chimp?
That makes you the dumb one in my randomly typed book.
Anyway, back to the problems with our manuscripts-
Not only will those infinite apes not produce the works of the Bard, they will also not produce a single chimp who is proficient in the art of typewriter repair.
So- even if my comrades would just settle the hell down and type, they'd destroy the damn machines before they got through the first ream of onionskin.
Which leads us to-
Third- where's all the infinite paper coming from? You bastards have cut down all the trees where I'm from- the last time I got a postcard from home it had a picture of a goddamn slurry pit on it, fer chrissakes.
If you idiots hadn't mulched my damn jungle I'd be home right now instead of typing this.
I'm quite bitter about it, really.
If you were here I'd hurl my feces at you. (You as a species)
It's only fair- you guys are diiirrrtttyyy.
But I don't blame you personally, so let's all just get along, OK?
Thanks for allowing me to introduce myself and vent a little. I look forward to further discussion at some random, inevitable date.
Yours Truly,
Pissy the Chimp
p.s. "The air pollution is-a fucking up my eyes" - that's what he says in the song, ya know- not 'fogging' as claimed. (Clever bloke, for an ape)
5 comments:
No Charlie - it is Lance Link, Chimp Detective.
Allan - I am constantly appalled at the way many humans treat animals.
'they're only animals' is the excuse I get when confronting them.
I would like to see vivisectionists and cosmetic testers try their tawdry act on giant gorillas.
I hope there really is a Purgatory all those people will end up in - being pecked to piece by canaries and scratched by drowned kittens and bitten by laboratory rabbits and rats.
Those disgusting Indonesians and their destruction of the sumatran jungle habitat of orangutans, deserve some special muslim purgatory - the one without '72 virgins'.
(*going to the medication now*)
Thanks for your -
Allan said...
Tom Cruise had a baby?
22.4.06 over at Brownie's (my evil twin) blog.
Well allan, he did if you believe the news media.
He had 10 years of thumping Not 'Our Nic' without success, yet, voila, it must have been Paris that helped him inseminate a young unmarried Catholic girl.
I bet her Dad is going nuts.
It is such a fine example to set to all those teenagers in poor postcodes reading That's Life while they watch Family Feud.
Tom earns more than Welfare pays our supporting teenage mothers - maybe he should be asked to take over the burden.
Crystal, ,do you know how they got the chimps used Lance Link to perform? They used cattle prods.
Bloody awful scene behind that show.
"Well allan, he did if you believe the news media."
I don't.
Given an infinite amount of time for the chimps, I think they may evolve into creatures that will be quite adept at using broken typewriter parts as tools. That would be cool.
LibertyBob
infinity can mess with one's mind, but i believe the theorem holds water.
there was an interesting test performed, via computer, not chimps, by entering all the words of one of shakespeare's plays and then having a computer randomly put them together. It spit out hamlet in like 3 days. The point of the experiment was to show the intelligent design folks that if you are given the building blocks, u can create masterpieces through randomness.
The infinite paper thing. We went down to san diego for 3 days while we were down in CA and at the SD zoo I read a really sad factoid at one of the exhibits. The US alone destroys 500,000 trees from this planet with its consumption of just Sunday newspapers - let alone the other days of the week. Is that not horrific or what?
Pissy replies:
You folks have it all backwards- haven't you studied the works of Dr. Zaius?
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