Friday, August 31, 2007

Wide Stance, Narrow Mind

I'm sure you've heard the story of Sen. Larry Craig (R-Top) by now. According to Craig, his splay-legged defecatory crouch led to his arrest in a Minneapolis airport restroom. Either that, or he was reaching for a non-existent piece of toilet paper in such a manner that an undercover detective felt obliged to intervene. In any case, he got busted with his pants down.
( Query: When you use public toilets, do you pick up stray bits of paper with your bare hands? Mr. Craig claims to. Yuck.)

Not surprisingly, Sen. Craig is an outspokenly anti-gay conservative Republican. He is so anti-gay that the words "I'm not gay" keep popping up on the tape recording of his arrest and I'm sure he'll repeat them when he resigns.

When uttered by 'straight' white conservative men, the phrases: "I'm not gay", "I support family values" and "I oppose the gay agenda" seem to be code for: " I suck cock in public toilets."

Remember this guy?


Even after Ted Haggard got exposed for doing meth with gay hookers he referred to his sexual orientation as a "problem." After three weeks of 'therapy' , Haggard publicly declared that he was cured and that he is now and always has been " completely heterosexual", whatever that means.
Haggard was a rabidly anti-gay conservative who passionately preached against his own secret practices until he got outed by a gay prostitute.


How about Tom DeLay? Sure signs that you are in deep trouble include:

- Having to explain your idiosyncratic style of defecation to a detective.

- Having Tom DeLay defend your honor.

Disgraced ex-Congressman Tom DeLay tried to cover for Craig and his ilk by pointing out that the kettle is also black. Delay's defense of Craig was bizarre. First he said he wanted to hear "the facts" - this is after Craig had plead guilty and the facts had pre-empted hours of cable news, including the GAO report that refutes the Bush claim that the 'surge' is working. He then began pointing fingers at Democrats and the "biased" media ; claiming that the Craig story was diverting attention from our victory in Iraq. What victory? What media bias?
The fact that DeLay is given any credibility at all seems to be at odds with GOP claims that the media has a liberal bias...having Tom DeLay speak about corruption is akin to having O.J. Simpson lecture on domestic violence. They are both experts, just not the kind you want on your side.


Do you know who William Bennett is?

He was Secretary of Education and the so-called 'drug czar' under the Reagan/Bush regime. He lost the ill-considered 'War on Drugs' and subsequently amassed a huge fortune as an author, consultant and public speaker on the subjects of ethics and morality.
In 2003 it was discovered that he had spent a considerable amount of that fortune on Las Vegas slot machines.

Can you see a pattern emerging? I have heard it referred to as "he who smelt it, dealt it."

With this pattern in mind, let me introduce you to Ron Luce.

Watch a chilling video excerpt here.

Luce is a self-appointed messenger of God and his mission is to protect the virtue of teenagers. He is very, very concerned about teenage sexuality- his ministry is actually named Teen Mania. Luce holds Nuremberg-style rallies called 'BattleCry' where pyrotechnics, Jumbotron TV screens and rock music are used to preach his message of abstinence and humility.

He claims the 'secular media' are brainwashing our children and he uses the trappings of a Kiss concert to deliver this message to an audience of chanting, swaying, brainwashed teens.
His justification for his campus dress code (long skirts, minimal flesh) is exactly the same as that of the Taliban- that men just can't be held responsible for the terrible things they might do if they catch a glimpse of feminine pulchritude.

I'm not the inveterate gambler that Bill Bennett is, but I'd wager that the odds are pretty good that Luce's pattern will eventually emerge, if you know what I mean.

Anyone wanna bet?

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Update

My grandmother made it through the surgeries. My hat is off to the great docs at Winchester Memorial who saved her life by finding some previously over-looked problems. Tuesday, she was as white as the Blogger post field- last night her color had returned and she was lucid, if exhausted. With luck, she'll be home by next week. I'm home now.

This morning I noticed my left driver-side tire was bald on the edge to the point of showing mesh. The other three are like-new. I just drove 700 interstate miles with a tire that could blow any second- I think my tires were seriously pushed out of alignment when I hit that deer- the wear is extreme. It was pulling hard to left too...and it's leaking oil. Great.

Hopefully I'll have something less utilitarian and more entertaining to write soon- right now I'm putting together a database for the radio station because I miss my spreadsheets so much...it should keep me busy for a little while and help keep my as-yet unwanted job skills sharp!

Thanks for all the well wishes and emails and stuff. I hope everyone is well and I hope I'll be back around shortly.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

3 A.M.Blog

I arrived at the hospital with perfect timing. My grandmother was just starting to wake up after having a stint placed in her heart early this morning. She recognized me, that's a good sign, she was dopey but awake. The doctor came in and told us that it went well and she'd likely be released tomorrow- Friday at the latest.
As if on cue, Grandma started retching black blood. A nurse scrambled over with a pan, and when my gran rolled over slightly to lean into the pan, there was a large stain of red blood under her.
The little room became filled with doctors, nurses and machines; my dad, our family friend Sharon and myself were ushered to Waiting Room A, CCU; we were there until nearly 11 pm.

At 11pm, Nurse Amber said we had five minutes to see Grandma. She was bleeding badly and was receiving her fourth transfusion- the blood-thinning drugs used to prevent clots around her new stint were causing her to bleed internally- hopefully an infusion of platelets would reverse the drug's actions and she could be mended with endoscopic surgery- it's normally not a very risky procedure but it seems she needs it from both ends and that's hard on a 87 year old woman with heart and lung disease.
Without surgery she has no chance, so it's the only option.
I drove home late this night/morning. I need to grab some clothes and get a key made in the morning so I can get someone to feed my cats. I'll have to call the Twin in Chicago before he leaves for work and tell him to get ready to come home again.

I hope this is another false alarm, but I fear it's not. My mother made the same retching sounds- exactly the same- the day before she died. Until today, I had only heard that sound from one person. It's not something that you forget.

Goodbye felt like goodbye.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Neurotica and Errata

Lots of debris in the water today. Some is flotsam, some is jetsam.

- I just saw George Bush give Hillary Clinton what will probably be a large spike in the polls- she was speaking at the Livestrong Cancer Forum, which cable news was carrying live- her speech was interrupted by a cutaway to Bush standing on the tarmac, announcing that Alberto Gonzales had finally resigned. (The Good News: Gonzales resigned! The Bad News: He was Attorney General for 2 1/2 years...)
When the broadcast returned to Clinton, she had the opportunity make a quick campaign speech, calling for the appointment of an honorable AG and a return to Constitutional law.
Was the timing of Bush's speech coincidental? Was it meant to interrupt Clinton's health-care speech or was it intended to give her ratings a boost by giving her the chance to give an immediate, high-profile response to the Presidential announcement? There are people on both sides who feel that the GOP wants the Dems to nominate Clinton; the tacit understanding being that America is not ready to elect a woman. I am not sure myself, but there's only one way to find out.

-One of my fantasy political tickets is Theodore and Franklin Roosevelt. Ted wouldn't be afraid of the insurance and pharmaceutical companies and Franklin was really good at creating social programs that actually worked. Sadly, they are both dead.
It's interesting to note that FDR was confined to a wheelchair during the latter days of his presidency and he still managed to unite the country and win WWII. By contrast, Bush is one of the healthiest Presidents on record and he has not only polarized the country into opposing camps with his artificially rigid Us/Them, Black/White, Red/Blue moral binary code ; he's also lost two wars, a major U.S. city and our global reputation.
I wish Steve Hawking were running (in a figurative sense) for President, but he is too smart for politics.

- I keep hearing variations of this statement: "I really like what Dennis Kucinich says. Too bad he can't get elected." Why can't he? He's smart, sincere, articulate and well-informed. He isn't afraid to tell you exactly what he thinks.
Oh.
He is a vegan. I'm guessing that the 25% of Americans who still support Bush think that vegan is synonymous with pagan. That same 25% haven't got a clue what pagans or vegans are, they just know that they are against them.

-I don't know if America is ready to elect a woman or a black man to the White House but I do know we aren't ready to vote for a vegetarian.

-I am hesitant to call Mike Vick's conviction 'good news'. 'Good news' would be waking up and realizing the whole sorry spectacle was just a fragment of a really bad nightmare. Justice? Maybe. Personally, I'd give him a football crafted from steak tartare and line him up against eleven hungry pit bulls- if he could score a 100-yard rushing touchdown through that pack, he'd be exonerated. Vick claims he has found God. This defense worked for Daniel- would it work for Vick?

-Note: If Vick were a high-profile Republican operative instead of an apolitical NFL athlete, he'd probably get a White House pardon and a photo-op with Barney, the Bush dog. Just sayin'.


- I have bad news. My grandmother is going back into the hospital tomorrow morning. She's been having chest pains and this morning her cardiologist said she was a "time bomb ready to explode" and that she needs at least one more 'stint' to fix heart blockage. It has to be done immediately. I'll be going home tomorrow so I can be there when she wakes up, but I am scared. I heard fear in my grandmother's voice. She hasn't sounded scared since 1990- the year my granpa died.
My dad has a laptop, so I hope I can post some good news soon.

- I hate hospitals.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's my play list from The New Breakfast Snob, Sunday Aug.26th.:

Chieftains- The Session
Blue Oyster Cult- Career of Evil
Pretty Things- Sickle Clowns
Alan Parsons Project- I Wouldn't Want to Be Like Dave
Captain Beefheart- Same Old Blues
Be Bop Deluxe- Blazing Apostles
Emerson Lake and Palmer- New Orleans
Little Feat- Old Folks Boogie
Hot Tuna- Keep on Truckin'
Jethro Tull- Journeyman
Bob Dylan- Mozambique
Tuxedomoon- Jinx
Snakefinger- 8 1/4
Cocteau Twins- Seekers are Lovers
Gong- Shamal
Steve Hillage- Serotonin
Damien Dempsey- Marching Season
Eleni mandell- I Believe in Spring

Guest DJ segment by my friend George:

Teddy Hill and His Orch.-Uptown Rhapsody
Roy Eldridge and his orch.-Wabash Stomp
Django Rhinehart- Limehouse Blues

Cool!

Back to me:

The Kinks- Death of a Clown
Danielle Dax- Ostrich
King Crimson- I Talk to the Wind
Can- She Brings the Rain
Soft Boys- Love Poisoning
Jefferson Airplane- Feel so Good

Sunday, August 26, 2007

It's All Connected

There's an old parlor game called something along the lines of : Seven Degrees of Francis Bacon. The game is really more of a connect-the-dots exercise than the study in inductive reasoning suggested by the name- in it, one person gives another person the name of a celebrity. That person then has to mentally link the celeb with Sir Francis Bacon using seven or fewer 'connections' to do so.
For example, you might say: Brian Dennehy. Then I would have to find a relationship between Mr. Dennehy and Sir Francis in seven or fewer steps.

This one is easy:

1: Dennehy played a Montague in the 1990's movie version of Romeo and Juliet.
2: R & J was based on a play of the same name, written by some guy named Shakespeare.
3: Shakespeare's plays were written by Sir Francis Bacon.*

Ta-Da!

This week's 1980's playlist is full of strange and not-so-strange connections. Some I will explain, others I won't.


Opal
- She's a Diamond
This band features Kendra Smith, who also played with the Dream Syndicate. I forgot to play the DS. First song in and I've already fucked it up. Oh well.

Rickie Lee Jones- Jukebox Fury
This is good.

Cyndi Lauper- She Bop
Rumor has it that this song is about female masturbation, but everyone knows women don't do that. I have no idea what this song is really about- glaucoma, maybe? She mentions going blind.

Dukes of Stratosphere- Vanishing Girl
Do you miss me as much as I miss you? I hope not. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone, including you.

Danielle Dax- Flashback
Wipe that frown!

Thomas Dolby- One of Our Submarines
Missing...missing...missing...

Bernie Krause- Jungle Shoes
Cool funky synth-based instrumental with animal noises mixed in. For Ruby.

Romeo Void- Flashflood
This is for Whim. The first line of the song mentions a puddle on an apartment floor.

Devo- Jerkin' Back and Forth
I can totally relate to the lyrics of this horny instrumental. By 'horny', I refer to the catchy horn section featured on it. Back and Forth is three words? Fuck. Who knew?

Joe Jackson- Fifty Dollar Love Affair
Actually, it was six hundred dollars. I have the collection notice to prove it. Thanks.

Elvis Costello- Every Day I Write The Book
Dedicated to my very first Vanishing Girl.

Oingo Boingo- Fill the Void
For VG #2. Patterns hurt.

Pat Benatar- I Need a Lover
Consider this statement:Virginia is for lovers, therefore all Virginians are lovers. Sir Francis Bacon would label that statement as extremely weak inductive reasoning.
(Notes: John Cougar Melonhead wrote this song for Benatar. Pat Benatar is from Richmond, Va. And it's from 1979, not the 80's. Oh well...)


Frank Zappa- G-Spot Tornado
Another instrumental with great lyrics. Can anyone tell me what this song has in common with the next one? (Hint:It involves laziness on the part of yours truly)

Screaming Tribesmen- In His Shoes
Well?

The Bangles- Let It Go
I am dedicating songs to people who have forgotten that I exist. I must be nuts.

X- Come Back To Me
One cannot return to where one has never been. Were you ever really here?

Lou Reed- My Friend George
My friend George came into the studio and hung out with me for a while, soaking up the air-conditioning. Hey George! What's the word?

Mother Gong- Mirror
One of the more obscure offshoots of pioneering European psychedelic band Gong. Gong have their own planet and it is populated with Pot Head Pixies (PHP) who drive around in Teapot Taxis. It's not surprising that I am a huge fan of Gong.

Steve Hillage - Waiting
Steve, of course, was the best guitar player Gong ever had. This solo album is part of a two- record set called Day and Night. One album is white and has open eyes on the cover. The other is black and features closed eyes. Steve is a flake but he's an amazing musician.

Stranglers- Skin Deep
Remember when she got up and walked out with the Other Guy? That happened to me too.

The Kinks- Better Things
Here's wishing...

King Crimson- Frame by Frame
I used to think that this title was a film reference. Now that paranoia has taken over my life, I think it means Frame as in setting someone else up to take the blame, e.g., why is there red dye all over my album collection?

Tuxedomoon- What Use?
Favorite lyric: "What's the use in feeling betrayed?" Indeed.

Tom Tom Club -It's a Foxy World
Equal pay for equal work. The Eighties are over and things are still uneven. I suspect they always will be, but at least we can try. Music helps.

Talking Heads-Seen and not Heard
The Talking Heads contain members of the Tom Tom Club. King Crimson guitarist Adrian Belew plays on this album, 1980's Remain In Light. I explained it all in great detail to a caller. I love my callers and they actually love me back- that almost never happens in 'real life'...sigh.

Tom Verlaine- Present Arrived
I know you got that. You're welcome.

XTC- Seagulls Screaming Kiss Her, Kiss Her
He who hesitates is lost...good things come to he who waits. I hate it when platitudes conflict.

Golden Palominos- The Push and the Shove
I'm still steamed over how I got fired. Why did it have to be like that?

The Residents- Why Didn't I Think of That?
Ha!

Snakefinger- Smelly Tongues
Snake was my hero. He played guitar with the Residents. Curiously, I briefly played in a band with ex-Richmonder John Cook, who replaced Snake after Snake died. Snake passed away a few weeks after I met him at a Richmond show. Life is weird.

My radio shows are the shortest two hours of my week. I can't believe it's over already. Good thing I have another one tomorrow morning.


*this might not be true

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Your Comment Is The Most Fucked-Up Thing Ever


Yesterday I got a phone call from a friend of mine who happens to be a blogger. They were a little agitated. What's up?

"Do you wanna see the most fucked-up thing, ever?"

"Um, I'm already watching that. It's on TV right now."

We were thinking of two completely different Most Fucked-Up Things Ever. That's part of the diabolic nature of MFUTEs- they should be singular but in reality they are infinite. I'll post about my MFUTE later, but my buddy's MFUTE took the form of a comment left on their blog.
Could I take a look at it?

If you took an infinite number of monkeys , gave them an infinite amount of bathtub-grade LSD
and made them fight each other for the right to randomly type on a single keyboard, you'd get a more coherent text than the nigh-infinite comment that was my friend's MFUTE.
It consisted of dozens of paragraphs of Unibomberesque rantings - it made my eyeball hurt to look at it, but I did note that it had absolutely nothing to do with my friend's blog. In fact, it looked exactly like the kind of lunatic spam that my old pal Jerky used to get on his sorely-missed website, the Daily Dirt. He'd get dozens of letters like this every week, but his site was extremely political and in the wave of post-9/11 nationlistic hysteria, the simple act of criticizing Dubya was 100% guaranteed to garner at least a few ALL CAPS DEATH THREATS, not to mention dozens of schizophrenic manifestos such as the one my friend received. There's no shortage of avoidable lunacy on the web, but it's never fun when it seeks you out.

"I have never seen anything this insane...why would they put this on my blog? "

"This is some crackpot's personal agenda- I'm sure it makes sense to him , but I'm glad it doesn't make sense to you. It's probably on his clipboard and he's hopping blogs and pasting it everywhere he can. I bet if you spent sometime trolling other blog's comments, you'll see this rant posted over and over again."

Sure enough, a cursory morning skim of some of my fave blogs revealed that some of them had been gifted with the mystery jeremiad. It's probably grabbing URLs from our blogrolls and spreading itself, so there's a good chance you have already received it.

I got mine at 2:13 am. The weird thing is, the 'hit' didn't show up on my traffic counter at all. The Unispammer is using some sort of proxy or software to mask his tracks...anyone got any info on this? It puzzles me.

I hadn't planned on posting about this- my drafts are piling up-but after seeing traces of the Unicomment on other blogs, I'd thought I'd toss it out there- please note that the title of this post does not refer to your comments.

-------------------
Shameless Plug: Get your fix of obscure 1980's music by streaming my radio show, Songs From the Big Hair, today from 3-5 PM, EST.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

A Cautionary Toy

My formative years were fraught with disappointment, stupidity, guilt, brutality and Sea Monkeys.
I'm not kidding. I can't even look at this ad without feeling like I'm dredging up a mucky mnemonic boot brimming with bitterness and remorse.


I put a lot of work into getting ripped off on the monkey scam. A lot of planets had to align just so to allow me to order the monkeys - as children we rarely stayed in one place for the requisite 6-8 weeks required for postal delivery; having a fixed mailing address meant that things at home were relatively stable- which was unusual, to say the least.
To my dad's credit, he was around during this episode.
He gave me a dollar and tried to warn me about the Sea Monkeys, but I wouldn't listen.

"Are you sure that this is what you want to buy? You only have one dollar to spend. That's a lot of money. "

He knew the Sea Monkeys were a scam. It was one of the very few things he and mom agreed on. She echoed dad's words.

"Are you sure? You'll have to take care of them.They might not be what you think."

"Of course I'm sure I want the Sea Monkeys! I'm five fucking years old! I'll believe anything if I think it'll provide even a passing diversion from the despair that your divorce is causing me."

Well, I didn't exactly say that. More likely I just pouted. But I did get permission to send away for the Monkeys.

*SPOILER WARNING*

I think most of us know the truth behind Sea Monkeys by now. They are Artemia Salina , i.e., brine shrimp. They don't look anything like the cavorting pink cuties in the advert.
This is what they look like. For scale, imagine the object below is roughly the same size as a deodorant stick:


If I had any common sense I'd have known that the fanciful critters in the comic ad were bullshit, but hey, I was five.

The Sea Monkeys were not as advertised, but they were worth the dollar for the lessons I learned from them:

1) Always read the fine print.
2) Be careful what you wish for.
3) A fool and his money are soon parted.

All standard rite of passage stuff, not exactly good times, but valuable life lessons nonetheless. Surely there can't be any long-term emotional damage resulting from the Sea Monkeys, could there? Everybody goes through a Sea Monkey moment- get over it, eh?

Ah, should that it be so easy. See, those little shrimp did hatch. Inside 24 hours I had a goldfish bowl brimming with tiny aquatic roaches. They weren't much to look at and they didn't do squat by way of tricks.
My mother's aquarium was much more fun to watch. There was a little pink castle in the aquarium , just like the one in the advertisement above. Coincidently, my mom loved angelfish, one of which also appears in the comic clipping.

My mom had already nixed my idea to raise my monkeys in her aquarium. She didn't tell me why- she just said "it wouldn't be good for them." I didn't know what she meant but I obeyed her. The monkeys stayed in the fishbowl. As pets go, they were a crashing bore.

It wasn't long before I had a plan. I thought my monkeys might benefit from some company. Perhaps a new playmate might inspire them to get bigger and more interesting...I stood on a chair and used mom's little green net to scoop an angelfish out of the aquarium and drop it --ploop!--into my tiny Sea Monkey world. Such friends they'd be!

I waited breathlessly for the monkeys to cheerfully greet their bowl-mate. They didn't do that.

I didn't expect what happened next, but it did cure my boredom.

If you drop an angelfish into a bowl of Sea Monkeys , the fish will eat until all the monkeys are gone or the fish dies, whichever occurs first. In this case, it was both. The poor angelfish, which was as bloated as it's puffer cousin, wasn't swimming correctly. It wasn't swimming at all.

Oh shit. I'd better put it back in the aquarium and hope mom doesn't notice.

She noticed.

"Did you put those little fuckers in my tank?", she asked.

"No."

"Then why is my fish leaking Sea Monkeys?"

I had become a killer.

-----------------------------------------------

NEXT: Yogurt and cultured genocide.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

My Bad Attitude

I'm starting to get fed up with having my resume posted on HotJobs. I get emails from them everyday, but they are never from employers that I have applied to- all I get is spam. The first one I received is excerpted here:

Dear Allan ,

In a recent review of online resumes, I was impressed by your qualifications and feel that you would be a great candidate for the position of Administrative Assistants with World_Voice_News, the fastest-growing online news organization in the world.

For this particular position, we’re looking for someone who is organized, reliable and self-motivated. If you do join World_Voice_News as an Administrative Assistants, you’ll be responsible for making travel and meeting arrangements...

Compensation for World_Voice_News’s Administrative Assistantss is extremely competitive, including an annual salary ranging from $35,000 to $50,000, with the potential...
Sounds pretty good, right? Let's look closer. The weird underscored font gives this the appearance of an old-fashioned form letter, because that is what it is.

"If you do join World_Voice_News as an Administrative Assistantss"...geez.
I cannot join as an Administrative Assistantss. I am singular. Assistantss are plural. The extra "s" only serves to put me into a hissy, sibilant mood.

I wouldn't want to be an AA at the World_Voice_News- I would rather be a proofreader. The potential for overtime is enormous- I mean, this is a business letter and it has typos that Word should catch. A good AA, such as myself, would never allow such sloppy writing into a professional correspondence.

By now, I'm already pretty skeptical of the W_V_N, but I check out the link anyway.
It's a scam. It's a generic application site- the same one you'll be directed to if you are reading the W_V_N , determine that "this is the place for me" and click on the careers link.
(If you feel "at home" reading the W_V_N...well, I'm sorry to hear that.)
At the bottom I see this:
(click yes or no)




If you've ever opened one of those "Take Surveys at Home" emails, you know what comes next- screen after screen of Great Offers and Exclusive Deals on crap that you don't need and can't afford- hell, a lot of it I can't even take seriously- sorry, but nobody gives away BMWs via random email drawings-what this is an attempt to gather data and sell it to advertisers.

So I say, screw this, I wanna see what the W_V_N is. I read a lot of on-line news and I have never heard of them. What are they about?
You can draw your own conclusions, but the headlines include:

"Democrats Concede Surge is Working"
"California Democrat Charged with Assault"
"More Evidence Refute Warming Theories"

and my favorite:
"Who is Ellen Bowen and why is Gross Pointe Talking about Her?"

You won't find much in the way of answers in the article referenced above, which is almost entirely comprised of questions and sentence fragments. This is the opening line:

"I have been following this story for some time now, at Grosse Pointe South High School concerning Ellen Bowen, a teacher, award-winning program director and very well respected by parents, community members, and former students. "


Dude, that isn't a sentence- it's a mess. What is the subject? I? This story? Who or what is "and very well respected"?...Yeah, I know one can extrapolate the meaning from the mess, but the reader shouldn't have to.
This is supposed to be journalism. It requires clarity on the part of the writer- the reader shouldn't have to untangle a verbal mess in order to deduce the meaning.
Worst of all, the writer is a teacher.
This is the closing line, which also fails to qualify as a complete, coherent sentence:

As an educator myself, I am appalled, disgusted and shocked at the community of Grosse Pointe to show such hatred to a teacher who is exceptional.


Aaargh. (Here is a readable article, if anyone cares)

This is how the writer describes himself, emphasis added:
" [Mr. X ] is an educator, specializing in mathematics in the Grand Rapids, MI elementary schools. A proud investigative reporter for the Michigan school systems, and a creative journalist whose stories stimulate you to think. As a coach, mentor, role model, visionary, public speaker and philanthropist in the community, Mr. [X] has created many unique, nationally known programs to honor students.
It's All About the Kids!"

Dude. I thought I was the most humble man on Earth, but your humility is so awesome that it wounds my pride.

I do have a question though: Do your programs honor ( pay tribute to) students or are they for [H]onor students?

Mr X is an investigative reporter who has created many nationally known programs...his rather unique name is given in the article, one shouldn't have to be an ace reporter to combine his name with words like "school" and " student" and use search engines to find these programs.

I couldn't find the programs, but I did find a pdf file containing the minutes from an Aug. 3rd,2005 "Level 3 SPHCM" meeting that the author attended, which includes this note:

5.2 (Microwave Fire Alert)
Three microwave fires were reported where food was either re-heated or cooked without being supervised. An email was sent out by [Mr. X] and [Mrs. Y] to inform all staff regarding fire risks.
Dude! Way to save the children! It took two teachers to send out an email reminding the other teachers to stop burning their fucking popcorn? That's a sad sign of the sorry state of affairs in our public school system...maybe somebody should do some investigative reporting on that.

Try this headline:
"Blogger Exposes Microwave Crisis in Michigan Schools"

Like that one? I wrote it myself.

Note to W_V_N's editors: I was able to find and collate this data in less than an hour. As well as Proofreader, I would like to be considered for the position of Investigative Reporter. I would be considerably more current and objective than:

"How the Marshall Plan Won the Cold War"
Seriously. That's not breaking news or investigative reporting. It's an opinion piece on post -WWII history.

Anyway, the following day I got another email:

Dear Allan ,

The resume you recently posted online has been brought to my attention... you may have the skills needed to fill an Administrative Assistant position we are seeking to fill.
<snip>
The national employee placement organization, National_Human_Resources...

National_Human_Resources constantly seeks out experienced professionals...

The Administrative Assistant position with National_Human_Resources provides support services for small businesses and executives by editing documents, arranging schedules and making travel arrangements...
<snip>
The compensation package for the Administrative Assistant position ranges from $30-$35K annually...

Look familiar?
Yep. It's the exact same form as the W_V_N , just on a different template.

Seriously, if you guys need help with investigative journalism, I'm right here. I can fact-check your stories and proof your copy before I finish my first box of morning donuts. Here's a free piece of editorial advice, sort of a goodwill gesture to let you know that I really can be a valuable cog in your machine-

Tip: Use the same font, size and format on every article. Otherwise, your newspaper runs the risk of looking like it's cut-and-pasted from emails and blogs.

Looking forward to your response.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Chinese Fire Drill -or- Why I Hate the Weather Wizard

Sweet Regina's gone to China,
cross-legged on the floor

Of a burning jet that's smoothly flying

Burning Airlines give you so much more
-Brian Eno

I don't think conspiracy theories need to be limited to paranoid delusions of malign collusions- it's pretty hard to look at this wreckage and imagine that anyone survived without some sort of mysterious but well-meaning outside help. You have probably seen the footage by now- the clip with the ant-sized passengers scurrying out of both ends of a winged fireball...even knowing how it ends, it's difficult to watch without halfway expecting the outcome to change for the worse...thankfully, it doesn't. How did they all survive?

This near-catastrophe bears the unmistakable hallmarks of a SuperHero rescue- a passenger jet, a mysterious disaster, a miraculous last-second save with lots of wreckage and minimal casualties...

When I heard that everyone survived , my first thought was that Superman must have saved them- but I have been told that Superman doesn't exist, so I am forced to conclude that this was the work of The Flash (pictured) and the Invisible Girl (no photo available).

I'm guessing that the Flash and the Invisible Girl were on board during the flight when the villainous Weather Wizard(see below) caused lightning to hit the engine, setting it afire; this was noted by the quick-thinking Invisible Girl, who kept a telekinetic force-field around the engine until the plane could land. Once it touched down, the Flash scooped the passengers up and got them to the exits before he and the IG dashed off to capture the Weather Wizard*, only allowing the flames to take over once all the passengers were safe. The duo, being super-humble as well as mindful of their Secret Identities, did not return to take credit for their derring-do.

It's comforting to believe that superheroes are looking out for us, but the truth is that The Flash and The I-Girl are the intellectual properties of rival comic publishers and they would never co-operate in real-life. They live in separate universes.

I have another theory, it's much less plausible than rescue by spandex-wearing heroes, but it's a possibility nonetheless.
Perhaps, sensing that things were seriously wrong on the plane, the passengers just instinctively went into action and did what they needed to do in order to escape. Maybe some ordinary people did some super-heroic deeds- we might never know that, but we can be pretty certain that nobody on board had time to change into their crime-fighting costume and spout a few expository paragraphs regarding their tragic Secret Origin and their subsequent quest for Justice...they had other problems to deal with.

They dealt.

Yeah, I know it ain't much compared to the daily global bloodshed we witness, but at least for one moment, when the chips were down and every flippin' second was literally life or death, a planeload of strangers were able to pull together, get out ; get out alive and unscathed. I doubt they had time to think, they just reacted. Apparently, they did everything right- all it would have taken was one person to seriously fuck-up and dozens of people could have been killed, but they didn't fuck-up and they weren't killed.

Superman can't save us and I often tend to think no one can...but we don't need Superman's help-all we have to do is wait- the Vulcans will eventually save us from ourselves.
I saw it on TV.

-----------------------------------------
* I have been harboring a super- grudge against the Weather Wizard for decades. The man has the Super-Power to change the fuckin' weather and he uses it to rob banks, hold up candy stores and play spin-the -hero with the Flash?
Pathetic.

If I was the Wiz, I'd sell rain to desert nations that could pay me in oil. I'd deflect hurricanes back out to sea- not out of the goodness of my heart, but for profit. Keep me supplied with weed and I'd make damned sure Jamaica never saw another tropical storm... I'd repair the ozone layer and turn global warming into a global protection racket. I would save the world and get rich doing it.

"Hey Flash! Why don'tcha thwart my evil plan to end this drought?"

Superheroes would be powerless in the face of this benign amorality.

I would call myself a Good Guy, even if my benevolence was just a front for my avarice- only in the comics do the Bad Guys give themselves convenient labels like The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, Doctor Crime, #7 or Turdblossom .

Hmmm. Maybe super-villains really are evil.

Next stop: Arkham.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Jazzed


Exactly one reader might know why hearing "jazzed" breaks my heart. It shouldn't, but it does. It's a perfectly good non-word; just not for me.
Anyhow, we had a Jazz Emergency and I wound up hosting one of our Jazz shows directly following my own, non-Jazz program. Our resident Jazz Man set me up with a couple CD's, which I will get to , but first, my show -
The New Breakfast Snob, Sun Aug 19
:

Brian Eno- SkySaw
Eno. E-no. Not Emo. What the hell is wrong with you kids today? You haven't heard of Brian Eno? You should get up earlier and listen to more radio- sheesh.

Genesis-Can Utility and the Coastliners
I bet you kids didn't know there was a time when Phil Collins didn't suck. There was- in the early 1970's he played drums for Genesis. He was awesome until he stepped out from behind his drumkit. Musically, he went straight downhill- financially, he hit it BIG. Funny how that works...

Altan-Beidh Aonach Amarach
Another new (to me ) old Celtic band that I'm liking more every time I hear. It'll be worth getting a job so I can buy some of their older stuff.

Tangerine Dream- Darwin's Motel
Tangerine Dream is one of my new, old-time favorite 'morning' bands. Goes well with coffee.

Gong
- White Doves
I just can't seem to get my frenzy going. I keep playing calming, pleasant songs. Oh well.

Don McLean-If We Try
See? I'm playing goddamned love songs. At least it's a good one.

Chieftains- Morning Dew
This is old Chieftains. They've played with ten gabillion famous artists, but this song is just them.

Pentangle- Once I Had A Sweetheart
Oh, this is more like it. Recently I was trying, with difficulty, to explain to a friend how a profound sadness can sometimes be so intense- almost transcendent- that the experience is beautiful, even if you might not realize it at the time. This song is like that.

Fiona Joyce- Long Road To Travel
I'm a new fan of Joyce, who has been around for some time. I read her books a long time ago, but I was drinking a lot and don't remember much...oh, that was a different Joyce? A guy?
Get outta here...

Briege Murphy- The Sea
Listening to Celtic ballads, one gets the impression that a fishing village would be a great place to meet women. Lots of widows.

Steeleye Span- The Storyteller
And witches. The good kind.

Maire Brennan- Beating Heart
Today's got a green groove- why fight it?

Fairport Convention- Meet on the Ledge
"Don't jump!"

Pretty Things- She Says Good Morning
A caller told me that these guys sound like the Rolling Stones or the Beatles. He had it backwards. It's my belief that the Stones, The Beatles, Pink Floyd and even The Who ripped off the Pretties to some degree or another. It's not when the album was released that matters- it's when it was recorded.

Loreena McKinnett- Hearts of Space
Go buy her stuff. It's often labeled 'New Age' but I pretty much fucking hate most 'New Age' and I love this...she combines many musical elements into a unique but instantly familiar sound...entrancing.

Hot Tuna- The Water Song
Sometimes ya gotta have some guitar-pickin' and who better than Jorma Kaukonen?
(I spilled coffee on my Leo Kottke LP)

Bob Dylan- The Boxer
One great songwriter to another...

Neil Young- Sedan Delivery
Another great American songwriter...he's what? Canadian? Well, Canada fuckin' rocks then!

Soft Boys- Muriel's Hoof
Twin guitar instrumental madness. Frenzy at last!

Steve Hillage- Hello Dawn
I lost my innocence while this album played. This very copy, in fact. That's why it skips.

Robert Fripp- North Star
I really shouldn't make fun of Robert Fripp's fashion sense on-air, but I did anyway. I hope he wasn't listening.

Damien Dempsey- Celtic Tiger
Damo is one of very few current artists that I really, really want to see live. Too bad no one in America cares.

Claanad- Why Worry?
Well...I lost my job and my savings account in the same month...I have nineteen dollars until the unemployment kicks in...fuck. It could be worse. Tune in tomorrow.

Ten Years After- I'd Love to Change the World
This is one of the first songs I learned on guitar. It's a lot easier to play the song than to change the world, but it's a nice thought. If everyone was 5% nicer, it would make a difference...*sigh*

Flaming Groovies
- Whiskey Woman
Ok, Mister Caller- here's a song that really does sound a LOT like the Stones , circa Let it Bleed.
Played directly off the original Kama Sutra vinyl. I like the way that sounds...Kama Sutra vinyl...it was a old record label- a division of Buddah Records, 'natch.

Ok, so I got to play my own selections...not the case for the Jazz show...probably a good idea. My Jazz show would sound like a tribute to Sun Ra...which I like, but our audience is used to more, um, 'normal' cuts.
All I did was babysit a two-hour recording of the 2006 Detroit International Jazz Festival. After six cups of coffee, I was ready to start throwin' down my 1970's punk rock records, but this is what I wound up with:

Clayton Bros. Quintet- Sat. Night Special
Dianne Schuur- If You Want It
James Dapogny- Way Down Yonder in N.O.
Ahmad Jamal- Poinciana
Joe Locke- It Don't Mean a Thing
Johnny O'Neal- Tight
Donald Harrison- Cool Breeze
Jaco Pastorious Word of Mouth Big Band- Soul Intro/Chicken
Wait...Jaco is dead and has been for a long time. This doesn't sound like him at all.
Moutin Reunion Band- MRC
Lou Donaldson- Lou's Blues
Marcia Ball- Just Kiss Me, Baby
organissimo- Back At The Chicken Shack
Lewis Nash- Beyond the Bluebird
Shahida Nurallah-A Felicidade

Jeez, I thought I played long songs on MY show, but this list is only 14 songs...and it took two hours. I need a nap.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Not To Be Alarmed...

It seems that scarcely a day passes without word of another dangerously economical Chinese product being recalled due to safety concerns. Notably, Mattel just issued a global recall of millions of toys:
This week, Mattel (nyse: MAT - news - people ) recalled nationwide 9.3 million Chinese-made toys because of tiny magnets that could be swallowed and another 265,000 toy cars because of possible lead-paint hazards for children. Those figures were for toys sold in the United States. Worldwide, Mattel recalled 18.6 million toys, including 18.2 million magnetic toys and 436,000 die cast toy cars.
Well, duh. American manufacturing moved it's factories to overseas to cut costs- including those incurred by adhering to America's more stringent safety and labor regulations- and we were rewarded with cheap goods, the only drawback being that the products might kill you, your pets or your children.


According to at least one TV 'expert', this is a good thing and China is our "greatest friend":
A lot of people like to say, uh, scaremonger about China, right? A lot of politicians, and I know you talk about that issue all the time. I think people should be careful what they wish for on China. Ya know, if China were to revalue it’s currency or China is to start making say, toys that don’t have lead in them or food that isn’t poisonous, their costs of production are going to go up and that means prices at Wal-Mart here in the United States are going to go up too. So, I would say China is our greatest friend right now, they’re keeping prices low and they’re keeping the prices for mortgages low, too.”
-Erin Burnett, CNBC
Burnett implies that it's worth risking toxicity to ourselves and our families if we can save a few pennies.
I vehemently disagree. Perhaps I don't fit the conventional consumer profile, but I don't mind paying a bit more for cat food if it means my cats can survive eating it. If I had children, I suspect this same sense of protection would extend to them.

A big thanks to Crooks and Liars for posting a video clip of Ms. Burnett's shill...maybe it's a product of my Nixonian childhood, but I have never considered China to be America's "greatest friend". In fact, I used to have a tongue-in-cheek conspiracy theory that China had launched a covert war to destroy America and that all those $29 DVD players contained hidden incendiary devices; once a certain quota of units were sold, ensuring that the players were widely distributed, a remote signal would be issued and the DVDs would ignite, burning down a great deal of homes and causing large-scale mayhem of all sorts, paving the way for the Yellow Horde to invade...or was it the Red Menace? Red Dawn? Fiendish Fluoridators?

Of course, this was just a joke- the obvious flaw being that the Chinese own a great deal of American real estate and it might not be in their best interest to commit mass arson on their own properties-unless much of that real estate suddenly plummeted in value due to a market crash...but that's just more crazy talk.

I have a more rational theory about the Chinese toy recall. It's based on one of the most traditional incentives- vengeance. The production of these hazardous toys is payback for the American treatment of an entire generation of Chinese immigrants during the construction of our once-mighty railroad system.

The American citizens regarded the Chinese
immigrants as serious competition for their employment opportunities. This type of sentiment was further intensified by two other factors. The first was an increase in Chinese immigration after 1860. The second was the depression that started in 1873. In San Francisco, an Irish immigrant named Denis Kearny started a movement to fight the "Oriental menace". Throughout the West, there were anti-Chinese riots. Finally prompted by anti-Chinese sentiments, congress passed the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882. It ended the immigration of Chinese laborers. The Geary Act of 1892 extended the 1882 exclusion policy.

Well, guess what eventually happened to the railroads? A few weeks ago I saw a Discovery Channel show about the steel industry. In it, a factory foreman explained how his plant received thousands of tons of steel in the form of old train rails. A great deal of this was recycled and sold to China, which apparently has a nearly insatiable appetite for cheap metal...at the time I thought it was ironic that the railroads were being dismantled and sold as scrap to the descendants of the people who helped build them.

It hadn't occurred to me that some of those rails might be melted down, converted into toys, coated with lead paint , accessorized with ingestible magnets and sold back to us at our own peril.

I mean, that sounds crazy doesn't it?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

A Sign

Yesterday I saw this sign as a portent.

Usually I interpret traffic signs with a decidedly un-philosophical literalness. "STOP" simply means " stop your car." The subtext implies little more than: " look both ways before proceeding."
It's not very complicated- or at least it shouldn't be.

Yesterday, I saw this particular sign and instead of it's predictably consistent insistence to STOP, it was covered in fine, nearly illegible print. I had to get out of the car to read it.

It read something very much like this:

Stop. You are very hurt and angry right now and you don't even have a plan do you? I bet you're going to rush off and do something incredibly embarrassing, stupid or even deadly and then you will have some serious repercussions to deal with, so instead of driving off in a rage, why don't you go buy some pastry instead? I know that doughnuts aren't in the budget, but if you allow yourself to get too upset about that other thing, you will start feeling like a victim- and you aren't. You weren't betrayed- despite your protestations, you knew the truth. It wasn't hidden, you were just ignoring it in order to suit your own needs. If you insist on letting that sort of willful ignorance dictate your behavior, you will get hurt- victimized- and once you lapse into the role of resigned victimization,you will eventually pick up all the old habits of self-destruction that chronic victims tend to utilize.
In simpler terms, I bet that you could drink yourself to death in less than a month if you allow yourself to give in to the sadness and anger that you are feeling at this moment.
These feelings will pass.

So my advice to you, as a STOP sign and a friend, is to calm the fuck down and reflect a moment. You have no one to be mad with but yourself and even that is a stretch- why can't you just give yourself a break ? What happened to all that 'fresh start' talk, eh?


In other words, life isn't that bad. You got hurt. It happens. Now you need to get over it.

It seemed like strange advice to receive from an inanimate object, but it made sense. I got back in the car and instead of purchasing a handgun, sixty dollars worth of crack cocaine and a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka, I went the other way and scored a pound of butter, two boxes of fresh (day old) muffins and a half-gallon of grape juice.

My cholesterol and my weight are perfect. I can survive a two-day buttered muffin binge without a hitch, no problem. Grape juice, according to some, is actually good for you- but I like it anyway and it goes inexplicably well with blueberry muffins...almost made me forget that I really wish I'd bought milk. Oh well. I'll live. My stomach hurts, but in a good way.

I'm considerably less sanguine about my chances of surviving a bitter, drunken, crack-fueled handgun misadventure, so I'm glad to say I that have ruled option out. I didn't need a road sign to tell me what a bad idea it is to follow that path , but it didn't hurt to have the reminder either.

I suppose that it's not a very good indication of my general mental health that I am having impromptu therapy sessions with traffic signs, but in this case it worked- with some long-distance assistance from my friends and family. Allow me to digress and offer my biggest thanks to my brother, my grandmother and my friends for offering to help with next month's bills, allowing me to finally turn on my air-conditioner (it wouldn't have been a problem if I hadn't lost my savings and my job inside a 30 day period)...fuck, I just remembered that I'm going to need extra money to buy medicine once my insurance lapses... I wonder if my stop sign offers medical treatment as well as psychological counseling?

Come to think of it, my tax dollars paid for that traffic sign- perhaps the occasional therapy session is not too much to ask for? I am a long-time advocate for socialized health-care, after all.

Anyway, I have been a bit disorientated lately. I was so busy trying to understand what was happening in the alley that I almost forgot about the traffic on the street.
Feel that warm diesel breeze? That's the bus that almost hit me.

I think I should pay attention to signs.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Am Bean Bag Chair

It's been too incredibly hot to do much of anything. Sunday, the air-conditioning at the station was conked but it was still cooler than it was outside. Without an air-conditioned office job, I'm finding it harder to blog, not easier...I can't afford A/C and I can't think clearly when it's 100 degrees in my house. I can't do much of anything but take showers and drink water...
I can't remember what I was thinking during Sunday's show, so I'll add irrelevant and somewhat prurient comments to my playlist this week instead...as if it matters.


Tangerine Dream- Rising Haul In Silence
Remember 'beanbag' chairs? They were nothing more than giant vinyl sacks loosely stuffed with tiny Styrofoam pellets and for years you could find them in the TV rooms of most American homes...well, have you ever tried to fuck on one?
Bounceless.
"Push!"
"I am!"
By this time both parties would be wallowing in a shallow puddle of plastic seat sweat...time to hit the shower,it's too hot for this. Oh man, it's so hot the cat is sleeping in the tub...hey, my building has a laundry room in the basement- it's at least ten degrees cooler down there.
What?
Occupied? Fuck.

Brian Eno- Mother Whale Eyeless
One of the worst things about being 40, single and trying to date amongst one's peer group is that no matter what you do , you are very likely to be someone's "rebound."

Quiet Sun- RongWrong
One thing that sucks about being a "rebound" is that you get to hear all the still-fresh stories about what the person before you did.

Adrian Belew- 1967
As you hear these tales, you can't help but notice how one-sided they are. If the guy was that bad, why did you stay with him so long?

Steve Hillage- Not Fade Away
Wow.OK. You just listed all the things you liked about your ex. He sounds a lot like me. Too much so, in fact. Are you sure this isn't a "rebound?" More importantly, are you sure we didn't already date and break up many, many years ago? Deja something or other...

Talking Heads- Drugs
Question for the ladies: If your lover offers you Ambien during foreplay, what sort of message is she sending?

Danielle Dax- Tomorrow Never Knows
Jesus...where the fuck am I? Blame it on the pills and the heat.

Golden Palominos- Wings
This CD trumps Ambien and beanbags.

Stranglers - Men in Black
Wear loose-fitting, light-colored clothing. Or not.

Loreena McKinnett- Gates of Istanbul
Oooo...mm-p-thump....the 'thump' is the beat with the accent.
(It's all complicated like math)
Once you get the groove, there's only six minutes left. Be optimistic and hit 'repeat', wouldja?

Marianne Faithfull- Witch's Song
Oh Godzilla...I forgot where I was. That's some serious magic. It deserves a great pagan tribute.

Patti Smith- Space Monkey
No...no way. I hate cocaine. I knew I recognized you from somewhere. Damn.
I have a great idea- why don't you get really wired and start accusing me of all the crazy shit you said your husband used to do? The more fucked-up you get, the more plausible the stories become. Really.
Not that I notice.

Pretty Things- Cold Stone
"So, are you going to write about me on your blog?"
"Yes. And I am going to play songs on the radio for you too."
"That's sweet."
"Ha."

Clannad- Banba Oir

Gong- Tried So Hard
Number two and not so sure that I feel like competing anymore.

Kinks - Yes Sir, No Sir
I hope I'm too old to get drafted.

Damien Dempsey- Colony
Happy 400th, Jamestown!

The Institutional Radio Choir
- Live Where You Can
Except here.

10 CC- Speed Kills
What is it about Scorpios and white powder drugs? Sometimes I think the Scorpio constellation should be nothing more than a parallel series of straight lines between stars.

Fiona Joyce- The Juggler
Was I being optimistic by considering myself as number two? Just how many balls are in your hands at any given time?

Jefferson Airplane- In Time
When things get rough, I like to console myself by thinking : "This will make excellent fodder for fiction someday..." and it will. But it'll have to wait.

Eleanor Shanley- Road to Glory
Maybe it's not all good or always fair, but life is the only thing worth living for.
What song is that from?


Saturday, August 11, 2007

Robo Cop-Out


Irene was looking for RoboCop when we met.

"Excuse me, but do you have any RoboCop books?", she asked as she flipped through the boxes of comic books on the table separating us. I should have told her no, I was sold out - the actor who played RoboCop, which was currently in the theaters, was a guest at the Big Comic Convention I was working- but I was immediately attracted to Irene and her fishnet-based Victorian Gothic fashion sense. I wanted to keep her at my table as long as possible. To do that, I'd tell her anything, including the truth.

"Well, I don't have any 'Robo' books down here, but I have some Robocop stashed in my room upstairs."

Her black-lined lips twitched. Was she repressing a smile or a snarl?

"That is flat-out the worst pick-up line that I have ever heard."

Her stare was an icy dagger of laughter.
Laughter?

Ha, she was teasing me! I like this. Keep going...

"But, but...I do have a few. I figured I'd hold some back in case the prices went up during the autograph sessions, but if you want I'll run upstairs and bring one down for you during my next break. No extra charge, of course."

Oh shit. I've just revealed book-dealer secrets to an attractive stranger after ten seconds of conversation. Mata Hari would have had no problems with me.

Irene looked a bit disappointed. When exactly, she wanted to know, was my next break and how much was a copy of RoboCop: The Comics Adaptation going to cost her?

"Now, and your eternal soul, to answer your respective questions."

"Excellent!"

And it was. It turned out that Irene was a student at the art school back home- we were neighbors, in fact. We both agreed that this was a good thing and that we would pick up where we left off after returning to our mutual hometown. Where we left off was the floor, the desk, the tub....well, you get the idea.

I wasn't paying much attention to conversational clues at this point. I overlooked a critical warning sign when Irene referred to my cat as an "animal companion" and I, thinking she was being sarcastic, replied that I preferred the term "feline-American".

I was kidding. She wasn't, and we had our first argument, but we were at the stage in our fledgling relationship where such things didn't seem to matter. I didn't have any problem adapting to her excellent vegan cooking and she 'overlooked' my leather shoes...it was fine for a few weeks.

Until our Big Romantic Date.

I had recently sold some Silver Age Spider-Man comics to a local restaurateur who was also a Spidey addict, and part of our negotiations included a candlelight dinner for two at his restaurant. After making sure that the kitchen could prepare a proper vegan meal, I asked Irene if she wanted to dine out, all formal-like.

Hell yeah, she said, as long as it's vegan.

So we went. It felt great, being greeted at the door and escorted to our table by the owner, being told that we were "V.I.P.s" and to feel free to order anything we wished. We were a young, poor and strange-looking couple; neither one of us was accustomed to being treated so graciously by a 'straight' establishment. It felt good.
I was doing alright by Irene, I thought.

But during our meal, she kept staring at a woman a few tables over to my left. I should have said something, asked what was up...something...but I didn't. I was too busy enjoying the moment to notice how angry Irene was getting.
I wish I had, because before we ordered desert Irene finally stood up and approached the woman whom she had been glaring at all evening.

"Ahem. I can't help but notice that you are very proud of your fur coat. Well, I hope you are proud of all the animals who suffered and died in cages so you could prance around in their skins..."

"Well, I never...", the other, older woman stood up, " what gives you the right to talk to me..."

The woman's husband, older and much larger than me, also stood up. He didn't say anything, but his look was one of contempt as the two women started yelling at each other in the nearly full dining room. I tried to avoid his eyes.

"You murderous, evil bitch!"

"Crazy punk rock whore!"

"I'll fucking kill you..."

The entire dining room stopped moving, went silent and watched the argument escalate.

Clink, said a fork.

My friend, the owner, rushed over and stage-whispered to me: "Leave. Now."

"Irene! Irene!", I interjected, "we need to leave. Now. My friend is insisting that we go."

"Cunt!"

"Slut!"

On the walk back to her apartment I couldn't think of anything to say, so I sulked instead. I guessed, correctly, that this incident had cost me one of my best comics customers. I also felt the lurking specter of The End of my time with Irene.

When we got home, she started giving me crap about my leather shoes, my belt, the beef I had "hidden" in my freezer...I am a bit ashamed to admit that I wasn't the slightest bit prepared for this attack and I crumpled. I gathered up the things I had at her place and I went home. I spent the night alone with my beef.

A few days later, a mutual friend approached me. She said Irene had been "stressed" and needed to go back to her family for a rest period. She informed me that Irene wanted me to have something, but was embarrassed to give it to me herself, so she used our friend as proxy.

She handed me a comic book inside a plastic bag.

RoboCop.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

History Repeats


One of the worst jobs I ever had was working as a temp, processing home-purchase loans at Bank of Generica. I had absolutely no background in real estate but I did possess a working knowledge of basic arithmetic and things often just didn't add up.

I would input the applicant's financial info into the system and it would often 'auto-reject' the loan for reasons of insufficient revenue - these rejections were turned over to another group and never seen by me again. I assumed that a household with a combined income of under $30k would be discouraged from taking out a 20-year mortgage on a $450,000 home.

I was wrong.

Weeks later, during a second stint at BoG, I was assigned to the group that got the rejects, as well as hundreds of thousands of new applicants- the program was called something very much like "Purchaser Rewards" and was purportedly designed to give low-income applicants a chance at buying a home by waiving the closing costs, adding bonuses and offering really low short term interest rates (subject to change after x years)...I was stunned by some of the loans that were given- it was clear that a great many of these people would never be able to pay-off their loans and that the Bank would inevitably foreclose and repossess the home, starting the cycle all over again.
I even approached a supervisor who I thought was somewhat cool and asked him if my suspicions were right- were these people being set up to lose their homes? It seemed unethical to me.

The next day I was transferred to a new dept. for training and subsequently became deathly ill- booze almost killed me and my week in intensive care sort of pushed aside my thoughts about BoG and it's questionable lending practices.

Until I read numerous articles like this:

More than 2 million hybrid adjustable rate mortgages (ARMs) come up for reset this fall - peaking in October with more than $50 billion due.

Borrowers who took out hybrid ARMs in 2004 and 2005 to secure low "teaser" rates for the first two or three years of the loan may see their monthly mortgage payments climb by 35 percent or more.

The company predicts that 2.5 million first mortgages will default this year, with little chance for improvement soon - Economy.com expects delinquencies to peak in the summer of 2008 at 3.6 percent of all outstanding mortgage debt, up from 2.9 percent during the first three months of 2007.

The worst-hit loan category will be subprime adjustable-rate mortgages (ARMs). Economy.com expects foreclosures for those loans to hit 10 percent of that group by mid-2008. The foreclosure rate for that group is currently 4 percent and was as low as 2.5 percent in 2005.

2.5 million defaults could potentially mean 2.5 million newly homeless families- in just a year! The low-wage borrowers who could just barely keep up under the temporary 'teaser' rates are now finding it impossible to make the new, increased payments and are losing their homes at an alarming rate -from 10% to 50% depending on the source- in any case, it's a sure sign that the housing 'bubble' is now as deflated and distasteful as a used condom.

The worst thing is, this was planned. The Banks knew they'd be foreclosing- they just hadn't planned on this volume of failures- their plan worked a little too well. With a great many homes getting ready to be put back on the market during a short time, it's inevitable that property values will drop, possibly below the appraisal value given at the time of the now-defaulted loans.

It's possible that the lenders will not be able to recoup their funds, and when Banks go broke, people suffer. There is some precedent in American history for exactly what is happening today- these could be the final days of the end of a modern Gilded Age. The hedge funds that were based on this speculative cycle of easy credit and quick home turnovers are in danger of being exposed as the emperor's clothes and investors are getting sweaty. The market could sink faster than a Teamster in the Hudson- or it may not.

If the statistics quoted above hold true we are in for some long-term "market correction"...and that may mean a return to the days of breadlines...except I have a difficult time imagining the current government having the desire or ability to help the millions of first-time home-losers that seem to be the inevitable by-product of these subprime lending practices. I've not seen any stats to back this up, but my own experience showed me that a great many of these teaser loans were given to working-class minorities and new immigrants- people whose hopes probably outweighed their resources when they took out the mortgages...now they may have no home - and without a home, how much hope is there?

Economists that I have read tend to give conflicting reports, so I am not sure if it's time to panic or not, but this current situation was easily predictable and it just seems to me like another in a seemingly endless series of moves by corporations and government to increase immediate, short-term financial numbers without taking a serious, considered look at the long-term results. I was an untrained office temp with a grade school education and I was able to predict that this subprime lending would soon bite everyone involved in their collective ass- if I could see it coming, you can be certain the stuffed shirts saw it too- the difference being that I do care,but I have no power, and the Banks don't care and they have all the power.

I feel terrible for the millions of people who are losing their homes and I hope that the entire market doesn't collapse soon...yeah, I know, I know- the end is always nigh, right?

It's just that sometimes it seems a lot nigher than it needs to be.

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In other job-search news:

- My local paper recently switched to the Yahoo-based 'hotjobs'. I must first disclose that I despise Yahoo...my first email was a Yahoo account and I would get hundreds of spam letters a day- something I don't get with other services- and I once made the mistake of running the Yahoo Anti-Spy program on my computer- the Yahoo program actually infected my PC with malware that I had to use Avast and Ad-aware to track down and clean...anyway, hotjobs is horrifically rife with BS "work-at-home" 1-800 numbers scams- the kind where you pay a registration fee before you get the details ...I called one that was looking for A/V technicians and was told that I had to pay a $45 dollar fee and register as a 'movie extra/model ' before I could apply for the Tech jobs.
This sent my Spidey-sense to tingling. I told the phone rep that I wanted to research the company before investing $45 in it:

"Research? What do you mean? We are right here in San Francisco... (so what, I thought, I live in VA) ...all the info is on our website and I can answer any questions..."

"I'd like to run your company through a Lexis/Nexis search (a bluff, now that I am not working in a law firm) and consult the Better Business Bureau, among other things..." (like googling blogs)

The phone rep was verbally squirming. "Please, there is no need to research us- we have been in business for nearly four years and are in good standing with everyone, including all the major studios and networks...we are a member of the BBB too..."

"OK. I'll get back to you after I check that out."

Guess what? He lied.

According to the BBB, the company in question (San Francisco- based Talent 6) is not only NOT a member of the BBB, but they have also an "unsatisfactory record" due to unresolved complaints against them.
Then I found this blog. It seemed to confirm my suspicions- there's a lot of ID switching in the comments, but there's plenty of anecdotal info against the company and the only defense is offered by the CEO himself, who calls the blogger a "nigger" , "dyke" and a "whore" , among other things. Later he apologizes in a truly-half-assed way, but by that time the blogger had apparently initiated legal action - it's a confusing story, but it steered me away from Talent 6.

- Hotjobs also offers openings that are listed under categories such as "administrative" or "technician" , but when you click on the link you are taken to a Military recruitment site- yeah, I'd like a job in communications technology that offers training and a chance for advancement, but not by exposing myself to combat. My instincts tell me that now would be an unwise time to enlist in the military...

- I am in love with my home fax/copier/scanner. It's the best job-hunting tool ever made- I can scan documents, fax in my resumes to places that don't accept emails and easily print out all my unemployment searches - the great Commonwealth of VA has decided that I can exist on 200 bucks a week until I find a new job- I'm thrifty, but not that thrifty- but at least it extends my 'cushion' a bit. I just have to prove that I have applied to at least three jobs per week.
I applied for three before my first cup of coffee...very easy.

Now why isn't my phone ringing?