Smiling Neuroses

*Ring*

"Hello"? 

I was hoping it was an imaginary phone call but the voice on the other end was very real.

"Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I'm still depressed", said the voice in a muted feminine monotone, "but I'm not mad at you."

"Well, gee. I know why you are depressed- and it's stupid-  but I can't imagine why you would be mad at me."

"Because you think I'm stupid to be upset."

I can't divulge the details of the 'upsetting' story here, so I'll paraphrase below.

" Hmmm. Let me see if I understand your problem: You have told a dozen well-intentioned  and seemingly harmless lies in order to avoid hurting the feelings of a certain individual...your unsustainable web of white lies became unraveled and your actions were revealed to that individual, who , it turns out , doesn't care at all. They weren't hurt in the slightest...but the people you lied to are now having a hard time trusting you. Is that accurate?  If so, I'd call that stupid."

There was a long pause.

"You aren't very comforting."

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The music, however, goes on.

I'm proud to announce the release of the first run of Limited Edition and highly- collectible Monday Machines merchandise. As Cary Grace points out, we don't actually have any music to promote yet, but we do have products to support it. Music, the savvy consumer knows, is secondary to the products that it markets, so we have skipped the music and gone directly to merchandising.

We offer you Ruined Morning coffee mugs. Make a statement- buy one for all the 'morning people' in your life!

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When we do finish the CD, it will debut on my radio show. Until then, there is no shortage of good music to play.

THE NEW BREAKFAST SNOB: DEC. 12th, 2009



Radiohead- Paranoid Android-OK Computer (Capitol Records)
My CD burner decided that this song needed to be 45 seconds longer than Radiohead intended...OK, computer, OK.  It was the first in what was to be two hours of  surmountable technical difficulty

Moody Blues-Dear Diary-Every Good Boy Deserves Favour (Threshold Records)
Today I took a walk...and looked at the shoppes. What did people do before they had Twitter?
What a day it's been.

Renaissance-Can You Understand?--Ashes Are Burning (Sovereign/Capitol Records)
I got a phone call about this- a positive call!

>>>>>> Insert crashing sounds and off-air cursing here

Mellow Candle-Heaven Heath-Swaddling Songs (Esoteric Records)
If you click the link , you will learn everything I know about Mellow Candle.

Black Box Recorder-It's Only the End of the World-England Made Me (Jet Set Records)
This song has the exact same drum machine beat as the song after it...

Damien Dempsey-It's All Good--Seize the Day (UFO Records)
 ...same drum machine as the preceding song, played back to back, it sounds like an extended  mix .

Cursive-Bad Sects-The Ugly Organ (Saddle Creek)
Gay priest's love story.

NEU!-After Eight-'75 (Astralwerks)
Pronounced.

Hawkwind-Angela Android-Take Me To Your Leader (Hawkwind)
If I had known that this song was about having sex with a robot I never would have played it. Too late now.

Alan Parsons Project-The Cask of Amontillado-Tales of Mystery and Imagination (Mercury)
 Spoiler alert: Unhappy ending.

The Pretty Things-Dear Beloved-Balboa Island (ZOHO Roots)



Ugly Head ( RIP, Jack Rose )-Evil Over- Silence is the Mystery of the Future Age (Transparanoia Records)
I worked with Jack during the recording of this CD. My distorted scream starts  the song...those were good times. He will be missed.

Tuxedomoon-59 to 1-A Thousand Lives by Picture (Ralph Records)
 Somehow 45 seconds of this song attached themselves to the end of every song on my CD. It was confusing.

Jim Protector-The Distance-Shields Down (Switch Off)
 Safety in mileage.

Nouvelle Vague-Ever Fallen in Love?-Bande a Part (Luaka Bop)
 Buzzcocks cover done lounge...no one knows what a 'Buzzcock' is-no one except me and Robert Hughes. Google it for wrong answers.

David Lindley-Papa Was a Rolling Stone-Very Greasy (IRS)
Hi Dad!

Michelle Malone-Grace-Beneath the Devil Moon (Velvel)
Have you ever heard Malone work a wah with Band du Soliel? Awesome.

Cary Grace-The Scarab-Perpetual Motion (Door 13 Music)
I can't believe that I'm working on a CD with the mad sorceress who produced the amazing double-CD that this song is from. Pinch me.

>>>>>> Ow! Forget the pinchin' mention.

The Band-Twilight-Best of the Band (Capitol Records)

Jeannine Hebb-Only Ones-Too Late to Change Me (Jeannine Hebb)
Bouncy, intelligent pop song...harder to pull off than it sounds.

Fiona Joyce-Lifting the Veil-Lifting the Veil (River Valley Records)
Lush sounds...

Mythica-My Magdalene-Vicarious (Mythica)

Jenn Cleary-Doesn't Make Sense-Breakin' Loose (Independent)
Brilliant observations about the organized superstition known as Church.

Fairport Convention- Billion Dollar Bash-Fairport Chronicles (A&M)
Oooo baby...ooo wheee!

Outside The Box

This is the telephone box [correction: it's the cable box] behind my apartment building. It looks as if someone opened the box door and fired a shotgun through it from behind at point-blank range. This would have left a mark -to say the least- on the facing building as well as the vehicles in the shot's path, mine included. Luckily, I found nothing of the sort.
I have no idea what happened here but my phone still works.
Perhaps it's more wire-tapped than it was before?

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Tonight I made well over a hundred dollars for a single evening's work and I didn't have to blow Eliot Spitzer to get it.
I was the 'Team Lead' for a crew of 15 temps assigned to work at a home foreclosure auction at the Convention Center. The event went very smoothly. Compared to my recent stint as a stagehand, it was a cakewalk; I had a good crew- some of whom I had worked with on other assignments- that helped make my job easy.
Our client informed me that she was very, very pleased with my team and that she would send a note to that effect to my boss. Yeah!
I've already impressed my new boss by repairing a smoking, broken-down vehicle in her parking lot using nothing but a borrowed screw driver - and now I have completed my first 'lead' assignment in a timely and competent manner. I hope my 'roll' continues!

Now for a series of Public Service Announcements:

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Management tip: When you address your staff, do so with clarity and respect and they will do better work for you. This simple approach applies to all but the most incorrigible of worker, yet it is often overlooked by management. Tsk. Try it. C'mon.

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I admit that I have tried the drug mentioned in this article . It was during my last visit to Chicago in 2006. I wasn't going to blog much about it because I do not wish to be in any way responsible for what might happen to an unwary user, nor do I generally wish to encourage drug use, although I do favor de-criminalization of certain things ( whole 'nother post, there).

Regarding salvia divornorum, in my opinion it would be better if most people just didn't know that it exists, but the fact is, people are gonna use drugs, so a little education can't hurt and now that salvia has broken into the mainstream media, I feel obligated to say a few words by way of warning.

Salvia Divinorum is making headlines as the "New Marijuana". It isn't.

Pot smokers pay heed: SALVIA IS NOTHING AT ALL LIKE WEED. DO NOT SMOKE IT CASUALLY. Salvia is the most potent hallucinogenic drug that I have ever taken and I have tried more than my share. No amount of 'chronic' can prepare you for the salvia experience. Salvia is for serious psychonauts only. I tried it alone, but I understand that it is generally considered a bad idea to do so. A sober 'sitter' is recommended. Better yet, don't try it at all.


In my case, my first pair of tiny tokes gave me little more than a warm, happy fuzzbuzz, so I got bored and did a full-size bonghit of the stuff- a powerful 8x extract- and held it in as long as I could...within seconds, the wall of my brother's apartment became an invisible tidal wave and I was swept into a horizontal, 'flying' position and found myself gazing down from above on a flotilla of odd-looking wooden sailing ships, open to the elements, I could see that there were men rowing, some were naked, most in rags...each ship also carried carried soldiers that looked like a hodge-podge of Dungeon and Dragons rejects, not at all like the stereotype Roman Legion, some were shouting but I don't know what was said... fifteen minutes later I was back in the 'real world' with nothing but a mild, mellow buzz to show for my bizarre journey. I had remained sitting upright in a chair the entire time...whew! It was an experience unlike anything I've ever had and I quite enjoyed it.

That being said, I will probably never do it again. The dosages aren't easy to control and I have a feeling that overdoing it would be very, very dangerous. If you are a stoner or have kids who might be dabbling, please be aware of the incredible potency of this stuff. It is no joke.

This article presents a somewhat different view than mine, but I do agree that it shouldn't be made illegal...that would only encourage rebellious kids to seek it out and create yet another black market complete with a corresponding spike in the socially counter-productive incarceration of drug offenders. (A whole 'nother post for that)
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Two questions:

1) Are you registered to vote? If not, tsk...don't complain about BushCo if you were too apathetic to vote against it.

2) Do you have a library card? If not, get one ASAP. You will do yourself and your community a favor when you obtain a card and use it. If library membership and usage increases , it will be easier for libraries to make a case for continued and/or increased funding...a significant number of lower-income people (like myself) depend on our libraries for our reading and other needs, so please do us a good turn and check out a book. Help yourself out by reading it! Mind the due date, please.

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That is all.

FU-WHAM!

Q:If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound?

A:Yes. Sometimes a very loud one.

It's a dumb question but there are dumber ones.

This is the dumb question that made me completely lose track of what I was thinking:

" How do I work myspace?"

That is an actual question voiced over the telephone about an hour ago. It was directed at me by someone exactly half my age during a discussion about something else.

I was unable to respond. My first urge was to hang up. My second was to hurl a string of curses and insults into the phone and then hang up.

Instead,I played it back in my head. Perhaps I misheard.

"What did you ask me? "

"How do you work myspace? I can't find it."

At this point I'm about ready to take my phone to the river and drown it like a burlap sack full of deformed kittens.

"You don't. You type the name I gave you into Google and hit search. Then click the link at the very top. You will be directed to that person's Myspace."

"Oh. Does it cost anything?"

"Only if you let it."

"What does that mean?"

"Dude, I don't know squat about myspace. You can listen to that person's music though- free."

"How much does it cost to buy one?"

"Buy one what?"

"Buy a Myspace."

"Dude, my oven just exploded- there's pieces of frozen pizza lodged like shrapnel in the walls of my kitchen. I gotta go."

"But, but... I have more questions."

Roomies?

My boss has been out with a toothache, so I haven't had much time to blog, eat lunch , read the news or do any of the other things that make my otherwise dreary day bearable.
I've got a temp helping me, but training takes time too...fortunately she's pretty quick.
I'm stressed out enough from waiting for the results of my X-Rays- not in yet!?- and the last thing I needed was a mountain of unexpected paperwork.

It wasn't as bad as I thought and I got it worked out by lunchtime, so I decided to catch up on my personal mail. My penpals cheer me up.

Emails from local sources are more of a mixed bag.

Have you ever had two good friends quarrel with each other and found yourself unable to comfortably choose sides because they both have valid points? Well, I have two sets of friends doing it right now and it's people who I see at least once a week or so...they have all sent me their manifestos denouncing each other and asking me to join them- which isn't possible.

My brain is imploding while it tries to sort through eight sides of four arguments, none of which are presented very clearly. I am used to clarity in writing and these jeremiads are full of bizarre references and distracting, irrelevant personal info and opinions.

I don't know why I am in the middle of this, perhaps I am the lone undecided member of our group? I don't understand and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

A few months ago, a different situation arose that was at least partially my responsibility, and my friends didn't listen to me when I said it was me. They put most of it on my other friend and he left. I felt that there was probably more too it, that sometimes personalities don't mix and unreasonable differences arise between reasonable people- it wasn't my business to ask why, which was the answer I received when I asked. In a nice way.

But now, I wonder if that incident wasn't more than a mis-handled case of bad communication.

The idea of being played by my friends against my friends revolts me, but it's a damned difficult noose to elude. I don't have- or want- enough objective information to wholly commit to any one camp.
I feel like I'm being drawn and quartered by people I care about.
It sucks.
I think I may be paranoid, but once melted, twice shy, as they don't say.

Anyway, after lunch the temp- who is looking for a new apt- wanted to show me an email she had received in reply to a roommates advert. It was curiously worded- to the uninitiated reader anyway: "discreet household, myself and two to three women, ages generally between 25 and 45...we are very private and considerate, what happens here, stays here...excellent home for open-minded woman, B/L OK. Also great opportunity for computer savvy housemate to earn $$$ helping with home business."

What did I think, she asked?

"Well, I think this is a swinger's ad looking for new talent and maybe a webmaster for their homemade porno site. But that's just a guess."

The phone rang. I answered with the company greeting.

It was a confused sounding man with a gravelly smoker's voice.

"Uh, is this...I'm trying to reach [ the temp]"

Oh, hoh! I could tell that this was the guy from the email...I passed her the phone. We sit two feet apart, so it's hard not to eavesdrop- but she waved me to stay and listen.

"Well, I'm at work and I don't have any pictures here and I don't have a computer at my current place...uh, I don't know...I'd have to see the place. Of course. OK."

"What?"

"He's going to send me pics of the house- and the housemates."

"Five bucks says he sends you nude shots."

"I'm not taking that bet."

A few minutes later she got a Yahoo message. With attachments.

We watched as her outdated PC slowly loaded the pics.

Hmmm...dude is nude. Full frontal. The temp giggles.

"Whoa, he is in good shape for an old man." She is 43. Dude is obviously older. Eeep.

Next, up popped a boner pic.

A close-up of Ol' Wrinkleneck. I was happily surprised to note that mine is bigger...most of the porn I've seen makes me feel a bit puny.

Finally we had a pair of three-way FFM shots. At least we think that's what it was...one person was of indeterminate gender , their face and crotch being hidden by another face and another crotch and all.

"Well, OK. These are posed shots. It's home porn. This would actually be an awesome way to make a living if exhibitionism and orgies gets your freak."

"I don't think so. Maybe lingerie or underwear...not that."

She was staring at the boner pic. Intently.

"I can't believe he sent me a donger."

Fallentown Phone Conversation # 899

I gather my wits, re-fill my coffee, take a deep breath and finally make the call I've been wanting to make for a couple days.

"Hello."

"Oh. Hello...I didn't recognize the number...the name looks like a legal firm."

"Yeah, I'm at work- it's a law office."

" Lawyers? Doesn't seem like you...I didn't get that project finished yet, but I will..."

" Oh, don't worry about that, I was calling to ask you-"

"Hey, I ran into so-and -so the other day and you were playing his band and..."

A twenty -minute ramble ensues, my opinion is solicited.

"Well, if he says it's true , then it is. I've known him for a long time and he's totally reliable...I think I've known him 20 years, about as long as I've known you."

"Nineteen."

"Nineteen?"

"We've known each other since 1988. Nineteen years."

"Really?"

"Well, I'd seen you at (this place, that place etc) in 1986 and 1987, but I didn't meet you until 1988."

"No shit. You remember all that?"

This is great to hear! She's been checking me out since 1986? Awesome. My timing is perfect today, I can feel it.

"Yep. 1988 was the year I broke up with..."

OK, I get the break-up story, followed by a lament about having no social life and no friends anymore since everyone got married and had kids, and yeah I totally relate to that...

"Well, it's funny you say that- I was calling to see if you wanted to go out Saturday. I don't feel like going to D.C. and I thought maybe we could have dinner instead- cook in or eat out, your choice."

"......."

"Huh?"

"IsthislikeadateorisitbusinessrelatedorbothbecauseIthinkImightbegivingyouthewrongimpressionImean IlikeyoubutjustnotlikethatbutIwishIcouldmeetsomeonewhoislikeyoubutisn'tyou"

"Could you repeat that? A little slower?"

"No."