Won't You Try Saturday Afternoon?

Hot Diggity! I'm where I belong: on the air. My show has been moved from early Sunday morning to Saturday afternoon at 1PM. I've been doing Sundays for over a year-and-a-half and it's been fun, but I much prefer Saturday. I had a great many supportive and enthusiastic callers today as well as getting to see some of my favorite radio folks in person. The station is fairly busy in the afternoon; I'm unaccustomed to seeing many people at dawn on Sundays.On the downside, I'll have to do my show fully clothed from now on.

On the upside: I don't have to wake up at 6 AM tomorrow.

I'm gonna go out and stay up late! Rawk!

(Actually, I'll probably wind up watching Battlestar or playing Civ IV. In real life, I'm a dork- I only play a hipster on the radio.)

The New Breakfast Snob: May 11, 2008:

Marianne Faithfull- What's The Hurry?
I was pissed off that I was rejected for a recent night-time radio spot. Now I see the folly of my frustration. A little patience and *poof* - the perfect spot is now mine!
Why hurry? Why worry?

Stranglers- Nice and Sleazy
Goddamn. This song has one of my all-time favorite bass tones. It's got sac.

Alvin Lee- Education
Right before this song, I aired a Public Service spot featuring Donny Osmond, my ninth-favorite Mormon...Donny is correct when he tells us that musical education is extremely healthy for a child's mind and spirit...
Man, I'm in such a good mood that I'm singing the praises of Donny fucking Osmond!
Alvin Lee rocks...he's the "I'd love to change the world, but there's nothing I can do" guy...still jammin' today; Ten Years After and all that...

Breeders- Bang On
It took six years to record this? This is only two minute long- and a minimalistic 120 seconds at that. No matter. I love a short burst of Rock Chicks.

Jefferson Airplane- Won't You Try Saturday Afternoon?
"I will give you capsules of blue and yellow sunlight"
What does that lyric mean? I dunno, but I do know that this record sounds great on LSD .
Don't do drugs.

Sleater- Kinney- Banned From the End of the World
Another short burst of Rock Chicks. Great band, the Twin gave me this CD, turned me onto them.

Faces- Ooh La La
Granpa gets the lowdown on the Rock Chick scene. The Faces were amazing...better than that other band, IMO.

Pretty Things - Office Love
I met my last 'real' GF at work. She still owes me $500 in bail money from the night before we broke up.

Sugarcubes- Top Of The World
Say what you will about Bjork- but who can resist her when she sings the Carpenters? Not me, that's for sure. Now where is my Superstar bootleg? It's the Karen Carpenter story...the parts are played by Barbie and Ken dolls. It's quite powerful, really. Not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.

Jamie Lidell- Out of My System
This is brand-new; nice soul a la Otis Redding. The good R&B.

Bob Dylan- Jokerman
Bob loves my show. He called to tell me. Different Bob.

Capt. Beefheart- Nowadays A Woman's Gotta Hit A Man
Men, you been lookin' all around for the women
But they always been right there
Nowadays a woman has to haul off and hit a man
T' make him know she's there
Other night a woman came up 'n hit me
Like I wasn't even there

Mike Watt- Against The 70's
The kids of today should defend themselves against the Seventies
Good advice from former Minuteman (the band, not the militia) Mike Watt.

Neil Young- Let's Impeach The President
Excellent advice from old Mr. Young.

Bruce Cockburn- If I Had A Rocket Launcher
See the song directly preceding this one? Nuff' said.

Soft Boys- The Asking Tree
I don't know much but I sure can tell
Your porky soul is gonna fry in hell
The grease will spit
and the fat will roll
like a hamburger
that's all your soul is worth: processed beef clippings
Tear the skin right off of me
and hang it on the Asking Tree

PJ Harvey- Working For The Man
I met my real-life friend Schlep via Blogger. He recently posted about both Bjork and P.J. Harvey...I already played my Bjork du jour, here's Polly J. I hope you have a good sub-woofer.

The Buzzcocks- Why Can't I Touch It?
Why indeed? Just grab the damn thing already. See?
Now how hard was that? Sheesh...

Firewater- Mr. Cardiac
I played a Public Service Announcement about preventing heart attacks...now this song.
It doesn't take much to make me happy.

Cardiacs- There's Good Cud
Schlep turned me onto this indescribable band.

Leo Kottke & Mike Gordon- Sweet Emotion
This version of the Aerosmith chestnut is my new all-time favorite cover song. Oh my, it's sweeeee

Gong- Raindrop Tablas
21 seconds of tablas, just long enough to cue up the next song.

Damien Dempsey- Negative Vibes
You should check out Damien Dempsey.
"I'm never going to let your negative vibes and comments get through to my psyche"
Like an Irish Bob Marley, Damo is.

Bad Religion- Sorrow No More
Sorrow Floats. Name that book.

Steeleye Span- All Around My Hat
Hooray for Hat!

Klark Kent- Excess
This song is about getting wasted and embarrassing oneself.
My excesses have gotten the best of me/I'm ready to go home
I don't need drugs or alcohol in order to embarrass myself.
I'm a man. That's enough.

A Cautionary Toy

My formative years were fraught with disappointment, stupidity, guilt, brutality and Sea Monkeys.
I'm not kidding. I can't even look at this ad without feeling like I'm dredging up a mucky mnemonic boot brimming with bitterness and remorse.


I put a lot of work into getting ripped off on the monkey scam. A lot of planets had to align just so to allow me to order the monkeys - as children we rarely stayed in one place for the requisite 6-8 weeks required for postal delivery; having a fixed mailing address meant that things at home were relatively stable- which was unusual, to say the least.
To my dad's credit, he was around during this episode.
He gave me a dollar and tried to warn me about the Sea Monkeys, but I wouldn't listen.

"Are you sure that this is what you want to buy? You only have one dollar to spend. That's a lot of money. "

He knew the Sea Monkeys were a scam. It was one of the very few things he and mom agreed on. She echoed dad's words.

"Are you sure? You'll have to take care of them.They might not be what you think."

"Of course I'm sure I want the Sea Monkeys! I'm five fucking years old! I'll believe anything if I think it'll provide even a passing diversion from the despair that your divorce is causing me."

Well, I didn't exactly say that. More likely I just pouted. But I did get permission to send away for the Monkeys.

*SPOILER WARNING*

I think most of us know the truth behind Sea Monkeys by now. They are Artemia Salina , i.e., brine shrimp. They don't look anything like the cavorting pink cuties in the advert.
This is what they look like. For scale, imagine the object below is roughly the same size as a deodorant stick:


If I had any common sense I'd have known that the fanciful critters in the comic ad were bullshit, but hey, I was five.

The Sea Monkeys were not as advertised, but they were worth the dollar for the lessons I learned from them:

1) Always read the fine print.
2) Be careful what you wish for.
3) A fool and his money are soon parted.

All standard rite of passage stuff, not exactly good times, but valuable life lessons nonetheless. Surely there can't be any long-term emotional damage resulting from the Sea Monkeys, could there? Everybody goes through a Sea Monkey moment- get over it, eh?

Ah, should that it be so easy. See, those little shrimp did hatch. Inside 24 hours I had a goldfish bowl brimming with tiny aquatic roaches. They weren't much to look at and they didn't do squat by way of tricks.
My mother's aquarium was much more fun to watch. There was a little pink castle in the aquarium , just like the one in the advertisement above. Coincidently, my mom loved angelfish, one of which also appears in the comic clipping.

My mom had already nixed my idea to raise my monkeys in her aquarium. She didn't tell me why- she just said "it wouldn't be good for them." I didn't know what she meant but I obeyed her. The monkeys stayed in the fishbowl. As pets go, they were a crashing bore.

It wasn't long before I had a plan. I thought my monkeys might benefit from some company. Perhaps a new playmate might inspire them to get bigger and more interesting...I stood on a chair and used mom's little green net to scoop an angelfish out of the aquarium and drop it --ploop!--into my tiny Sea Monkey world. Such friends they'd be!

I waited breathlessly for the monkeys to cheerfully greet their bowl-mate. They didn't do that.

I didn't expect what happened next, but it did cure my boredom.

If you drop an angelfish into a bowl of Sea Monkeys , the fish will eat until all the monkeys are gone or the fish dies, whichever occurs first. In this case, it was both. The poor angelfish, which was as bloated as it's puffer cousin, wasn't swimming correctly. It wasn't swimming at all.

Oh shit. I'd better put it back in the aquarium and hope mom doesn't notice.

She noticed.

"Did you put those little fuckers in my tank?", she asked.

"No."

"Then why is my fish leaking Sea Monkeys?"

I had become a killer.

-----------------------------------------------

NEXT: Yogurt and cultured genocide.

Weekend Report

Saturday morning I was listening to the radio and I heard my DJ pals play a couple cuts from this album-Harper and Jugula- a 1985 collaboration between Roy Harper and Jimmy Page.

It made my bulb glow.

Seriously, as soon as I heard that, I had this brilliant flash- bright, but not blinding, if you know what I mean. I must have that album.

I called the station and spoke with my DJ pal Gene.

"Gene", I asked, " do you have that album?"

He said it came in with a batch of old records he was sorting through at work.

Gene has the second-worst job on the planet. The poor guy runs a business that sells records on-line. I think he has six million albums. Anyway, about the only thing worse than selling records is playing them; and Gene, on top of all that , is also a DJ- which is the worst job on the planet. The poor man just can't seem to catch a break.

It about broke my heart listening to all the great music he was forced to handle, so I thought maybe I'd see if I couldn't ease his burden a bit.

"Why don't you give me that record?", I offered. "That way you wouldn't have to own it anymore."

"Well...uh, er..." Oh. I see. Gene is one of those businessmen who thinks his company should actually make money. Capitalist!

"OK. How much are you asking for it?"

"...I bought it for myself. I'm not selling it. I've never seen it before either."

"Gene, stop toying with me. How much?"

"Not for sale."

Begging isn't pretty but it works.

I have the LP for one week. I played it this morning, in fact.

Here's the rest of what I played this morning:

Joe Jackson- Sunday Papers
I used to listen to this on a shoebox-sized cassette Walkman while I delivered the Sunday papers in Columbia , Md. Now I'm playing it on-air. Yeah!

P.J. Harvey- Send His Love to Me
The sound of a woman yearning turns me on. This is some seriously yearning music.

Steve Hillage- Palm Trees (Love Guitar)
He's a dippy hippie but he's no fool when it come to guitar FX- that's analog delay, not digital. Analog sounds better and Steve knows it.

Roy Harper & Jimmy Page- Elizabeth
When this winter is over Elizabeth
I will come for you
Bearing songs on the wings
Of great happiness
-Roy Harper


Loreena McKennitt- Mystic's Dream
The first time I heard McKennitt sing I was done for. This is beautiful, eyes-closed listening music.

Golden Palominos- Pure
This would be a great song to make out to. At least I think it would.

The Beatles- Don't Let Me Down
Beatles.OK? OK?

Claanad- The Hunter
I play this band a lot. It's because I like them.

Quiet Sun- Mummy was an Asteroid, Daddy was a small non-stick kitchen utensil
I've already blogged about this record, but ya gotta love the title to this instrumental.

Led Zeppelin- Down by the Seaside
I could do a whole show just playing all four sides of Physical Graffiti and talking about how great it sounds. I'm not kidding.



Be-Bop Deluxe- Ships in the Night
Would someone please give Bill Nelson some props? The dude helped invent New Wave. It didn't suck when he played it either.

The Stranglers- Ships That Pass in the Night
Gutter-punk with naked mohawk chicks or elegant New Wave ballads with classical finesse? Depends on which album you're listening to.

Pretty Things- Come See Me
"Baby, I'm your man...I'm your man-n-n-n-"

Nina Hagen- Wir Leben Immer Noch (Lucky Number)
I really like Nina Hagen. You either do or you don't and I do.

Pere Ubu- Worlds In Collision
One of my favorite bands. I met Dave Thomas when he visited the station. I said "hello". He said "what's up?"

Brice Woodall- Control Freak
Richmonder who moved to Chicago. I love the way this disc sounds. Dude has a voice and an ear and both are awesome.

Damien Dempsey- Celtic Tiger
Another random internet love-at-first-listen; now a regular on the show. Great songwriter, fookin' brilliant, really.

Mike Watt- Against The 70's
Ex-Minutemen bassist sings a song warning kids not to buy into baby-boomer sentimentality for the 1970'S

Jethro Tull- We Used To Know
Jefferson Starship - Devil's Den
Lou Reed- Vicious
Three baby-boomer songs from the 1970's, played for sentimental reasons.

Paw- Seasoned Glove
This song is sung from the POV of a little boy whose drunken father never comes home at night. I know, kiddo, I know...

Crack The Sky- Lighten Up McGraw
If this guitar riff doesn't kick your ass you don't deserve ears.

The Kinks- Top of the Pops
The music industry has always been full of shit but the Kinks were the first band to do entire albums about it . I love the Kinks.

Robert Anbian and the UFQ- Haikus for the White House
Example:
Haiku Condi
No one so smart
She can't be stupid
Black or white

This disc is brand-new on Edgetone Records. Go buy it.



.....


In this photo (by DJ Charles Williams) the text reads: "Independent Radio Just Got Stronger", but it sort of looks like it says "stranger", not "stronger".

I'm cool with that.

********

Here's the station blog from my turn at the weekly1980's show:

Back in the early 1980's one of my high school teachers brought up the idea that an infinite number of chimpanzees equipped with an infinite number of typewriters would eventually re-create an existing literary classic, such as Shakespeare's Hamlet.

I didn't know what sort of point he was trying to make- it seemed obvious to me that the result would be an infinite number of broken typewriters and the decimation of the rainforests from the production of all those infinite reams of typing paper.

Perhaps, I added without being asked, the Reagan Administration feels that if it provides an infinite number of weapons to an infinite number of chimps, then eventually one of them would write the Peace part of Tolstoy's War and Peace.

Well, I got kicked outta class and spent the afternoon in the woods listening to The Clash's Sandinista! on my boom-box and wondering what the future would be like.
I had no idea how much it would resemble the past.
I'm even listening to the same music.

Oingo Boingo -Wake Up !(It's 1984)
XTC- Wake Up!
Stranglers- Let Me Introduce You to the Family
Listen to that guitar...that's insane...truly whacked.

Keith Levene- Cops Too
The Proclaimers- 500 miles ?
Bernie Krause- Jungle Shoes
The Clash- Police on my Back
This song takes me back...some good, some bad.

Dave Stewart/Barbara Gaskin- Henry and James
Troublefunk- All Over the World
Snakefinger- The Golden King
Snakefinger is one of my all-time guitar heroes. After his only Richmond show, I got high and hung out with him and his band for hours...they were genuinely nice people who couldn't believe that this skinny little kid knew all their songs- I got them to autograph my albums and gave Snake a giant bud for the road. A month later Snakefinger died. I haven't gotten over it yet.

Ozzy- Mister Crowley
Kate Bush-Running up that Hill ( A Deal With God)
Devo- Jerkin' Back and Forth

The only thing that's more fun than playing Ozzy back-to-back with Kate Bush is using Devo to illustrate the irony. Honestly, life really doesn't get much better than this.


Neil Young- No More
It's Neil Young. It's about addiction and the guitar sounds amazing. Mmmmm...

Husker Du- Never Talking to You Again
Dream Syndicate- Until Lately
Grace Jones- Everybody Hold Still
The Damned- Grimly Fiendish
Dukes of Stratosphere- Have You Seen Jackie?
Lou Reed- The Blue Mask
This song is twisted, like totally fucking bent. But it doesn't have any cuss words, so I can play it. Twin feedback guitars, panned hard left and right. It's why Godzilla gave stereo two channels.

Peter Tosh- Bumbo Klaat
You can't even say "Bumbo Klaat" in Jamaica without getting murdered and/or arrested. Seriously. Peter Tosh was a bad-ass motherfucking guitarist, but he wasn't bullet-proof.

The English Beat- Spar Wid Me
King Sunny Ade- Synchro Reprise
Magazine- About the Weather
Played from a 12" 45 rpm record. What an artifact! Nothing sounds better than 12" 45's. Seriously. (78's don't count)

Elvis Costello- Less Than Zero
X- White Girl
Tupelo Chain Sex- The Revolution Will Be Televised
Yello- Desire
My Bloody Valentine- Take My Breath Away
And how.

Uptight, Outta Sight

PUSHERMAN- C. MAYFIELD

I'm your mama
I'm your daddy
I'm that nigger in the alley
I'm your doctor
When in need
Want some coke
Have some weed
You know me
I'm your friend
Your main boy
Thick and thin

I'm your pusherman
I'm your pusherman

Ain't I clean
Bad machine
Super cool
Super mean
Dealin' good
For The Man
Superfly
Here I stand
Secret stash
. Heavy bread
. Baddest bitches in the bed

Here's a song that was on the radio quite a bit when I was a kid- but I can't play it today.
It's a classic song, great groove with an honest but negative message about the dealing life- when I was a kid, we were afraid of heroin because of Superfly - a fear that may have saved my life years later...but I can't play it because it contains
the words 'nigger' and 'bitches'.
I used to hear this song on the radio when I was a little kid- and I am pretty sure that my audience is largely 40-somethings who would get a kick outta hearing this cool old blast from the past- but it ain't gonna happen. I , by habit, do not use the ' n-word' but I'm not squeamish about it's use in an artistic or narrative sense- to make a point, create an image as in the song above.

I guess I could claim he says 'nigga', as if that's any different. Honestly, I doubt if playing this song in the PM would cause a problem, but why take chances?

---------------

We got hit with a huge and unforeseen mess at work, tomorrow looks to be a twelve hour shift; Friday the radio station is having our Second Anniversary Party, so I'll be busy there- if you live in the Richmond area, check it out -
four bands, food, drink , DJ's, dancing- last year we had nearly a thousand guests, this year should be bigger!
I also have two radio shows to prepare for this weekend- Songs From The Big Hair (the 1980's show) on Sat at 3 pm EST and my weekly show , The New Breakfast Snob on Sun , 7 am, so I may not blog much for awhile. Or I might.
Tune in and find out!
Or not.

Bastards! (At least it's not disco)

This is a scan of an album cover from my record collection. The album is King Crimson's USA , a live album that sounded a lot better when I first heard it on 8-track cassette- King Crimson is a great band but this just isn't a very good recording, even by 1975's standards. It sounds like it was recorded in a giant aquarium with the microphones placed underwater, singer/bassist John Wetton has a wonderful voice -but not on this album. He sounds like me at a 1985 keg party on this record-but it was 1975 , so it could have been worse.

It could have been disco.

1975 sure did have different standards- note that this is a DJ copy- it's hard to see on the pic but the two "suggested cuts for air play" chosen by Atlantic Records : 21st Century Schizoid Man and Easy Money , clock in at 7:32 and 6:32 respectively.




Man, I'm a DJ in real life and I get a chuckle out of that- a record label suggesting that we play a seven-minute song!- and what's funnier is that the second song contains the word "bastard" and has a three-minute avant-garde experimental instrumental improv jam toward the end.

Cool. Hard to listen to for some folks but at least it's not disco...

One of my shows is early Sunday mornings and I'm not sure if I'm even allowed to broadcast the word "bastard" in the morning .
Ever since Janet Jackson "shocked the world" by flashing a tittie on TV, it's been downhill at the FCC- that 'incident' , in my opinion, should have warranted maybe thirty seconds of airtime, maybe part of a 'bloopers' segment on the Leno show or something- certainly not a weeks-long media circus and a complete overhaul of inherently useless FCC regulations.

We, as an audience, have some fucked-up priorities.

It was just a flippin' tit and I never would have even known it happened if the media hadn't acted like a bunch of 7th graders about it. Football fans don't watch the half-time Superbowl show and they don't give a damn about the commercials. It wasn't until the next day that I even knew about the wardrobe malfunction - my response: " So what? And who is Justin Timberlake?"

In 1975 the Record Companies encouraged DJ's to play a song with "bastard" in it, in 2007 the FCC is vague but threatening when it comes to profanity- what's OK at night in some areas is not OK during the days in others...it's very arbitrary and ill-defined and by the time you find out what's unacceptable it's too late.

The obvious things like 'fuck' are no-no's but others are trickier- for instance , I am allowed to bitch about FCC regs in the evening hours but if I call my boss a bitch on the air, the FCC can slam my ass...I mean my butt. Unless it's after six ( five on the west coast) , in which case it's ass...I think.
It's nebulous, intimidating and confusing and you don't get a second chance.

You are presumed guilty and it's up to you to prove you aren't. This sort of brouhaha is great publicity for millionaire DJs like Howard Stern but it's a real pain-in-the-ass for us real-life radio DJ's.

(Can I say pain-in-the -ass?
I don't know- what time is it? If South Park is on , you can say 'pain-in-the -ass'...)


When in doubt, it's safest to play something else.

The word 'bastard' might inflict irreversible injury upon the innocent ears and souls of the Kleenex generation- so I won't play 'Easy Money', despite Atlantic Record's recommendation- from listening to the production on this album, I suspect that King Crimson and Atlantic were at contractual odds- artists have been known to sabotage their own works just to lash out at their corporate masters- ask Lou Reed or Captain Beefheart.

So much for playing 'Easy Money'.

Besides, it's six-and-a half minutes long...

I will play something with more appropriate content and length, such as 'Land' by Patti Smith.