The Rules

My new Swedish pal is right. Those Google ads are annoying as shit. But Sweden enjoys a better per-capita standard of living than the USA , so I need that extra $1.08 a week. That doesn't stop me from hating the ads though.
I mean, check out the rules I'm to follow for the privilege of earning that $1.08:


THE RULES


Site may not include:

Excessive profanity
I'm fucked by the very first rule.

Violence, racial intolerance, or advocate against any individual, group, or organization
But I usually change their names!

Hacking/cracking content
I guess this includes hacking up bong-flavored lung-raisins and cracking wise about it.

Illicit drugs and drug paraphernalia
See above, goddamn it all to flaming pits of happy fucking Hellfire! (also see above).

Pornography, adult, or mature content
There's absolutely nothing mature about this site.

Gambling or casino-related content
Did I mention that I won a lot of money betting on football this year? Send me some PayPal love and I'll tell you how YOU TOO can make big illegal money! Ooops.

Any other content that promotes illegal activity or infringes on the legal rights of others
Better yet, just drop by for a visit. We'll get really high and talk about your new gambling career. I promise not to chain you to the radiator.

Excessive advertising
Without excess, there would be no consumerism. Without consumerism , there'd be no advertising. You know, for a bunch of brainy computer types, you guys sure have some dumbass rules.

Pop-ups, pop-unders or exit windows that interfere with site navigation, obscure Google ads, change user preferences, or are for downloads. Other types of pop-ups, pop-unders, or exit windows may be allowed, provided that they do not exceed a combined total of 5 per user session
I can't tell a pop-up from a Pop-Tart. However, that Trojan Dialer you just unwittingly downloaded could really fuck up your phone bill.

Excessive, repetitive, or irrelevant keywords in the content or code of web pages
Fuck you and your excessive fucking use of the fucking word 'excessive'. Turnips.

Deceptive or manipulative content or construction to improve your site's search engine ranking, e.g., your site's PageRank
Every time you visit this site, I will send you a dollar.

Incentives (monetary or point-based) to users to click on links or ads while visiting a site containing Ads
Did I say 'dollar'? I meant to say 'nothing'.

Sales or promotion of certain weapons, such as firearms, ammunition, balisongs, butterfly knives, and brass knuckles
I'm impressed that you realize there's a difference between balisongs and butterfly knives. I won't promote them, however, as my experience shows that the jagged edge of a broken liquor bottle is just as, if not more effective in close-quarters melee.

Sales or promotion of beer or hard alcohol
What? I quit drinking so the rest of you could have more beer and tequila, and this is the thanks I get? I encourage you to drink wine instead. Get the really cheap shit, check the alcohol/volume percentage (12-20% is best)-the point is to get loaded, not to be sophisticated. Junior readers take note: for a fee, I'll send you the address of the nearest bar that serves minors.

Sales or promotion of tobacco or tobacco-related products
Does this include the Iron Lung I'm selling on eBay?

Sales or promotion of prescription drugs
That reminds me-I need to get my Xanax refilled. My panic attacks have gotten too intense lately. Got Panic? Get Xanax!


What Happens When You Fuck Up?
You can fuck up by posting and reposting stuff like this .

Well, you may be temporarily banned from posting. Or be required to use a 'secret word'-like in comments- just to post on your own site.

If you are really pissed and complain you'll get an email like this:

"... please be aware that we currently do not run paid Google ads on
web pages that are determined to contain potentially sensitive, negative,
or non-family safe content by our automatic contextual advertising system.
This can also include content that is potentially mature or adult in
nature...

Because our system automatically classifies web pages based on the type of
content, you may sometimes see that the ads appearing on your pages are
PSAs. However, as your page content changes, we may be able to display
more targeted ads. Thank you for your understanding."



You know, after 39 years and assorted legal troubles, you'd think I'd grow up a little and learn to have a little respect for rules and authority.

Hmmm...

I think I'll switch to porno ads instead.