Thursday, June 12, 2008

True Enough

The first bar I worked at had small bathrooms and each restroom was in two parts- a square closet -sized antechamber with sink, towel dispenser and a chalkboard for the customers to write on and a door leading to a slightly larger room for the actual toilet. There was no urinal in the men's room so the sink got used far too often...one of the happiest days of my young life was the day I got promoted from dishwasher to cook, as it meant I no longer had to clean the bathrooms.

The graffiti in the ladies room often mentioned one of our regulars, a good-lucking yuppie scum by the name of Jeff. Jeff was, by all the chalked accounts, a "real monster"...one night there was a remarkably well-drawn penis cartoon in there with the caption : Jeff in Life Size.

The weird thing was, Jeff really did do well with women. At last call, he was never alone. I usually was, though. After closing the kitchen, I'd hang out with the bartender, manager and waitress after hours, doing coke, talking and drinking the owner's liquor. Sometime the owner showed up and joined us. It was 1985 and life was different then. Drugs were still fun, for one thing.

One night, we were talking about the "Jeff graffiti" and I asked our waitress Michelle if she'd do me a favor. Would she write "the cook has a foot-long" in the women's room? It would be better if it was a woman's handwriting, I reasoned.

"Allan", said the much-older Michelle," you should never lie about that."

"Why?"

"If someone calls your bluff they will laugh at you and you will look like a jerk."

"Well, how do you know it isn't true?", I replied.

I was 20, drunk and coked to the nines. I wasn't very bright and was prone to saying profoundly stupid things.

"Is it ?", asked Michelle. "Let's see. We're all friends here, whip it out."

"Uh", I blanched, "never mind."

Michelle laughed and called me a jerk.

9 comments:

Donn said...

Awesome storytelling...retro cogito...I was there man!

You should get the prosthetic wanger that Marky Mark used in Boogie Nights..
then call up Michelle set up a meet and retell the incident..

then whip it, whip it good.

whimsical brainpan said...

LMAO! I think it is so funny how much you guys are hung up on how you are hung.

yellowdog granny said...

ahh, men....you guys are so silly...
one of my favorite expressions when some guy would brag about himself was 'that's not what's written in the woman's bathroom'..which would generally shut them up...one guy was so paranoid about it, kept asking me what was written and who wrote it and i would just laugh and shrug my shoulders..he actually had a girl go into the bath room to find out what was written and to come tell him. when she came back and said there wasn't anything written about him, he said 'that bitch'...made my day..

yellowdog granny said...

ahh, men....you guys are so silly...
one of my favorite expressions when some guy would brag about himself was 'that's not what's written in the woman's bathroom'..which would generally shut them up...one guy was so paranoid about it, kept asking me what was written and who wrote it and i would just laugh and shrug my shoulders..he actually had a girl go into the bath room to find out what was written and to come tell him. when she came back and said there wasn't anything written about him, he said 'that bitch'...made my day..

Allan said...

Donn- There is definitely a whipping in my future. I'm looking forward to it, actually. The past, not so much.

Whim- I must point out, with bruised indignation, that the most egregious penile graffiti was always in the ladies room. If I didn't know better, I'd swear that women think about sex every seven seconds*!

*A recent survey indicates that it's more frequent than that.

Allan said...

JS- As a former galley slave and pharamceutical distributor, I saw a lot of ladies rooms. The fairer sex has dirtier walls, hand down.

billy pilgrim said...

you've got me thinking about old milton berle.

just take out enough to win.

citizen of the world said...

You see, this is the exact sort of thing that makes the video I posted today so funny to women.

NYD said...

I could read your stuff for hours, but I won't.
My cats are yowling for their dinner and if I neglect them they will definitely write some nastiness on the bathroom wall.
I will just have to come back again to see what else is here.

Well done!