Lone Star Romance

(If you click the pic, you'll be taken to a slide show featuring the entire comic)

This here is an unfinished rough draft of a comic that I wrote in the late nineties, art by Richard Menustik. I found it at the bottom of box of old books as I cleaned my apartment today.
I chopped it into a slide show for your amusement. I had forgotten this comic (but not the story)...
I suddenly feel like doing comics again. Too bad my drawings suck.

Note: It's much easier to read it if you hit "pause" and advance the slides manually.

Lost: Civilization

Prediction: Everything that has already happened will happen again.

Songs From The Big Hair (The 80's Show), Saturday, Nov. 10:

The Damned- Street of Dreams
I love the Damned. I'm not sure if they were setting trends or making fun of them (or both) but you gotta admit that Rat Scabies is a cool ' nom de rawk'.

Frank and Dweezil Zappa- Sharleena
This was recorded live in LA, 12/23/1984, and features a 15 year-old Dweezil Zappa playing live with his father for the first time ever. I saw Zappa around this time, but Dweez didn't play in Salt Lake. I don't think Frank wanted his son to be exposed to Mormons. On-stage in Utah, Frank went into a long, disparaging rap about the Moron Pumpernickel Choir,after which he suggested that we 'TAX THE CHURCHES'...it made the event staff visibly angry. I loved it. Frank was my favorite atheist.

X- Hot House
It was while I was living in Utah that I first saw X. I watched a stoic Billy Zoom standing nearly motionless, playing the best rock & roll guitar ever and smiling all the while...I didn't know it at the time, but Billy was an old man then- he was like 40 or 50...punk rock will keep you young! Unless it kills you.
After seeing X, I lost interest in the Grateful Dead.

Robyn Hitchcock- Tropical Flesh Mandala
My bestest buddy Ron turned me on to the Soft Boys way back in 1980...Ron has contributed to my musical education in many, many ways, all of them good. Thank you Ron!

Captain Beefheart - Tropical Hot Dog Night
I discovered the Captain via Frank Zappa. Those two egos couldn't collaborate for long, but they did play together...the Captain retired long ago and I never saw him in concert, but I have met several former members of The Magic Band. I even have Eric Drew Feldman's autograph!

Nirvana- About A Girl
On impulse, I held an impromptu radio contest. First caller to correctly state how much it cost to record 'Bleach' wins...something. I was happily surprised when the phone started lighting up right away-people are listening!
Answer: It cost $600. What a bargain! The winner, it turned out, is a friend of mine .Coincidently, I recorded his band's first CD back in 199? - for a lot less than $600.

XTC- Melt the Guns
This is, was and always will be a good idea.

Robert Fripp- Chicago
For the Twin, who was listening on his new PC at home in Chicago. I'm glad he got a chance to hear me.

Cardiacs- Everything is Easy
For Schlep, for turning me on to this great band. That is one of the many wonders of music- there is always more to discover. Always.
Nothing about these guys is easy. They defy everything- I love them for it.

Oingo Boingo- Wake Up! It's 1984!
Does anyone remember a movie called The Forbidden Zone? Many years ago, I used to make frequent alcoholic pilgrimages to Baltimore, where I would partake in strange rituals that involved marathon viewings of the Forbidden Zone- which shares initials with Frank Zappa. Woooo....

The Kinks- Give the People What They Want
The Davies brothers mock nearly every popular music trend of the 1980's and it takes under four minutes for them to do so. I especially love the way brother Dave pokes fun at the histrionic Poodle Metal guitar frettery that was so popular back then. Fave Dave quote: "It wasn't called Heavy Metal when I invented it." That would be an arrogant statement if not for the truth it carries.

Meat Puppets- I Can't Be Counted On At All
After I played this song I got an alarmed phone call from a friend of mine. I am supposed to feed his cats next week...sorry man, didn't mean to scare you! Those cats will be just as fat as the day you left, never fear!

Crack The Sky- Big Money
The CD this is from is called "From the Greenhouse". It's a concept album about today's headlines. It was written 20 years ago.

Replacements- Go
Wow...raw, powerful and sincere. 45 rpm to boot!

Tupelo Chain Sex- The Revolution Will Be Televised
Actually, it'll be blogged . Part of me wishes that the government would (try to) take away the Internet- it will take something very drastic to get people marching in the streets again, which, IMO, is a necessary thing. Stumik rules!

Mission of Burma- That's When I Reach For My Revolver
Burma. Revolution. Guns. Propaganda by the deed. Everything old is new again...only the names change.

The Wipers- So Young
Only the good die young. There's immortality in immorality!

Lou Reed- Martial Law
I went into a long improv rap and dedicated this song to Gen. Pervy in the Free Dictatorship of Invadistan...my whole show is laced with commentary and innuendo supporting my personal and political agendas- which is exactly how it should be. I actually got a phone call from the Prez of our Board of Directors, complimenting me on doing a great job- that's the sort of ego-stroke that makes my day. I asked if the offer of a position on the Board was still open. It is. I'm taking it- it will look good on my resume, if nothing else- and it'll help explain what I did between jobs.

Snakefinger- Kill the Great Raven
From a 1984 concert in Chicago. Snake, like Frank Zappa, was one of those very few guitar players who had a sound and style that was uniquely their own - regardless of what material they were playing, they had 'that sound'.

Frank Zappa- Carolina Hardcore Ecstasy
I hope the Liberator was listening. I dedicated this song to her. Play nice!

Gary Numan- Observer
It occurs to me that I have seen all of this before.

King Crimson- Neal and Jack and Me
This album , Beat, is a musical tribute to the Beat poets of the 1950's. I am a fan of literate rock- and the guitar tandem of Fripp and Belew is sublime...great while it lasted.

Robert Wyatt- The Age of Self
Robert Wyatt could have been a tragic figure, but isn't. Following a drunken accident, he found himself paralyzed from the waist down, a terrible fate for anyone,-especially a drummer.
His first reaction? Depression.
His second? A musical career that spans four decades.

Danielle Dax- Tomorrow Never Knows
Sexy woman with big hair and a bigger gun. Great Beatles cover...relax your mind and your hat will fit better.

The Stranglers- Mad Hatter
I dedicated this song to myself. During my music 'career' I almost invariably wore an antique top hat on stage- I fear that the mercury may have leeched out of the felt and into my pores...that would explain why I can't remember much about the 1980's. Yep. Blame the hat.

-----------------------------------------------------

I could have played records all day yesterday. It was one of those rare moments of groove, alone in the booth and everything with the most natural flow, bam! right down to the 1/10th of a second and wow, that song blends right into the next one, who knew?...it felt wonderful; I was kicking back and watching myself work...absorbed, immersed and totally in control but somehow detached from the process.
Perhaps detachment is not the best description for that feeling.
'Peace' may be more accurate.

Anyway, I managed to carry that feeling over to this morning's show. A little bit, anyway.

The New Breakfast Snob, Sunday Nov. 11, 2007:

I had a CD of ambient storm noises playing in one CD deck...as the thunder and rain built up, I gradually pushed the Pink Floyd cut into the mix ...as the Floyd receded into telephonic noises, I eased Kraftwerk-honking and squealing- onto the airwaves, the krafty Germans jumped into the beat just as Floyd echoed out... probably the finest 120 seconds of my entire DJ career.
Fuckin' bliss, man.
And you missed it.

Pink Floyd - Bring the Boys Back Home
Subtle, huh?

Kraftwerk- Autobahn
I take a vicarious roadtrip. I'd forgotten how kool Kraftwerk were.

Andy Partridge- Madhatten
Bits and pieces of old XTC outtakes and experiments...more mad hattery.

Tangerine Dream- On Crane's Passage
I like the smell of kraut in the morning. Krautrock, that is.

King Crimson- Happy Family
From Lizard. For Lyzard.

Victor Banana- Value Ape
This is from the soundtrack to a graphic novel- A Velvet Glove Cast in Iron by Daniel "Ghost World" Clowes. Value Ape-Gorilla Savings!

Buffy the VS cast- Life's a Show
Buffy the Vampire Slayer is one of my all-time favorite TV shows- this is from Buffy:the Musical.

Randy Newman- Short People
How insensitive!

The Kinks- Mr. Big
Your minions serve your beck and call
but they don't compensate at all
because inside, Mr. Big is very small
-R.D.D.

XTC- Supertuff
I am a bad motherfucker. Don't mess with me.

Hot Tuna- Bowlegged Woman, Knock-kneed Man
More live music- this is from Double Dose...tastes better than a t-bone steak, excitement on the side.

Crack the Sky - Maybe I Can Fool Everybody Tonight
Still more great live cuts- this band was amazing in concert. They used to play 'I am the Walrus' live- something even the Beatles couldn't do.

Marionette- Tricycles
Fairly new local band that I've had the pleasure of working with. A wide range of influences met when this band formed...I look forward to seeing them develop.

Elvis Costello- Radio Sweetheart
Hi! Remember me?

Atomic Rooster- All in Satan's Name
This song isn't an endorsement of Satanism, it's a condemnation of evil. Maybe.

Jethro Tull- No Lullabye
The live music keeps a comin'. I wish I'd had a chance to see Jethro Tull.

Neil Young - The Restless Consumer
Neil has been quietly releasing some excellent records over the last few years- Living with War and Greendale are both fantastic...disturbing, but fantastic. Harvest Moon kinda sucked...but that was a long time ago.

X- The Have Nots
Dedicated to the restless consumers of alcoholic beverages.
Drink at the Bar Nothing
bar everything
but the bottom step of the ladder
-J.D.

Ten Years After- One of These Days
Macho guitar. What more do you want?

Frank Zappa & Capt. Beefheart- Muffin Man
These double chocolate-chip muffins have 680 calories each, including a whopping 25 grams of fat. I am going to eat four of them and hibernate until March.

Damien Dempsey- Marching Season
Damo sez: Stop beating the drums of hate. Will anyone listen?

Talking Heads- Mind
Drugs won't change you...religion won't change you...I need something to change your mind. Mind.

Emerson, Lake & Palmer- Still (You Turn Me On)
I don't get many calls during my morning show, but I got two from this song- who knew that ELP still had so many fans? I like the waaawwwaahwhwahwahwa guitar riff.

Pretty Things- The Sun
This really is a pretty thing. In his prime, Phil May had a voice that could make a gargoyle weep.

Can- She Brings The Rain
More German muzik. Sounds smooth, but isn't.

Pentangle- In Time
Wow...this acoustic jam is breathtaking, recorded live in a living room on primitive gear...the sound is wonderful, honest and open...you can hear the air and it's clear and crisp.

The Kinks- Life Goes On
A friend of mine just had a real bad time
His life was shattered and he lost his mind
His girl ran off along with his best friend
Under emotional stress he brought his life to an end
It was such a tragedy-
but that's the way it's got to be-
Life goes on and on and on
Life goes on and on... oh, yeah...

Towards the end of this song, there is the sound of a single hand-clap... I imagine that more claps were recorded but Ray decided to omit all but the one from the final mix...to me, it's a symbol of affirmation and defiance in the face of despair.
That's what I hear when I hear this song.

Life goes on.

The Importance of Being Frank

I had the extreme good fortune of seeing Frank Zappa perform a half-dozen or so times...the show I recall the best was Salt Lake City, circa 1985. FZ was originally booked to play at The Salt Palace, a god-awful sports arena with acoustics that were so bad it pretty much didn't matter what band was playing- all one heard was the sound of permanent hearing loss.

Luckily (for the fans) , Zappa didn't sell enough tickets for the Palace, so they moved the show next door to a small auditorium designed for symphonies- the sound was impeccable, the view from our third row seats was unbeatable and the skill of Zappa's band was on a level I have yet to see surpassed by anyone of any genre - and I have seen a lot of bands since 1985.

Frank would often light a cigarette and watch as one of his bandmates- such as Steve Vai- played a solo...after few minutes, he'd stick the cigarette in the strings of his own guitar's headstock, which was the signal that he was about to play his solo, which he would do until the cigarette was almost burning the guitar...oh, man...nobody had guitar attitude like Frank Zappa. Frank was better than almost anyone alive and he knew it. He didn't have to boast or talk it up, he just played and when he did there wasn't much you could do but stand in mute awe and try to absorb as much as possible, hoping to retain some fleeting bit of the creative mojo that came so easily to Zappa but so rarely touches most of us.

Years later, I was descending the stairs of a stage here in Fallentown after one of my own concerts and an excited young man approached me.

"You must listen to a lot of Zappa", he said, " you play a lot like Frank."

That was the highest compliment I have ever received, although I'm nowhere near the caliber of FZ. Few are.

If you really want to play like Zappa, it helps if you are Zappa. Dweezil Zappa, that is. I was interested in this show, but the $32 price tag was way out of reach...so I asked for free tickets on the virtue of my overall coolness- and got them!
So last Thursday night, a friend and I want to see Frank's son Dweezil play a concert of his father's material. When we arrived, all I could see was a jumbo screen playing concert footage of FZ himself...was this the warm-up, we wondered? On tip-toe, I could see the band...they were playing along to old footage while a roadie was trying to isolate the malfunction on Dweez's amplifier...a bad cable, I think...once all the tech difficulties were straightened out, his band- featuring FZ stalwart Ray White and a cast of great young players ( the sound was so bad I couldn't catch their names during the introductions)- launched into a 'best of' medley that lasted three hours, finishing with 'Muffin Man' and 'Illinois Enema Bandit'.
Awesome.


Zappa really did love his fans and he passed that on to Dweezil. After the show, he stayed on stage, shaking hands and giving autographs to dozens of fans, myself included.

"Your father would be proud", I said. It was loud and I don't know if he heard me, but I know it's true- what father wouldn't be proud to see their son carry on the family tradition- especially when it's a musical legacy as rare and powerful as Zappa's?

I spent most of the next day playing the riff from 'Muffin Man' over and over again on my guitar. It was pointless but quite gratifying.

Until my mixer exploded, that is. Every light that could go RED did go RED and a horrible buzzing sound blew out the speakers on my cheap stereo. I checked my receipt...the warranty expired 30 days ago. Fuck.
Might as well take a drive, get some food, calm down.

My engine died. After months of auto-drama and thousands of wasted dollars, I blew a cylinder and now my Volvo is little more than a giant Swedish paperweight.
Now I can't use it to not drive myself to the job I didn't get on Friday.

Except for the great show Thursday, my life has become pretty goddamn unbearable. For the first time in months, I have found myself thinking about drinking again, and how easy it would be to lose all my problems by crawling into the bottle and never coming out again...but, no.
Not gonna happen- I have too many things to do. The thought of drinking scares the shit out of me, which is exactly what it should do. As long as I have fear, I will be sober. I have lots of fear.

I have fun too:

I have a radio show today at 3PM, Songs from the Big Hair, which is our weekly 1980's program. I found a concert CD that has Dweezil's first ever live performance on it-, it's from 1984- Dweezil is 15 years old and he trades licks with his father on 'Sharleena' ...how cool is that?
I've got more Zappa lined up- I'll be carrying my tribute over to tomorrow morning's show...I might have to walk 20 blocks through cold rain to play my old Zappa records, but, by gum, that is what I'm gonna do.

There are a lot of things I can't seem to do- pay rent, eat, find a girlfriend, etc.- but there is one thing I can always do, and that thing is playing music.

After my show is over tomorrow, I'm gonna go home and play 'Muffin Man' until my fingers hurt.
Why?
Because I can.

Mid-Life Crisis #99

Man. I thought these (1989-1990?) pics were long, long gone...this is me with Electric Whip, one of my longest-running bands-we lasted four or five years...I wish I had some recordings. I thought everything- including these pics- had been lost, but who knows? Someone might still have a copy. All I have are some live cassettes- muddy- sounding, but man...we had some great moments.

L to R :This is Jorge, our percussionist, who later formed a salsa band called Bio-Ritmo. Jorge eventually got kicked out of his own band and moved back to Puerto Rico. We were roomates and had some troubles, but overall, he was a solid friend. I hope he's doing well.

Bobby, our drummer, was a schizophrenic. When his madness allowed, he was one of the best natural drummers I've ever played with. Back then, giant-ass drumkits were in vogue- Bobby played a 4-piece Ludwig and made it big like Bonham. He eventually went crazy and never quite made it back home...very sad.

Greg was our bassist. He was (still is) an amazing player- he really contributed a lot to our overall 'sound'...I'd give him these totally fucked-up, impossible bass lines and he'd not only play them, but he'd improve them. Time has not been kind to our friendship, but I don't know exactly why.

Dora was our singer. She had a great voice and would sing my twisted lyrics without flinching or changing the gender of the pronouns- as a result, the local lesbians thought we were fronted by a dyke. It helped with attendance!
Her boyfriend (later, her husband) was my best friend.
He died in prison, leaving his wife and two daughters behind.
Cocaine was involved.
I try not to think about that, but it did happen. I still cry for him sometimes.
Right now, in fact.

Anyway, I'll be on the radio pretty much all-night -from 9PM to 1 AM EST - tune in and check it out. It's gonna rock!

Wake and Snake

Yesterday was my 41st birthday. I spent most of the day waiting for someone who never showed up; eventually I took a chance and drove my faltering car to the supermarket. Sometimes it takes a looong time to start, so I brought a book with me, just in case.

Good thing that I did.

The weather was nice- I hung out in the Kroger parking lot, ate 'day-old' pastries and re-read a few chapters of Schrodinger's Cat. After a while my car decided to co-operate and I made it home in time to meet my aunt and uncle, who took me out to dinner. I have been living off of oatmeal , beans, rice etc. for weeks now, so I said fuck a bunch of healthy shit , give me some goddamn ribs!

Mmmm...a long-lost blogpal once informed me that the word sarcasm literally derives from ' rending of the flesh' (true!)- my meal was deliciously sarcastic! Dripping, it was!

This morning I had a guest in the studio- 'Schlep', who found my blog by Googling 'Snakefinger'
It turns out that not only does Schlep listen to a lot of the same music I do, he also lives in Richmond- one block from my house!
Part of my volunteer work involves finding and training new people for the station, but I never thought I'd be recruiting DJs via my blog- Schlep graciously brought coffee and muffins- if you think my coffee habit is exaggerated in this blog, it's not.
Now I have a witness.

Last week sucked. All I posted was a bunch of filler and a hastily spewed (and since revised) short story- but I forgot my playlist.
Oh well.
(If anyone cares, my playlists are also posted here.)

Anyway.

Here's this week's list:

The New Breakfast Snob, 9/15/2007

Dude. Your show is over in 45 seconds- you just started a four-minute song. A four-minute Contemporary Jesus song, no less- not on my time, you ain't...it gave me great pleasure to guillotine that motherfucker in mid-verse. Praise and Hallelujah!
Dude. If you think I'm just sore because your Redskins beat my Dolphins, you would be 99% correct...now excuse me while I kill your song and replace it with:

Gong- Sprinkling of Clouds
Last night was the first time I've eaten red meat in weeks. This song is nearly nine minutes long...

Loreena McKennitt- Kecharitome
And this one is eight minutes...

Point Music Promo - Track #8
I wish I knew who the artist is...it's a 'promo' CD without any info on the artists at all...what kinda promo is that? I love this eastern-influenced string and percussion piece, whatever it is.

Steeleye Span- Johnny was a Shoemaker/ Lowlands of Holland
My guest, Schlep, is also a Fan of Span. Cool beans. Potatoes. Whatever.

West of Eden-Hide and Seek
From 2007. How unusual.

Altan- Stor A Stor A Ghra
I want more of this band.

Marian Bradfield- Please Don't Set Me Free
This is what happens when you start talking to things that aren't the microphone. In this instance, the thing was a person- I forget what I was saying, but I played this song by mistake.
This song wipes ass and we had to suffer through nearly the whole thing before I could find a fade point...I think. It was so traumatic that I've already repressed the memory. Sorry.

Claanad- Gathering Mushrooms
Meadow muffins and misty mornings...

Jefferson Airplane- Rock Me Baby
Bring it back home with some Blues- this live cut showcases Jorma Kaukonen and sounds a lot like early Hot Tuna... I wonder why?

Savoy Brown- Poor Girl
Ooops. I meant to play a different song- I guess that's appropriate , since this album is in the wrong cover...I purchased it that way and didn't even notice until I got home...tsk.

Big Brother & Big Holding Co- Keep On
This is after Janis...poor girl.

Snakefinger- Haven't Any Hay
From a 1984 live show, CD courtesy of Schlep.

Fiona Joyce- Cry Over You
Another 2007 release...ding.

Pentangle- Bruton Town
I'm shamrockin' out today!

Daevid Allen w/ Robert Wyatt- Memories
Memories will hang you up and haunt you...for instance, you might wind up spending your birthday alone in a heightened state of regret and anxious remorse.
Or a parking lot.
Or both.

Jethro Tull- Journeyman
By request. And yes, I set the freekin' satellite frequency thingamabob already...sheesh.

Fairport Convention- My Girl The Month of May/Million Dollar Bash
Sorry, didn't have any Dylan for the other request- I snuck in a Dylan cover instead.

Neil Young- Don't Let it Bring You Down
When I was a kid, I'd self-medicate my depression with this song. From this very copy, in fact...I never thought I'd be playing it on the radio for the same reason. Life is weird.

Aphrodite's Child- Good Time So Fine
It's all Greek to me.

Stranglers- Ships That Pass in the Night
One day I'm gonna do two hours of Stranglers. I can't wait to play Bring on the Nubiles...

10 CC- Sand in my Face
These guys listened to Frank Zappa and the Mothers.

Zappa and the Mothers- Happy Together
These guys are Frank Zappa and the Mothers.

Quicksilver Silver Messenger- It's Been Too Long
Great 60's guitar band -this album was produced by Nick Gravenites, who also sings on the Big Brother cut played earlier...some shoes are just to big to fill, ya know?

Pretty Things -She's A Lover
For Alexis B. I'm sorry.

Capt. Beefheart- Tropical Hot Dog Night
Dig the horns.

Pretty Things- Trust
Really. I am.

Robo Cop-Out

Irene was looking for RoboCop when we met.

"Excuse me, but do you have any RoboCop books?", she asked as she flipped through the boxes of comic books on the table separating us. I should have told her no, I was sold out - the actor who played RoboCop, which was currently in the theaters, was a guest at the Big Comic Convention I was working- but I was immediately attracted to Irene and her fishnet-based Victorian Gothic fashion sense. I wanted to keep her at my table as long as possible. To do that, I'd tell her anything, including the truth.

"Well, I don't have any 'Robo' books down here, but I have some Robocop stashed in my room upstairs."

Her black-lined lips twitched. Was she repressing a smile or a snarl?

"That is flat-out the worst pick-up line that I have ever heard."

Her stare was an icy dagger of laughter.
Laughter?

Ha, she was teasing me! I like this. Keep going...

"But, but...I do have a few. I figured I'd hold some back in case the prices went up during the autograph sessions, but if you want I'll run upstairs and bring one down for you during my next break. No extra charge, of course."

Oh shit. I've just revealed book-dealer secrets to an attractive stranger after ten seconds of conversation. Mata Hari would have had no problems with me.

Irene looked a bit disappointed. When exactly, she wanted to know, was my next break and how much was a copy of RoboCop: The Comics Adaptation going to cost her?

"Now, and your eternal soul, to answer your respective questions."

"Excellent!"

And it was. It turned out that Irene was a student at the art school back home- we were neighbors, in fact. We both agreed that this was a good thing and that we would pick up where we left off after returning to our mutual hometown. Where we left off was the floor, the desk, the tub....well, you get the idea.

I wasn't paying much attention to conversational clues at this point. I overlooked a critical warning sign when Irene referred to my cat as an "animal companion" and I, thinking she was being sarcastic, replied that I preferred the term "feline-American".

I was kidding. She wasn't, and we had our first argument, but we were at the stage in our fledgling relationship where such things didn't seem to matter. I didn't have any problem adapting to her excellent vegan cooking and she 'overlooked' my leather shoes...it was fine for a few weeks.

Until our Big Romantic Date.

I had recently sold some Silver Age Spider-Man comics to a local restaurateur who was also a Spidey addict, and part of our negotiations included a candlelight dinner for two at his restaurant. After making sure that the kitchen could prepare a proper vegan meal, I asked Irene if she wanted to dine out, all formal-like.

Hell yeah, she said, as long as it's vegan.

So we went. It felt great, being greeted at the door and escorted to our table by the owner, being told that we were "V.I.P.s" and to feel free to order anything we wished. We were a young, poor and strange-looking couple; neither one of us was accustomed to being treated so graciously by a 'straight' establishment. It felt good.
I was doing alright by Irene, I thought.

But during our meal, she kept staring at a woman a few tables over to my left. I should have said something, asked what was up...something...but I didn't. I was too busy enjoying the moment to notice how angry Irene was getting.
I wish I had, because before we ordered desert Irene finally stood up and approached the woman whom she had been glaring at all evening.

"Ahem. I can't help but notice that you are very proud of your fur coat. Well, I hope you are proud of all the animals who suffered and died in cages so you could prance around in their skins..."

"Well, I never...", the other, older woman stood up, " what gives you the right to talk to me..."

The woman's husband, older and much larger than me, also stood up. He didn't say anything, but his look was one of contempt as the two women started yelling at each other in the nearly full dining room. I tried to avoid his eyes.

"You murderous, evil bitch!"

"Crazy punk rock whore!"

"I'll fucking kill you..."

The entire dining room stopped moving, went silent and watched the argument escalate.

Clink, said a fork.

My friend, the owner, rushed over and stage-whispered to me: "Leave. Now."

"Irene! Irene!", I interjected, "we need to leave. Now. My friend is insisting that we go."

"Cunt!"

"Slut!"

On the walk back to her apartment I couldn't think of anything to say, so I sulked instead. I guessed, correctly, that this incident had cost me one of my best comics customers. I also felt the lurking specter of The End of my time with Irene.

When we got home, she started giving me crap about my leather shoes, my belt, the beef I had "hidden" in my freezer...I am a bit ashamed to admit that I wasn't the slightest bit prepared for this attack and I crumpled. I gathered up the things I had at her place and I went home. I spent the night alone with my beef.

A few days later, a mutual friend approached me. She said Irene had been "stressed" and needed to go back to her family for a rest period. She informed me that Irene wanted me to have something, but was embarrassed to give it to me herself, so she used our friend as proxy.

She handed me a comic book inside a plastic bag.

RoboCop.

I Just Said "No"

The only thing I fear more than death-by-loneliness is being stabbed to death in my sleep by a deranged girlfriend...no, that's not true. I'd rather be murdered in my sleep than endure a lifetime of bad relationships, so at the moment I am alone. That's a choice. I've actually had several overtures recently but I walked away from them all for reasons ranging from prejudice to self-preservation.

It's amazing how much you can learn about sex by not having it- the absence of humpage seems to encourage thought and reason.
Maybe I'm smarter now.
Or maybe I'm just picky.
Or scared.
Or all of the above.

In any case, I wound up giving my version of The Speech ( Let's Just Be Friends) again lately and it's starting to bother me; I am accustomed to being on the receiving end of The Speech, not to giving it- and after giving it, I realize that no matter how well-intentioned, The Speech has a tendency to be a bit disingenuous. Especially the part about remaining friends.

I have a friend here who drinks. Heavily.
Last winter, she reached out to me for help with the drinking. I can't do anything, I said, that is up to you. All I can do is listen and I will- call me anytime but don't call me if you are drunk.

She didn't call for months.

Then we bumped into each other a while back and started talking , she seemed sincere about quitting, she wanted to talk more, in private.

OK. I am cool with that.

So she invited me to dinner and when I arrived, she stank of vodka. Alcoholics like to think vodka is odorless and hence undetectable, but that is a fallacious assumption. Vodka has a strong odor and anything that's 80 proof will noticeably impair you and this woman was impaired. Wobbly drunk.

I got angry. Usually, it doesn't bother me very much to be around people who are drinking, but this was different- we were supposed to be talking about sobriety, a useless conversation to have with a drunk.

Look. I like you but I can't be around you like this.

Don't you think I'm attractive?

I should have said "no, not at the moment", but I was too nice. She is very pretty and I told her that - the next thing I knew she had slipped her distillery tongue into my mouth.

Aughh!

I swear, I could feel a 'contact drunk' from that stolen kiss. I wanted her (or at least my body did) but I knew what would happen if we slept together- I would convince myself that I was in love with her (I'm not) and try to 'rescue' her, which would fail and lead me back into drinking just so I could be with her.

I know this because I've been through it before.

To repeat my mistakes would be insane, so I did the next craziest thing, which was actually
the only sane option- I gave her The Speech.

Dickless asshole!

It didn't go over well.

Rule #1 : Don't date drunks.

Sub-Rule #1a: Don't date drunks who call you "dickless asshole."

Anyway, I must be putting out major pheromones, because a few days later I was getting a ride home from a woman I don't know very well and she asked me if I wanted to go back to her place and get high- sure, I said, why not?

I know her husband, so I assumed he'd be home and that this was just a social visit- I really should have known better. As soon as we sparked the first joint, she started talking to me about her impending divorce...man, I shoulda seen that coming. I've been there before too.

Most guys would probably have just fucked her and vamoosed, but I am not wired like that. I know what would happen- I'd wind up convincing myself that I was in love and it would end in humiliation and tears when I found out the feeling wasn't reciprocal.

Stupid, but I can't help it. It's how I am. I have an extremely naive and idealized notion of romance- it's as if my emotions stopped growing when I started my drinking career in high school and have only resumed progress now, twenty-odd years later.
I don't know where I get my ideas from- I certainly didn't grow up around well-adjusted relationships- I think my ideals are the merely the reverse of what I saw as a kid.
In my perfect world Daddy comes home at night and Mommy doesn't play with guns.
That's pretty much as far as I get with the details of my expectations.
Useless. Dreamer.
I wonder how many hopeless romantics come from broken homes?
Anyway.

So again with The Speech.

Don't you think I'm attractive?

Yes, yes I do...but I like you too much for this...which was a lie, because I don't know her very well at all. This lie made me feel bad, so I compounded the harm with honesty.

Look, I've been through this before and I'm just not emotionally suited to having affairs. I'll get hurt. You'll get hurt. Stop.

Man, I should have stuck with my lie. To her, I think it sounded like I was confessing to bedding every married woman in Virginia except her, because I somehow found her less attractive than all the other women- which wasn't true at all...I buried myself in a deep verbal hole and handed her the shovel. Instead of a spadeful of soil, she tossed this poisoned rose into my freshly-dug grave:

My husband won't touch me anymore.

Try walking home alone late at night with those words echoing in your head.
On second thought, don't.
It sucks. Take my word for it.

Rule #2: Don't sleep with married women.

Rule #3: Don't be a plot device in someone else's revenge drama.

The third rejection slip was the easiest one. It's much simpler to reject someone if you aren't interested in the first place -a gay acquaintance made an awkwardly polite move on me...dude, that's flattering and all, but I'm not gay. I didn't have to give The Speech at all, I just said "no , thanks."

When I was in my late teens I spent two or three days lost in a New Orleans dungeon.

It was during Mardi Gras and I don't remember how I got in or how I got out , but it did dispel any lingering adolescent doubts I had about my sexual orientation. It's a one-way street.
If a three-day absinthe and cocaine binge in a French Quarter dungeon doesn't bring out any hidden peccadilloes, nothing will.

Still, I thought it was kinda flattering to get hit on- most of the gay guys I know are very particular about appearance, clothes and general hygiene, so being hit on by one must indicate that I'm reasonably attractive, well-dressed and unfunky. That was rarely the case when I was drunk, so I guess I'm making progress.

Progress.

Did I tell you about this girl that I really like?

No?

Good.

Blue Man Grope

I feel your pain and it's starting to hurt, so wouldja just get better already?

I had eight and a half hours of airtime this weekend- three two-hour shows as DJ and one show as engineer/producer. I was so impressed with myself that I took my own picture so that you, the reader, could admire me as much as I admire myself. Actually, I was trying to examine the sunburn on my scalp but I won't post those pics... suffice it say that next time I go for a drive with the sunroof open I will wear a hat.

Anyway, six hours of music is about seventy-five songs- plus the 30 minutes I picked up from the 6am DJ who overslept- usually I post and narrate my playlists, but this is 75 fucking songs- who the hell would read that? Better yet, who would write it?

Me. But without the details this week.

First, Zendo Soundsystem. DJ Ras-Bob usually mixes it up with modern flavor, but my groove music collection tends towards the WayBack Machine and the Mothership Connection- (and a few cuts from South Park):

Cameo- Word Up
Funkadelic- Freek of the Week
Talking Heads- I Zimbra
Curtis Mayfield- Little Child Runnin' Wild
Master P- Kenny's Dead
Average White Band- Schoolboy Crush
Papa John Creach - Enjoy
Red Hot Chili Peppers-If You Want Me To Stay
Funkadelic- I'll Stay
Steve Hillage-Unzipping the Zype
Parliament- Big Bang Theory
Little Feat- Spanish Moon
Big Brother & the Holding Co.- Funkie Jim
Tower of Power- I Gotta Groove
Grace Jones- Inspiration
P-Funk All-Stars- Funky Kind( Knock it Down)
Isaac "Chef" Hayes- Simultaneous
Marvin Gaye- Come Get To This
Troublefunk- Woman of Principle
Kool & the Gang- She's a Bad Mama Jama
Rick James & Ike Turner- Love Gravy
Ray Manzarek- Begin The World Again
Stevie Wonder- Superstitious
George Clinton - Kredit Kard
Chris Spedding- Breakout
James Brown-Living in America

Saturday I spent four hours in gridlock and barely made it to the station in time to host Songs From the Big Hair, our weekly 1980's show. I had the pleasure of being assisted by my "trainee" Fontaine, who added some fresh air to my stale records. I used the air-quotes because Fontaine has been a DJ at another station for many, many years- in fact, she trained me as her summer substitute over a decade ago... by the end of the program she was running the show while my assistant Eric and I set up the studio for our musical guest - the wonderful Lauren Kendall - who played four fantastic songs on keyboard, voice and cello accompanied by her man Blake on percussion. Not only did they sound great, they also came prepared with gear and good-natured humor that helped soothe my white-knuckled nerves. Kudos to musicians who carry microphones with them- special thanks to L&B for the cables and to Fontaine for the tunes!

Big Hair:

Danielle Dax- Inky Bloaters
Gary Numan- Engineers
King Crimson- Model Man
Fleshtones- Girl From Baltimore
Opal- Magick Power
Crack The Sky- Lost in America
Dead Kennedys - Viva Las Vegas
Bad Brains- Re-Ignition
Sonic Youth- Hotwire my Heart
Siouxsie and the Banshees- Arabian Knights
XTC- Wake Up
Tom Tom Club -Genius of Love
Mission of Burma- That's When I Reach For My Revolver
King Crimson- Elephant Talk
X- White Girl
Tupelo Chain Sex- The Revolution Will Be Televised
Snakefinger- Kill the Great Raven
Talking Heads- The Great Curve
The Soft Boys - I Got the Hots
Keith Le Blanc - But Whitey/Einstein
The Cramps - Garbageman
The Blasters - I'm Shakin'
Pere Ubu - We Have the Technology
Magazine - The Honeymoon Killers
The Fall - Copped It
Pixies - Tony's Theme
Dream Syndicate - That's What You Always Say
Run DMC - Mary, Mary
Udokotela Shange Namajaha - Awungilobolele

By the time I was finished with Lauren's show I was exhausted and starving, having not had a chance to eat all day, so I said fuck the diet- I got myself some fried chicken and went home, did bongs and watched the Sci-Fi channel. Maybe it was the weed, but does Sci-Fi's original programming consist entirely of monsters eating bikini models? I didn't even notice when one movie ended and the next one began- all I know is that if you hike in the rain-forest wearing a g-string you will be eaten by dinosaurs.

I wanted to dream about the g-string models-sans dinos- but I barely had time to sleep at all before I had to rush back down to the studio at 6:30am to fill in for he-who-shall-not-be-named, who had * ahem* overslept.
Then, of course, my own weekly show.

The New Breakfast Snob:

Raput & The Sepuy- Up, up and away
The Scramblers- Mister Hot Rod
Circle Makers- Circles
Eleanor McCovey- Whisper and a Prayer
Victor Banana- Stall Genie-Gooseneck Hollow
King Crimson- Thrak
West of Eden- Hide and Seek
Rosemary Woods- Everywhere I Go
Clann an Drumma- Visedail
Velvet Underground- Sunday Morning
Fiona Joyce- Cry Over You
Siobhan Skates- Short a Penny
The Kinks- Village Green Preservation Society
Grace Slick & Paul Kantner- Ballad of the Chrome Nun
Loreena McKennitt- Caravansrai
Claanad- Why Worry?
Briege Murphy- The Sea
The Stranglers- Midnight Summer Dream
Marianne Faithfull- Witch's Song
Pentangle- Springtime Promises
Jethro Tull- Fat Man
Jefferson Airplane- Rock Me Baby
Little Feat- Fat Man in the Bathtub
Slick & Kantner- Fat
Captain Beefheart- This is the Day
PrettyThings- Goodbye/Going Downhill
Graham Central Station- Ole Smokey
10 CC- Sand in my Face
Mike Watt- Against the 70's
Tom Verlaine- Always
King Crimson- Ladies of the Road
PJ Harvey- Workin' For the Man
Can- Soup


Now for my next trick: some serious nap inaction.

Vinyl Is For Giving

My selection of vinyl may have some pops and scratches , but it will never give away my name or email and it will never turn me over to the FBI for sharing it with the world.
Vinyl is permissive.
Vinyl is forgiving.

This weekend's first show, Songs From The Big Hair (the 80's ):

The Damned- Street of Dreams
Derek Sunshine sez: "The Damned are like a real-life Spinal Tap. They changed image with whatever they thought was cool- punk, goth, metal...whatever". Well, I'll be...

XTC- This World Over
Great post-apocalyptic ballad about a father and son visiting a crater.

Snakefinger- Kill the Great Raven (Live)
"You can call me Phil. Or Snake. Either one." Snakefinger said that to me after his only Richmond show. Then we got stoned for hours. A month later he was dead.

George Clinton- Airbound
Let's put this Clinton in the White House. The Mothership Connection is funkadelicious and peaceafied.

Scorpions- Every Minute, Every Day
Back in high school, if you had told me that one day I would be playing this album on the radio,
I would have said: "What? I can't hear you! I'm in the backseat and you have the fucking Scorpions blasting my ears out!"

Motorhead-I'm the Doctor
"You'll feel better if you take these little pills/I'll give you sixty bottles/I believe in overkill..."

Danielle Dax- White Knuckle Ride
"Crazy little Charlie took a trip on an airplane/With his hands full of triggers as he flew into the sun..."

King Crimson- Heartbeat
One of my old bands once opened up for Adrian Belew's 'Bears'. Belew wouldn't deign to speak to us, but their bass player did. We gave him a tape. After the show, we were loading our van and the window of his tour bus opened. Our tape came whizzing out and landed on the sidewalk. It was depressing.

Talking Heads- Born Under Punches
But hey, I can't hold a grudge that long. Belew is all over this album.

The Kinks- Catch Me Now, I'm Falling
I saw this tour. I was in 9th grade. Awesome.

Pere Ubu- Ice Cream Truck
Disgruntled Mid-West anti-pop.

Golden Palominos- Omaha
Is that what's-his-face from REM? Is that the drummer from David Letterman's old band? I dunno.

Magazine- The Great Man's Secrets
Psst...c'mere. I have something I wanna tell you.

Adrian Belew- The Momur
Dude. See how magnanimous I am? Bask in my benevolent forgiveness, you fuckin' twanger.

Coffin Break- Diane
These guys used to play in Richmond quite often. They were always too loud, but I liked them anyway. Scary song.

Robyn Hitchcock- Slipping in the Midnight Fish
Yeah, I know I recently played this on my other show, but I really get a subversive, perverse thrill from it. Indulge me, eh? This is one of several songs from today's list that features sardines. I'll send a bag of money to whomever finds them all.

Lou Reed - Turn Off The Light
Yeah, I know I play a lot of Lou Reed. I can't help it. It's an addiction.

Crack The Sky- Big Money
I am the dogs of war, I am the cocaine whores
Who eat the life from you, I am your wildest dream...
Big Money will set you free

Asia- Ten seconds of hell for which Messrs. Howe, Wetton and Palmer will never be forgiven

I saw this band in concert and watched in amazement as a group of hippies stood up in the front row, gave the band the finger and stormed out. The show was that bad. It really was.
A few years later, I was telling my new hippie roommate about that concert- he told me that it was he who had flipped the bird. He was also dating my high school GF at the time. Small world. Too fucking small.



Grace Jones- Everybody Hold Still
To me, this is a Sly and Robbie album that Grace Jones sings on.

Mother Gong- The Upwardly Mobile Song
Robots and Yuppies. Spot the difference.


Tom Verlaine- Postcards From Waterloo
Tom was in Television, not on television.



Opal- Revelation
What a cool album. Remember the Dream Syndicate?

Wire- Ahead
Geez, I like Wire. I suppose I can forgive them for helping spawn 'house' music. Maybe.

Replacements- Black Diamond
It's a Kiss cover.

Elvis Costello- Watch Your Step
Too late. My foot is in it.

The English Beat- Sugar and Stress
Were you a rocker or a mod or both? I walked both worlds and still do. It's a tight wire.

The Stranglers- It's a Small World
Yes, it is.

My Bloody Valentine- Lose My Breath
This pre-emo CD has really fuzzy album art. It sounds blurry too. I thought I'd enjoy hearing it again, but it really annoyed me. Ah, well.

Tom Waits- 16 Shells from a 30.06
"I'm gonna whittle you into kindlin'"



That's all for Saturday.

Sunday morning I got up at 6am and did another show.
I've been doing a dawn show every Sunday for eight months. I must be nuts.


The New Breakfast Snob:

Funkadelic- Freak of the Week
Shit! Goddamn! Get off your ass and jam!
Fuck. Can't play that song...I'll play this one instead.

Tranquility Bass- 5 Miles High
I don't know much about these guys . It sounds like they smoke lots of indoor weed.



Larry Graham- The Jam
"My name is Larry, Larry Graham, but you can call me...b'rooombapboommmp"
Jumpin' jaysus! It's like looking at Tom Jones with a 'Fro and a P-Bass, ya know what I mean?


The Who - Postcards
Postcards are a running theme this weekend. I am having a lovely time and I do wish you were here.

Steeleye Span- The Lowlands of Holland
Postcards from Europe are a running theme this weekend.

Damien Dempsey- The Jar Song
"That's the way they came..."

The Flaming Groovies- She's Falling Apart
The Groovies get trippy and sad. On the original Kama Sutra vinyl.
Mmmm...Kama Sutra vinyl. That should be good for a few google hits.

Hot Tuna- The Highway Song
This, to me, is a feel-good song. It's raining, but who cares?

Fairport Convention- Genesis Hall
Look, I've already 'fessed up about this stuff...

10 CC- You've Got a Cold
10 CC were a really clever band. Is that an Arp sneezing?

Talking Heads- Memories Can't Wait
Hear all that stuff? That sound? That's Brian Eno. Fear of Music is my favorite Heads album

Fiona Joyce-The Juggler
Usually you can judge a CD by the cover, but this song is the exception. Terrible cover art, but a beautiful song about a dude who can't keep his balls aloft.

Grin- You're the Weight
"Wanna sink my boat in your ocean..." What is that all about?

Alan Parsons Project- I Wouldn't Wanna Be Like You
This guy is the real brain behind Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side...Ampex+Parsons= Midas.

Curtis Mayfield- No Thing (The Cocaine Song)
"I'm so glad that I'm set free"
When I was a kid, I didn't know what this song was about. Now I do. I really do.

Lou Reed- Babyface
Oh my. That's not a happy song, is it?

Robert Fripp-Chicago
I would like a deep-dish pizza stuffed with Frippertronics. That would be my perfect meal.

The Stranglers- Tank
This should be used in Army recruiting ads..."drive your very own tank"
It never goes out of style.

Cream - World of Pain
Have you ever dropped acid and stared at the cover of Disraeli Gears? Whew...it's an eyeful of mind-candy.

The Kinks- Last of the Steam-Powered Trains
I can relate to the defiant obsolescence expressed in this song. I played it from the original vinyl, which is in glorious Monophonic.

Quicksilver Messenger Service- Pride of Man
Pickin' up on yesterday's thread of nuclear holocaust.

Captain Beefheart- Rock and Roll's Evil Doll
Scorpio.

Can- Mother Upduff
Another European postcard- a travelogue really. Considerable time is spent in Italy.

Crack the Sky- Maybe I Can Fool Everybody Tonight
"The last place I want perspiration odor is under my arms."

Be Bop Deluxe- Ships in the Night
"Without love, I am a desert". Camels live in deserts.

Jethro Tull- Thick as a Brick
Your what is in the where? How did it get there? Yuck.

Clannad- Love and Affection
Is that too much to ask for? A timeless question.

Jefferson Airplane- Wooden Ships
The line about the purple berries always reminds me of the balloon girl from the original Willie Wonka movie. What exactly did the Oompa-Loompas do with her?

Well, that's what I did this weekend. It's pouring rain this morning so I'm staying inside and taking a nap. I talked to my grannie and she sounds pretty good, so I can rest a little easier.
It's been a good weekend.
I hope you all had a good one too.

April Wine (A Love Story)

My doctor recently gave me a prescription for a pill called Ambien. It's intended to help with my insomnia and it really does work.
However, there are side effects.
One of them is dreams.

Ambien gives me kick-ass weird dreams...not your typical nightmares or Freudian fantasies, but really bizarre, fun and even educational visions.

Of course, this may just be the onset of schizophrenia, but for now I'm rolling with the dream theory.

Last night as I readied for bed, I took one of those magic little pills and didn't even realize I was asleep when the dreams started.

The phone rang.
I answered.

It was my Dream Girl. She was concerned about me- you may have heard in the news about some bad things that happened in my home state of Virginia. I'm not ready to get into it here, but I did need someone to talk to more than I realized.

So we talked.

One of the things I love about my Dream Girl is that she always makes me laugh, even when I really feel like crying...I think I may have cried a bit, but she didn't get scared or hang up; she stuck with me until it was time to laugh again- which didn't take long.

"These pills kick ass", I thought to myself between giggles. "I'm having a great dream and I don't even feel like I'm asleep."

We discussed the childhood traumas inflicted on us by various album covers- their artwork and the packaging...which led me to bring up King Crimson, which of course led to a discussion about the most awesome Canadian band ever- April Wine. (Hey, I already said it was a dream)

Dream asked me about a particular April Wine song. She was very persistent about it - I didn't remember the song and at that point I didn't even know April Wine were Canadian- Dream actually talked me into firing up my computer and Googling April Wine song lyrics, which is not something I would do in a non-somnambulatory, undrugged state.

"Do it!" , insisted my Dream Girl.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes! I don't have a computer and I need to know...NOW! You have to. "

"I don't really want to...", my objections were even weaker than my willpower.
Honestly, I'd do almost anything she asked me to, so Googling crap-ass power ballads from the 1980's was not so bad, all things considered. Women have asked me to do far worse things than that- and I have complied, so...

...against whatever was left of my better judgement I typed the words " I rock myself to sleep" into the search window.

Bam! There it was. Sheer bloody brilliant poetry it was- I couldn't help myself -I began reading the magical verses to my Dream, who started laughing.

"Laugh all you want, woman", I thought, " but you started this. I'm not stopping until I have read every single goddamned lyric of this wretched Poodle-Metal masterpiece to you."

So I did.

Here are the words (even when I'm dreaming, I keep my promises)- with a bit of commentary.

I Rock Myself To Sleep- April Wine

Everynight I rock myself to sleep
Everynight I rock myself to sleep
Everynight I rock myself to sleep
Thinkin' about you
Thinkin' about you

Now I wanna say
It's not the same since you went away
And it's not right
You're not here with me tonite

(If you have heard this song, you will understand that it's even sung mis-spelled. "Tonite"...pft. ...tonite is a suffix, not a word-as in "kryptonite"-duh. )

And it's a crime
Just a lying here wasting my precious time
I'm so lonely and I'm so blue
Thinkin' 'bout the things I could do to you
Everynight I rock myself to sleep
Everynight I rock myself to sleep
Everynight I rock myself to sleep

(Thinkin' 'bout the things I could do to you?
...I rock myself to...what? Huh? What does this mean?)


Thinkin' about you
Thinkin' about you
And I wanna know
Don't you see how you hurt me so
Goin' outa my head
Yeh I'm feelin' it since you left

And it's a crime
Just a lying here wasting my precious time
I'm so lonely and I'm so blue
Thinkin' 'bout the things I could do to you
Everynight I rock
Everynight I rock myself to sleep
Thinkin' about you thinkin' about you

* * * * * * *

"Uh, er, ah..." , I sputtered into the phone , feeling a bit awkward.

"Yes? Yes?," queried my Dream, who was breathing just a little heavier than before- must be from all that laughing, I thought.

"This song...I think it's about a guy, uh, er... jerking-off while he's fantasizing about some chick who's ditzy enough to think that this is a sexy tune."

"Yeah, it's fuckin' horrible isn't it?"

"Um, yeah. So...what are you wearing?"

Weekend Report

Saturday morning I was listening to the radio and I heard my DJ pals play a couple cuts from this album-Harper and Jugula- a 1985 collaboration between Roy Harper and Jimmy Page.

It made my bulb glow.

Seriously, as soon as I heard that, I had this brilliant flash- bright, but not blinding, if you know what I mean. I must have that album.

I called the station and spoke with my DJ pal Gene.

"Gene", I asked, " do you have that album?"

He said it came in with a batch of old records he was sorting through at work.

Gene has the second-worst job on the planet. The poor guy runs a business that sells records on-line. I think he has six million albums. Anyway, about the only thing worse than selling records is playing them; and Gene, on top of all that , is also a DJ- which is the worst job on the planet. The poor man just can't seem to catch a break.

It about broke my heart listening to all the great music he was forced to handle, so I thought maybe I'd see if I couldn't ease his burden a bit.

"Why don't you give me that record?", I offered. "That way you wouldn't have to own it anymore."

"Well...uh, er..." Oh. I see. Gene is one of those businessmen who thinks his company should actually make money. Capitalist!

"OK. How much are you asking for it?"

"...I bought it for myself. I'm not selling it. I've never seen it before either."

"Gene, stop toying with me. How much?"

"Not for sale."

Begging isn't pretty but it works.

I have the LP for one week. I played it this morning, in fact.

Here's the rest of what I played this morning:

Joe Jackson- Sunday Papers
I used to listen to this on a shoebox-sized cassette Walkman while I delivered the Sunday papers in Columbia , Md. Now I'm playing it on-air. Yeah!

P.J. Harvey- Send His Love to Me
The sound of a woman yearning turns me on. This is some seriously yearning music.

Steve Hillage- Palm Trees (Love Guitar)
He's a dippy hippie but he's no fool when it come to guitar FX- that's analog delay, not digital. Analog sounds better and Steve knows it.

Roy Harper & Jimmy Page- Elizabeth
When this winter is over Elizabeth
I will come for you
Bearing songs on the wings
Of great happiness
-Roy Harper


Loreena McKennitt- Mystic's Dream
The first time I heard McKennitt sing I was done for. This is beautiful, eyes-closed listening music.

Golden Palominos- Pure
This would be a great song to make out to. At least I think it would.

The Beatles- Don't Let Me Down
Beatles.OK? OK?

Claanad- The Hunter
I play this band a lot. It's because I like them.

Quiet Sun- Mummy was an Asteroid, Daddy was a small non-stick kitchen utensil
I've already blogged about this record, but ya gotta love the title to this instrumental.

Led Zeppelin- Down by the Seaside
I could do a whole show just playing all four sides of Physical Graffiti and talking about how great it sounds. I'm not kidding.



Be-Bop Deluxe- Ships in the Night
Would someone please give Bill Nelson some props? The dude helped invent New Wave. It didn't suck when he played it either.

The Stranglers- Ships That Pass in the Night
Gutter-punk with naked mohawk chicks or elegant New Wave ballads with classical finesse? Depends on which album you're listening to.

Pretty Things- Come See Me
"Baby, I'm your man...I'm your man-n-n-n-"

Nina Hagen- Wir Leben Immer Noch (Lucky Number)
I really like Nina Hagen. You either do or you don't and I do.

Pere Ubu- Worlds In Collision
One of my favorite bands. I met Dave Thomas when he visited the station. I said "hello". He said "what's up?"

Brice Woodall- Control Freak
Richmonder who moved to Chicago. I love the way this disc sounds. Dude has a voice and an ear and both are awesome.

Damien Dempsey- Celtic Tiger
Another random internet love-at-first-listen; now a regular on the show. Great songwriter, fookin' brilliant, really.

Mike Watt- Against The 70's
Ex-Minutemen bassist sings a song warning kids not to buy into baby-boomer sentimentality for the 1970'S

Jethro Tull- We Used To Know
Jefferson Starship - Devil's Den
Lou Reed- Vicious
Three baby-boomer songs from the 1970's, played for sentimental reasons.

Paw- Seasoned Glove
This song is sung from the POV of a little boy whose drunken father never comes home at night. I know, kiddo, I know...

Crack The Sky- Lighten Up McGraw
If this guitar riff doesn't kick your ass you don't deserve ears.

The Kinks- Top of the Pops
The music industry has always been full of shit but the Kinks were the first band to do entire albums about it . I love the Kinks.

Robert Anbian and the UFQ- Haikus for the White House
Example:
Haiku Condi
No one so smart
She can't be stupid
Black or white

This disc is brand-new on Edgetone Records. Go buy it.



.....


In this photo (by DJ Charles Williams) the text reads: "Independent Radio Just Got Stronger", but it sort of looks like it says "stranger", not "stronger".

I'm cool with that.

********

Here's the station blog from my turn at the weekly1980's show:

Back in the early 1980's one of my high school teachers brought up the idea that an infinite number of chimpanzees equipped with an infinite number of typewriters would eventually re-create an existing literary classic, such as Shakespeare's Hamlet.

I didn't know what sort of point he was trying to make- it seemed obvious to me that the result would be an infinite number of broken typewriters and the decimation of the rainforests from the production of all those infinite reams of typing paper.

Perhaps, I added without being asked, the Reagan Administration feels that if it provides an infinite number of weapons to an infinite number of chimps, then eventually one of them would write the Peace part of Tolstoy's War and Peace.

Well, I got kicked outta class and spent the afternoon in the woods listening to The Clash's Sandinista! on my boom-box and wondering what the future would be like.
I had no idea how much it would resemble the past.
I'm even listening to the same music.

Oingo Boingo -Wake Up !(It's 1984)
XTC- Wake Up!
Stranglers- Let Me Introduce You to the Family
Listen to that guitar...that's insane...truly whacked.

Keith Levene- Cops Too
The Proclaimers- 500 miles ?
Bernie Krause- Jungle Shoes
The Clash- Police on my Back
This song takes me back...some good, some bad.

Dave Stewart/Barbara Gaskin- Henry and James
Troublefunk- All Over the World
Snakefinger- The Golden King
Snakefinger is one of my all-time guitar heroes. After his only Richmond show, I got high and hung out with him and his band for hours...they were genuinely nice people who couldn't believe that this skinny little kid knew all their songs- I got them to autograph my albums and gave Snake a giant bud for the road. A month later Snakefinger died. I haven't gotten over it yet.

Ozzy- Mister Crowley
Kate Bush-Running up that Hill ( A Deal With God)
Devo- Jerkin' Back and Forth

The only thing that's more fun than playing Ozzy back-to-back with Kate Bush is using Devo to illustrate the irony. Honestly, life really doesn't get much better than this.


Neil Young- No More
It's Neil Young. It's about addiction and the guitar sounds amazing. Mmmmm...

Husker Du- Never Talking to You Again
Dream Syndicate- Until Lately
Grace Jones- Everybody Hold Still
The Damned- Grimly Fiendish
Dukes of Stratosphere- Have You Seen Jackie?
Lou Reed- The Blue Mask
This song is twisted, like totally fucking bent. But it doesn't have any cuss words, so I can play it. Twin feedback guitars, panned hard left and right. It's why Godzilla gave stereo two channels.

Peter Tosh- Bumbo Klaat
You can't even say "Bumbo Klaat" in Jamaica without getting murdered and/or arrested. Seriously. Peter Tosh was a bad-ass motherfucking guitarist, but he wasn't bullet-proof.

The English Beat- Spar Wid Me
King Sunny Ade- Synchro Reprise
Magazine- About the Weather
Played from a 12" 45 rpm record. What an artifact! Nothing sounds better than 12" 45's. Seriously. (78's don't count)

Elvis Costello- Less Than Zero
X- White Girl
Tupelo Chain Sex- The Revolution Will Be Televised
Yello- Desire
My Bloody Valentine- Take My Breath Away
And how.