Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Tubes and Holes

" Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. "
-Arthur C. Clarke

"The Internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes."
-Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens

With that , Stevens unwittingly proved Clarke to be correct.


I would offer this:

Any sufficiently degraded tube is indistinguishable from a Voodoo curse.

The first in my series of accursed tubes are somewhere near my automobile's engine. At times, bitter white smoke puffs out from under my hood-a quick diagnosis with a flashlight and screwdriver led me to conclude that some tube-like device has a tiny leak and is spraying coolant on my heated engine, causing it to smoke and unfortunately, the leak is "down in there" somewhere where I can't easily get to it. My Twin suggested that I try adding a tube of goop and seeing if that seals it- I tried it this evening and no smoke yet, but it's an intermittent problem, so I'm not convinced that it's fixed. Still, I made it home without any hood smoke.

Saturday morning, I was rinsing last night's dishes when the sink tubes stopped draining entirely. I went to the station, did my show and came back several hours later- the water was still there, a few bits of cilantro floating motionless at the surface. I took the dishes out and set to work.

After thirty futile minutes of plunger-based aerobics, I decided to take the tubes underneath the sink apart, but the pipes weren't clogged, just full of foul water, so I guessed that the blockage must be deeper in the line.

After draining the bilge-water from the tubes, I re-assembled the fittings- somehow managing to draw blood on both hands- and poured a liter of De-Clog Goo down the drain. The next day, it drained very, very slowly. Better than nothing.

Yesterday I repeated the process and this morning it drained quickly without a fuss.

Today I was pumping gas when I noticed that there was a gasoline puddle forming under my car as I poured. There is a leak in my fuel input tube and a small portion of my hard-earned gas was leaking onto the ground. As I was squatting, looking at the fuel drip from underneath my car, a helpful stranger noted," it looks like you have a gas leak".
Thanks, buddy. Got a match?

My next radio show falls on Valentine's Day. I'm going to have a contest: "Win A Date With A DJ." The first female caller wins coffee with me. The runner-up wins dinner.


Anonymous said...


(And that is my favorite internt quote ever.)

yellowdog granny said...

first you need to invest in a snake..two you need to cultivate a friend who is a shade tree mechanic..or I can send vincent down to you...hope all your tubes get blown...er...you know i meant that in the nicest way possible..

Enemy of the Republic said...

Yellowdog Granny--YOU ROCK!

And so do you, Allan--a series on this. I love it.

whimsical brainpan said...

Sorry about the pipes and the car. I hope there are many contest winners this weekend!