Already In The Books

My history of poverty is well-documented by the Social Security Administration. Each year they send out a statement  containing my 'Earnings Record', starting in 1983 with my first summer job as a dishwasher and continuing all the way to 2008, a year of typically sporadic income which found me well under the official poverty standard- I even got a tax credit that year, despite claiming no dependents. According to my  SSA statement, my annual income didn't exceed the poverty level until 1999. I was 33 years old in 1999. I understand poor.

I have only exceeded the poverty threshold seven times in my twenty-six years in the labor force. There is a string of zeroes from 1991-1995...zero income? Was I in prison? That decade is hazy.

I realize that many people consider it 'bad form' to openly discuss financial matters, but if you aren't poor now, you probably will be soon, so you might as well get  used to talking about it openly. In fact, open communication may prove crucial to your very survival, because when you get down to it, the only folks who truly look out for the best interests of poor people are other poor people. They need each other.  Poor people tend to develop loose, symbiotic bartering networks; goods and services are exchanged in lieu of cash, neither party having access to the money needed to procure said goods and services from commercial sources.

Anyway, I used to be a bit reticent about my low standard of living, but with poverty on the rise and the Boomer middle-class approaching doddering homelessness, I feel the time is right  to stop considering my financial history as a source of personal shame and start referring to it as my "curricula vitae" and "professional credentials".

I'm a bona-fide expert on being poor without living poorly and I have documentation that backs it up, so it only makes sense that I should become a private consultant, teaching formerly well-to-do ex-professionals how to do simple things like cooking inexpensive, healthy meals and learning how to shop  without buying completely stupid, over-priced shit...one example would an item that caught my eye at market: a pre-packaged hot dog, already tucked inside a bleached, starchy roll and ready to be microwaved. That single-serving monstrosity cost more than an entire package of hot dog buns and almost as much as an entire pound of 'decent' franks.  
(Note:I would never recommend buying hot dogs to anyone. I'll explain why soon)

 Lesson Three in my new course will be how to shop for groceries by doing weight/cost analysis. One example I will use will be cheap hot dogs vs. 'premium' cat food. In most cases, you will find that the cat food is significantly higher in price than those bright pink frankfurters in your basket...and if your life is so harried that you can't stop to eat a better meal than a microwaved hot dog, you aren't doing your already over-stressed heart any favors by feeding it slurried pork snouts.
Consider that advice a freebie- I don't want my potential clients dying prematurely.
(That part comes during the lawsuits)


And, to be honest, I love poor folks. They are my kinda people. They understand  the utilitarian appeal of duct tape and don't mock me for wearing old shoes.

I have also noticed (and this is generalized) that less-affluent friends seem more willing to share physical items of sentimental value with me than their wealthier counterparts;  perhaps  a chronically wealthy person might perceive  a used book- one that was obviously  read many times by the previous owner- as some sort of slight or breach of decorum; but any competent poor person will recognize that they have received something that means something to the giver, and by doing so, their own value as a human being has been affirmed.
On the other hand, a wealthier person might tell you about the same book, but not give it to you- they just assume that you'll be able to drop $20 at the bookshop. I mean, it's only $20, right?

A gift means a lot when it comes from a poor person. It is likely that they had to sacrifice some small but meaningful part of their budget in order to give that gift to you. Perhaps they gave you one of their prized possessions because they knew it would thrill you and  would make you happy.  There is a certain purity in such a gift that can't be purchased, it has to an innate part of the object and has little to do with monetary price. Masters of poverty understand this.

Rich people, on  the other hand, just don't get  it. I am sure that the vast majority of  'socially-aware' charitable persons have only the best of intentions, but they haven't got a clue about what it really means to have a $25 weekly food budget.

At some point, those good intentions took a one-way train to Tartarus, and 'Poverty' is now a trendy fashion statement. Take the example above. Is this the best way to fight poverty?

What I see here is an excuse to ogle a woman's hips that is lamely disguised as enlightened socio-economic commentary. Seriously, I suddenly don't give two moldy figs about the starving kids in North Korafricastan, and am more interested in testing the elasticity of that belt than I am in fighting for the food rights of fifth-world peasants.

I'd have to add  add that despite my low income, I have never been truly homeless, have usually had some sort of 'job', and have never been in danger of starving. I usually have a car, I always have a guitar and I have a PC with amazingly fast Internet...I'm not starving by any means, and probably never will be. America is good that way. For me, anyway.

People with kids, on the other hand...

Things Could Always Be Worse

That isn't my truck in that pic but I know the feeling.

I recently had a terrifying close call. Like many such incidents, my brush with disaster felt as if it were happening in slow motion; I suppose that's appropriate in my case since it lasted almost two weeks.
I was depressed. Seriously depressed.

For me, depression is like driving over a cliff and having a fortnight to dwell on the consequences of landing on the bottom. I take ten seconds of pure free-fall terror and stretch it out into a two-week supply of free-floating anxiety...it's also a good time to hurt someone's feelings- it doesn't have to be my fault, I just have to feel bad about doing it- the guilt keeps my self-esteem at bay. Self-esteem is the enemy of depression.
If you want to be depressed, it helps to hate yourself. But not enough to change.

At first I thought I was merely lonely, so I broke two of my own rules:

-Never sleep with anyone crazier than me.
-Never sleep with a drunk.

I thought it would help- it had been a while. A long while. But it only made things worse- suddenly I was faced with the consequences of being involved with a self-destructive alcoholic woman with a fondness for theatrics and abuse.Again.

So I chickened out. I gave an ultimatum of sorts: stop drinking or stop seeing me.
I have been on the receiving end of that decree before, so I was certain of the outcome- she chose the booze, just like I always did.
And I felt like a loser and an asshole, familiar territory for me, albeit from the other side of this discussion.

Karma, it is. I ruined a few good things because I was drunk...years later, the roles have been reversed and not for the first time, but this time felt different; I was becoming tempted to return to a world I can no longer survive and that temptation was unnerving. I felt the urge to drink again, the first time in nearly three years. I know better than to have any serious involvement with a practicing alcoholic.

So I withdrew. I felt like shutting down. I couldn't get anything done...watching TV was too complicated. Writing?
I have a lot of draft.
I read toothpaste.
I put comic books in stacks and moved them from box to box without rhyme or reason.
I sorted guitar cables by length and then tossed them willy-nilly and tangled as swept webs, into a milkcrate, then 'hid' the crate behind two more just like it.
My radio show last week sucked. My friends said I sounded "shaky". Polite, they were.

But this weekend was better. I had two shows Saturday and they were a blast.
Sunday, I ate an entire gift-box of chocolate peanut turtles for breakfast and I didn't feel so good afterward, but that was OK because I got to keep re-living the delicious chocolaty turtle goodness in my mind, which did a good job of making me forget what was happening in my stomach.

Monday, the agency finally called with a job, a good thing because I am officially broke and have no income. Until now.

I am a now a file clerk at a big company that designs stuff. Today was my first day...my new boss apologized because there wasn't any work. He said most days there wouldn't be much to do, but I'd soon have computer access, so I could read CNN, play solitaire, search for jobs or whatever...huh?

At first, I thought he meant that this job is a lot more temporary than I thought- but it's indefinite, a month or two at least, probably more- but he was saying it's OK to slack off...I'll be alone in a giant-ass file room most of the time and a great deal of the work is just making PDFs out of Word docs, so I can have a radio if I want...and there is a coffee station in nearly every nook and cranny of the office labyrinth...outdoor picnic area, nice kitchen, friendly people, bookshelves of 'honor libraries' in the break rooms...I could like it there. .
Plus, I blog a lot more when I have a job.

Well, I'd better call the Twin and tell him the good news. He's probably expecting me to call for money...ha! Sad, but true.
I wish I could tell my Dad, but he's drinking and I know better than to get involved with drunks, even if I do love them.

Never Mind

I spent this morning taking a series of on-line PC skills tests for a temporary employment agency...
I'm in the top ten percentile! Top five on most...I'm advanced.

Does this mean that I have a job? No.

But I'd be good at it if I had one.

Be Careful What You Wish For

We are in the middle of our bi-annual Pledge Drive at the station; for an entire week we shamelessly beg the public for the spare change and loose dollars that make our broadcasts possible...it's a busy time for us volunteers, but it comes with it's own set of rewards- one of which is food.

Glorious food.

Of course, there are hazards involved, one of which is food.

Al, a carnivorous volunteer, was lamenting the lack of meat-based foodstuffs on our station buffet (dude, it's Green Week)...his complaint did not go unheeded.
The following day, Wendy, another one of our stalwart volunteers, brought in this delicacy, made especially for Al:

Sea of Corned Beef Hash

Goldfish Crackers and sculpted frankfurters set on a bed of Corned Beef Hash!
In the culinary arts, presentation is everything and this is presentation taken to the extreme.
I sent this pic to my best penpal. She lost two pounds just looking at it.

Al S., the meat-seeking volunteer, thought it was great. Within 24 hours, it was all gone...coincidently, so was Al.

Get well soon, buddy!

Al Gets His Wish:

( food pics by Fontaine)


Al isn't the only one that's been enjoying the festivities over the last few days...I've had a couple of good bands in the studio and I had a most excellent Sunday show, receiving a $100 pledge from two of my most loyal fans...I actually have loyal listeners!
That tickles me pink, it does... feels good. In some ways, I'm a very lucky man. I get to play my record collection on the radio and other people enjoy it...that's a high school rocker's dream come true.

I think I found my true calling this weekend. I'm not exactly sure what my calling is, but it definitely involves Rock Chicks. My friend Laura's new band played at our party Saturday and I was conscripted into taking pictures of Laura and her band:

Laura Drinking a 9.0% Alcohol Energy Drink Out of a Paper Bag While Sitting on her new Bass Amp:


Rock Chicks:


Here's a bit of weird blog/rock trivia...I first met Katie, (above, left), at a 2005 gig in Brooklyn with her old band, The Strap-Ons...that band was sharing a drummer with my old band, Polite Society... I went to a NYC gig with them where I met my blogpal Lyzard- in person!
I was drunker than a roomful of priests, but it was a great time nonetheless.

After the show, the band and I found a diner that served whiskey and pancakes...then we went to a Motel 6 where I wound up comforting a weeping teenage groupie in the stairwell and later, in the ice-machine room.

It was one of those nights.

Well, two more days of Pledge Drive...then another weekend of live music. I have a jazz artist on Saturday and an Irish folk band on Sunday. I also have a paying a job, albeit a temporary one...I'll be shilling NASCAR merchandise at the Raceway on the 2nd and 3rd of next month...if I pass the background check. I can't believe that they asked me to submit a background check for a two-day temp job at a NASCAR event, but they did.

My boss didn't make me take a drug test but she did ask me if I could cope with drunken rednecks...I'd probably have to deal with some "unruly and intoxicated" customers, she said.
At a NASCAR race? , I asked in mock disbelief.
She laughed.

Assuming I clear the background check , I'll make a month's rent in two 14- hour days - the timing couldn't be much better...and yeah, I can handle drunken rednecks.

I watched a grown man eat the food pictured above. I can handle almost anything.

A Fender, a Throne and a Set of Irish Handcuffs:

A Lot of Stuff

It was a busy weekend. The memorial and reception for my cousin were held at the nursing home where my great-aunt resides. It was a comforting service.
The lady in the picture above used to live across the street from us when I was in the 3rd grade, now she lives in the same home as my great-aunt...small world, eh?

I had to report to the temporary agency today to pick up the paperwork for a one-day job tomorrow- as I pulled into their parking lot, a cloud of white smoke billowed out from underneath the hood of my car. That's generally a sign of trouble.

I was relieved when I opened my hood and saw green coolant sprayed all over the engine compartment. That meant that it was most likely a broken hose, an easy fix even for me. On closer inspection I found two dangling, leaking hose ends, one of which had a 'do-hickey' attached to it that was supposed to join the two hoses together...one of the connector stems had broken...fuck...at least I'm lucky that it happened in a parking lot and not the highway.

I reported to the office and got my papers- I'm to be the 'Team Lead' at a foreclosure auction tomorrow night, probably selling the homes that I was forced to approve loans for during my stint at Bank of Generica-the pay is $20 an hour, which is better than most temp assignments and nearly 250% as much as I made as a stagehand...anyway, the office manager was very nice to me, she loaned me a screwdriver so I could remove my broken wotsit and even gave me a ride to the parts shop! Very kind, she was. I will do good work for her.

We arrived at the shop and I ran inside and plopped the broken doo-dad on the counter, told the parts guy that it came out of a 1990 Volvo 780 and that I needed a new one, whatever it was. He told me it was called a 'heater valve' and a new one would cost fifteen bucks.
Deal!
My boss drove us back to the office and I plugged the new piece into my system, poured a gallon of coolant into it and waited.
No leaks.
Turned the engine on.
No smoke.
Rockin'!



--------------------------------------------------
Sunday I finally managed to get back on the air. It was my first broadcast from our new studio- the Gospel Dude overslept again, so I got to start my show a little early, fine by me... man, I love our new broadcast booth!
Here's a pic of our crackerjack Jazz DJs Mike and Giz enjoying the new digs:



------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The New Breakfast Snob, Sunday March 9th, 2008


Tangerine Dream- On Crane's Passage
When I arrived at our dark, empty station I found a robot at the helm. Perhaps some melodic electronica will ease us back towards the human element.

Gong- Hymnalayas
I have extra time this morning...playin' long songs! Gospel Dude walks in, tells me that his cell phone didn't adjust it's clock and he overslept. Tsk. Snooze and lose.
I think I'll play a ten-minute song now...

Yes- Starship Trooper
The station had a huge pile of CDs that were being given away to make room for new ones...I grabbed this CD from that pile since no one else wanted it.
I think that I might be the only prog-rock enthusiast at the station. *sigh*

Savoy Brown- Take It Easy
Good advice from Kim Simmonds and Co. If something breaks, find the problem and fix it. Don't worry and don't freak out...it took me 41 years to figure this out.

Moody Blues- Eyes of a Child/Floating
As I progress in my sobriety I am continually amazed at how often I see old things in new ways. This old music speaks to that.

King Crimson- Epitaph
"If we make it we can all sit back and laugh"
It's not all fun and games.
A nod to sorrow.

Gong- You Can't Kill Me
Defiance!

Genesis- I Know What I Like
Another prog-rock CD that no one else wanted. Score!

Ray Manzarek- The Gambler
Former Doors organist's first solo album...his singing kinda sucks, but this 1974 recording is fucking great anyway. I might be the only DJ anywhere who keeps it in his rotation.

Faces- Ooo La La
'Nuff said.

Cardiacs- Mare's Nest
This band has everything I like , including a reverence for my own initials, ABC. I once saw a cut and paste of one of my playlists posted on a Cardiacs forum that is named after this rather 'in-your-face' song. It was a moment of validation for me.

Jethro Tull- Queen and Country
Still one of my all-time fave bands...Tull's War Child LP is timeless, which is kinda sad, since it's such an angry album.

Joe Strummer & Mescaleros- Get Down Moses
No moment of silence for Joe today- instead lets have five minutes of rawk!

Pretty Things- Defecting Grey
This 1967 single was deemed to be "too weird" for commercial success...it contains what may be the first-ever recorded example of what is now called "Heavy Metal".
Overdriven tubes and tape saturation, oh baby!

10,000 Maniacs- Grey Victory
Natalie once crashed at a house that I shared with a bunch of weirdos...she didn't crash with me though.
*sigh*
She did leave a grey ring around the bathtub, however.
(When you are on tour, you get dirty-no disrespect meant.)

The Kinks- Here Come The People In Grey
"...to take me away."
Muswell Hillbillies is one of the best albums of all-time. Just sayin'.

Claanad- Why Worry?
"This is not the way"

Captain Beefheart- Happy Love Song
She said, baby, how long is your song?
I said, baby, as long as you want it to be...

Alan Parsons Project- Cask Of Amontillado
Beware of people named Allan.
DJ Allan playing music by Producer Alan based on the story by writer Edgar Allan...time to run fer the hills! If you weren't so entombed, that is.

Eleanor Shanley- Road to Glory
What do Vikings have to do with Ireland? Quite a bit, actually.

Damien Dempsey- Hold Me
Dempsey is fookin' brilliant! I'm on a one-man crusade to promote him in America. My request to his label for CDs is still unanswered. *sigh*

Damien Rice & Christy Moore- Lonely Soldier
A sad song of war. Moving stuff, really.

Loreena McKinnett-Dark Night Of The Soul
There will be bad times and those times shall pass.

Damien Dempsey and Sharon Shannon- Norwegian Wood
I wish I could explain this...maybe one day. *sigh*

Anuna- Sleepsong
Fifteen hours later, a nap.



Goodnight!

Scam Alert # 9,014

Have you ever received an email or comment asking you about advertising on your blog?
I have.
The offer below is obviously bullshit, and quite possibly it's nefarious bullshit as well. I'll explain in italics below. This is a cut and paste of an email:


Hello,

We have reviewed your blogger.com blog on behalf of one of our
clients that would be interested in placing advertising with you.

Who would want their business venture linked to my blog?

Client profile :
DoingFine "http://doingfine.org/"
New projectTheme A forum dedicated to those things that came out right
and worked out fine.

When I read this I laughed so hard that I fell off my unicorn, bounced off of a pot of gold and landed in a field of rainbows and four-leaf clovers. Then I married the princess and lived happily ever after.

We'd like either a 150x150 button, 160x600 skyscraper or 468x60 full
banner (or footer). Alternatively, we may be interested in text-only
advertising.
This would be a weekly, monthly or yearly arrangement. In either case
we will require a one time, one day (24 hours) free placement in order
to test the quality and quantity of traffic your website can actually
provide*. Within this interval, we will make a final determination,
based on the traffic volume, quality, and your asking price. Should
we find your terms acceptable, this trial day will count towards the
agreed interval.

I only see two possibilities here:

1) The offer is "on-the-level", but the revenue is minuscule or less. A quick perusal of the site shows that it's only income stream is that which comes from Google ads. This is an offer to get paid a proportionate fraction of that revenue. Woo. Hoo.
If you have ever dabbled in Adsense, you know what I mean. If you haven't, don't.


2) The ad contains harmful code such as spyware, Trojans or viruses. You might lose your URL to hijackers and/or turn your reader's PCs into 'zombies'.

Kindly let us know if you would be interested, which arrangement best
suits your editorial needs, (my editor needs to point out this useless comma) and what rates you would like to charge.

(What rate I would like to charge? Golly, that sounds too good to be true!)

We prefer using PayPal but may be able to accomodate (sic) alternative
payment methods.

Thank you.

*Please note that we employ software that reliably detects autoclick
and autosurf bots, pay per click and paid to surf type traffic, and
other such non-human traffic. This may be a concern for you,
especially if you are buying "bulk traffic", or employing the
services of dubious "SEO experts".

Employing the services of a "dubious SEO expert?"
I am a "dubious SEO expert". Insulting me isn't going to encourage my participation in your venture.
I'm a dubious expert on everything, including job-searching, which brings us to our second alert. Hardly a day passes that I don't get email such as the example given below:

Dear Allan ,

We have an Executive Assistant we need to fill and the Administration experience you listed on your e-resume make you a great fit for the job. I'd like to invite you to take this opportunity to apply. Included is the basic outline of the opening.

They need to fill an Executive Assistant? Fill the Assistant with what? First, they need to hire a proofreader.
Grammatical and spelling errors are a good tip-off that you are dealing with spammers and hackers.
I hope that the unfilled Assistant looks something like this:

They go on to say that I am a good fit for the Executive Assistant that needs to be filled, but don't go into specifics. A real recruiter would make a specific reference to your resume: "Your experience as a widgeteer at Acme Co. caught my eye" etc.

Another clue is the company that is doing the purported hiring. It's always a good idea to research the company that is named. (If no name is given, it is spam.)

William Morris Agency

In this case, the company named is hugely famous and it's very unlikely that they would pull my resume out of the e-clutter for any reason whatsoever. Let's google them and see what turns up.

Gosh. Would you look at that? Right at the ding-dong top of the WMA career page:
The William Morris Agency has received numerous inquiries about job postings that do not actually exist. Prior to providing any personal information to any recruiter, please verify that the job posting is valid by contacting the office at which you seek employment.

Really? Who would have guessed? Anyway, back to the original email:


If you're interested in applying for this job or learning more about it, please click on the link below...<more deletion>

The link is to a site called Fast Job Openings dot com and it exhibits classic tell-tale signs of information mining. They ask for personal info and try to get you to sign up for "higher-education" updates and opportunities. You are given a choice of replying:
-Yes! I'm really interested in enbettering myself! Sign me up! Here's my home phone number!

-No! Me be dumb like rock. You no sign me up.

It's a ploy. If you are smart, you'll take my advice and avoid Fast Job Openings dot com and it's myriad ilk.

Certain rules are timeless and apply to all situations. Can you think of one that might apply here?
See bold-faced red text (above) for a hint.

Job!

I start a new job on Friday. I just found out a few minutes ago and I really wish my grandmother was still alive so that I could call her and tell her. She'd be very happy.

It looks to be a good one. This isn't a union state, so the pay isn't all that great, but it's a very good place for me to gain experience and meet the 'right' people. I'll be starting as a stagehand; my background in audio was a big factor in hiring me- I need some training before working the front-of-house and monitor mixers, that being my long-term objective. This is my chance to get that training. Stage work is hard and is not glamorous- it's long hours as well... for example, if the show is from 8pm-11pm, the crew is there from, say, 11 am to 3am...it's been 15 years since I did this for a living, so I'll have to adjust. It'll be easy, I think, or at least worth it. Plus, I like sound. A lot.

Here are some dates on my new work schedule as well as a site that describes my new place of employment:

March 1- The Wailers
March 7- Neville Bros.
March 10- Little Feat
March 18- Willie Nelson...Willie Nel-

Willie Nelson! Wow.
No shit? I'll be helping Willie? My karma seems to be improving...I have been worried about that lately.

April 4- Jorma Kaukonen- Jorma, late of Jefferson Airplane and Hot Tuna, is one of my all-time guitar heroes, ever. No kidding. I have huge love for this man's music.

April 15- Pat Benatar- She's from Richmond, y'know?

Oh yeah- I might have to take time off to be a roadie for the Doobie Bros. this spring... I wasn't sure if that offer was real or not, but it came from the same source as this job, I start this job Friday morning, so the Doobies may well be true...I do have good roadie skills so I'm ready if they are.


Anyway, this will be interesting.

Work From The Comfort of Home

I hope my next job comes with a chair that hasn't been pissed on by cats.

Let Me Show You Around

I am beginning to think that I'll never have a paying job again. I send at least 20 electronic applications/faxes/emails every single week and I usually get no response whatsoever. When I do get a reply, it's always discouraging.

I have a few observations and complaints:

-Some companies still send letters of rejection- "thank you, but we have found our candidate elsewhere, etc"...I have quite a collection of these. It wouldn't be such a big deal except for the fact that some of these jobs are still posted and listed as open- sometimes repeatedly, for weeks.
I have even seen my old job posted twice...I considered applying for it, but they have cut the pay and added a background check to the job criteria. Oh yeah, I forgot-I'm unemployed because they fired me for no cause...I'm sure they want me back. Riiiight.

- On the positive side, so to speak, I don't have to worry about drug tests. By the time my potential employers look at my Federal arrest record and my dismal credit rating, they don't seem willing to waste money sending me to LabCorp. I haven't peed in a cup since I was on Federal probation, which ended in 2003.

-When I compare my rejection letters to the jobs that are still posted, I find that there are quite a few offices in Richmond that would rather have an empty desk than hire me...these are jobs that I am wholly qualified for, yet I am never called- I simply get a 'sorry letter'. I have good work and personal references, but none of them have received any calls about me.
I find that odd.

-Every week , I call my old temp agencies for assignments- they almost always have some sort of file clerk position posted...until I give my name.
After I give my name , those file clerk positions become filled.
In their lieu, I am offered 'production' (warehouse) work that involves repetitive heavy lifting, something that I haven't been able to do since my surgical mishaps of two years ago.
The agencies know I can't do the work, but they offer me the jobs anyway. Why?

- Following a job interview, I used to be able to ascertain- with near 100% accuracy-whether or not I was going to be hired. I had a great instinct for 'nailed it/failed it' moments.
For 25 years this was true.
Not any more.
I've had couple interviews recently where I felt like I totally nailed it- one was at the Public Library, a job for which I am a perfect match...the interview was very friendly, almost jovial- I had mutual friends with my interview team, nice banter ensued, I was taken around and introduced to the people that I was to work with...I was in like Flynn, thought I.
Wrong.
I didn't get hired. Instead, I got a letter for my collection.

My most recent interview wasn't as optimistic. It was at the Science Museum, an old train station converted into a children's museum, complete with IMAX dome and all...a pretty cool place, really.
In 6th grade, I attended a 'nerds' program there, where I was taught how to care for tropical fish- I liked it, it was one of the very few positive school experiences I had as a kid. There are certainly worse places to work.
The job, I thought, was for a seasonal ticket-taker at the box- office. Not the most prestige in the world, but better than a lot of jobs...better than no job. Perhaps it would lead to something better...

During the interview, it was quickly established that I could run a cash register and that I could use Excel without fucking up...now for the job description.
It wasn't what I thought.

The Museum, it turns out, has recently opened a roller-skating rink.
An outdoor rink.
The surface of this rink needs to maintained on a daily basis...do you see where this is heading?
Each morning, I would come in , dump a 50 gallon barrel of chemical sludge on the surface and manually wipe it down- a sort of human Zamboni.
Then I would sell tickets and dispense skates etc.

One of my interviewers was describing the giant mop-like device they had improvised to use for the polishing process...it was quite laborious...was I able to lift 50+ lbs?

"Yes", I lied.
I am so desperate that I am willing to tell lies that could seriously jeopardize my health- I am willing to do this for $8.80 an hour.
Or at least I thought I was.

I was trying to tell them that, "yes, I am available right away"...but my voice sounded weird. Broken.
I'm a DJ, I can usually control my voice- but it was cracking and I was powerless to stop it. I was likewise helpless to stop the tears that were welling up in my eyes as I thought about my future as a polisher of roller-rinks.
I feigned a sneeze. Maybe I could fool them into believing that I had a cold and cover the truth; the truth being that the thought of spending my winter mornings polishing a skating rink makes me question my will to live.

"Ah-choo", I exclaimed, fooling no one.

I didn't get the job.

Sixty Of My Best Friends

Hooray for tonight's extra hour of downtime!
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Tomorrow morning will be the first anniversary of my weekly radio program, The New Breakfast Snob, which began as a 'one-time' only affair and soon turned into a sadomusical morning tradition- every Sunday I am awake at 6 am and on-air at 7 am, performing a two-hour tribute to my record collection- for a year I have been doing this...nuts, is what.

Today was a glorious fall day, perfect leaf-kicking stroll-taking weather...I had planned to spend the day brooding and mulling, but circumstance intervened and I found myself down at the station, substituting for another DJ- his show is mostly new music, something I don't know much about...I was literally pulling stuff off the shelves and googling info on the fly between songs...it was a lot of fun, I was tired and not feeling well, but I got some calls and messages that cheered me up:

#1: My date from the previous week called. We had been friends before I asked her out- on our date, I learned somethings I didn't know- it's no one's fault, but it's unlikely that we'll ever date...but it's very likely that we will remain friends, and that's more important in the long run, I think...not much time to talk, I'm on the air, but I'm really glad she called.

#2: A long-time friend calls to tell me that she's listening to the show, which reminds me...we've been friends for twenty years- it might be my imagination, but I have felt a shift in the way she treats me now...if I'm wrong, it won't be a big deal...the funny thing is, caller #1 is convinced that I am sleeping/have slept with caller #2. I haven't.
I get a strong impression that #1 and #2 have met , do not like each other and that I have something to do with it.
I'm such a loser that I can get two women to fight over me without actually getting laid by either one. I'm not especially happy with this unusual ability, but it's always nice getting calls from my pal; reminds me that there is an audience, ya know?

She also reminds me that I had a training session later that day...I had totally forgotten, but my friend brought it up..."it's you and two women today, eh?", she said...damn, how could I forget that?
The two women I was 'training' pretty much had it together; today they did a two hour program showcasing local female musicians and singers from the past 50 years- I was duly impressed with the foresight and research that went into it; everyone is a bit nervous on the mic, but they warmed up real good, yup- I wuz proud o' them gals. Seriously.
I'm responsible for what goes on during that show, and it's great seeing people show up prepared and excited. The enthusiasm translates well to radio.
They called it the "Yes , Ma'am" Show, heh, good banter...I asked them if they'd consider filling in for me tomorrow, as I'd like to sleep in- "No Sir!", they replied. Oh well.

I'm still sore over the way my little station was called "nonsense" at my Big TV interview...having a good time felt like revenge for those petty insults. It didn't look like anyone at Big TV were having fun. We don't get paid, but we don't need 'thick skins' either. (Usually)

Anyway, here's most of what I played. I missed few songs when the blog ate my post:

They Might Be Giants- With the Dark
Always good. Back after 10-15 years off, I think.

Kola Koca Death Squad-Power Stroke
Reviewer remark on CD: "I love the cowbell on #7!" Hell, yeah! Me too!
A DJ call: "I love that cowbell!" Yeah, me too...

Gay Dad- Joy!
For Joy. I don't know if her dad is gay...I doubt it.

Marionette- Your World
Fave local pals.

Frank Smith- Throwin' Rocks
A band, not a person. Rootsy. Good.

Stars- The Night Starts Here
Fuck. Four minutes of my life I wish I could have back.

Triffids- Suntrapper
From 1986, this CD re-release was first recorded in a sheep shearing shed 600km SE of Nowhere, Australia. I like this band, gotta get more.

Nouvelle Vague- Bela Lugosi's Dead
I like this band, but this version of the old Bauhaus classic just sorta bored me...

MGMT- Weekend Wars
I can't remember anything about this . I was explaining my vinyl fetish to a young woman, wasn't paying attention to the music.

Lovedrug- Doomsday & the Echo
By 'vinyl fetish' , I meant LP record albums - it's funny how often that gets mixed up with something else. That confusion could get interesting. Sadly, this music will not.

The Capes-Supergirls
Yep. Good powerpop. On the floor is OK.

Devandra Banhart- Samba Vex
This is bizarre. Further investigation required. The music, I mean.

Tullycraft- The Punks Are Writing Lovesongs
Silly String on rubber sheets.It sounds just like that.

New Pornographers- My rights v. Yours
Damn...this is crafty material. Slick and tight production, Beach Boys influences...interesting.

New Young Pony Club-Hiding in the Staircase
Whatever.

Arctic Monkeys- Brainstorm
I got this from a blogpal (Hi!) in the States. Love ya!

Empire Dogs- Whole Lotta Love
Back to Sweden, with love. More blogpallery!

The Blakes- Village Green
John Lennon.

Black Before Red- Underneath Gold
From Austin, TX. Catchy pop. Liked it.

The Lonely H- Meal
Hanson, but with more H. Avoid.

Alina Simone- Saw Edged Grass
Great voice, Michigan origin, I think. Add to "dig deeper" list.

Minus the Bear-Knights
It was OK.

Dragons of Zynth-Breaker
This sounds like something you'd have to be stoned to enjoy properly. Often, I find that I wind up really digging music that I initially don't 'get'...this might be that sort of thing. On the other hand it might just suck. Dig deeper.

Spoon- #5?
Finally, Spoon that I don't much like. It's still Spoon, but it's different somehow...the charm is weak on this one. Still, bad Spoon is better than most bands.

Tomorrow: More of Not the Same.

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Special thanks to all the kindness and support I have been offered lately , but I think I'll be OK for now... I am deeply moved by the camaraderie I enjoy in the real and virtual world-it's the other 99.9% of the world that pisses me off.

Thick-Skinned and Flexible

This morning I had a job interview at a local TV station, a very well-established broadcast network affiliate. This, I thought, would be the perfect way for me to put my technical skills and broadcast background to use in a professional manner- the step up to TV from radio isn't all that steep, the basic principles are the same- you have a number of incoming feeds, those feeds are directed to various storage and/or broadcast devices as needed...it's a 24/7 deadline-based environment where every second has to be accounted for. There are lots of knobs, blinking lights and VU meters. It's my kinda place and I felt well-prepared going in.

My interviewer is a middle-aged woman named Lucy who apologizes for not shaking my hand when we meet- her allergies are acting up, the leaf mold, you know- and she doesn't want me to get sick...
I wasn't aware that allergies were contagious in any sense save a hereditary one, but I decide not to ask questions...I want that job. Badly.

"I see you have some broadcast experience...", Lucy trails off, I take this as a cue to explain what I do at the radio station.

"Well", I begin," I've been with the station for nearly three years and I've logged over 120 air hours so far this year alone; that doesn't include production time on other person's programs and the training I provide..."

Lucy cuts me off. She recites the call letters of my radio station as if they were an epithet.

"I found your station by scrolling the dial. By accident."

She pauses until that word settles in, then continues," The DJ was playing jazz. Then it was bluegrass."

"Well, yes," I start to explain," we have shows that cover nearly every genre, each DJ has their own niche..."

No, says Lucy, it was the same DJ. She didn't much care for what she heard, not at all- it sounded like "nonsense" to her- however, it is good that I have experience.
But.
There is another problem.

She reaches into a manila folder, pulls out my job application, turns it to face me and slides it across the table...I immediately assume it has something to do with the questions beginning: "Have you ever been convicted of...", but that is not the problem. Not yet, anyway.

"Mr. C, you do keep FCC records , do you not?"

"Well, yes, I log my own hours..."

"Then you know why this is unacceptable."

"Uh..." No, I don't.

"Your signature. It is illegible. When you sign the FCC logs, your signature must be distinct and legible. This signature is unacceptable. "

I assure her I can correct that.

Then she tells me that they are looking for someone who is "thick-skinned". There are "geniuses and prima donnas " who are hard to deal with and a person needs to be "thick-skinned and flexible" in order to work here...the exact phrase "thick-skinned and flexible" is used so repetitively that I start wondering if I am applying for the position of armadillo.

I am given a variation of the standard vacation/sick leave/scheduling policies- the main thing being that there are, of course, no Holidays off...the station is on-air 24/7...there are generous vacation hours given as compensation, as well as double holiday pay-including twice as many paid hours off as my old job, hmmm, not bad...I don't mind working on X-mas for double pay...what is the starting range?, I wonder to myself.

As if reading my mind, Lucy tells me that full-timers can start to expect to start at "just over twenty"...this is great news! I haven't made that much since I worked for the Census- back in 2000, twenty bucks an hour was a damn good wage! Gas was eighty cents a gallon, etc...

Finally, someone willing to pay me what I am worth! Woot!

"Ah, that's twenty thousand dollars a year, not twenty dollars an hour", Lucy says.

I wonder if she is a telepath. I start doing math in my head...

"It's about $9.65 an hour," Lucy tells me, adding to my fears that she can read my mind.

If Lucy had been a real telepath, she'd have kicked me out instead of giving me a facility tour at that point, because I was thinking that there was no way in hell that I could survive on under $400 per week. This isn't a cashier job- you have to know stuff- how can they expect to pay under ten bucks and still find someone qualified? The Library pays more than that to stock shelves...still waiting to hear about that.

The station tour was interesting. I love big racks of electronic devices and a TV station is a good place for that sort of thing- I was shown the "conversion shop" , which is a studio full of nearly every sound and video hardware device imaginable, along with the software to convert it to digital, edit-friendly formats. It's geek stuff, but I like it and I wish I had one of my own...here's where all the feeds are queued up, see...it's frame-by-frame, seamless, :30 to :00 and back again, all day. The job looks complicated, but it's not...but it does look interesting.

I start thinking about doing some negotiation regarding salary...I could be very useful to this station and I could learn some skills in the process...maybe if I get the part-time Library job, I can somehow schedule the two together so that I can get enough hours to make ends meet...wheels are turning...hmm.

Lucy wants me to meet her boss. He is the one I will see for my second interview, which seems to be inevitable...we trundle down to his office and find him absent. Darn.
I'd like a chance to meet him, make a good impression for my impending money-grab.

"Ahh, JP isn't in. Too bad, I just noticed something I need to ask him..."

I give her a quizzical look and she elaborates.

"Well, I see that you have Federal criminal convictions. Five of them. That might not matter, but I'd like to ask JP about it...he is the one that will be doing the background investigation..."

What? She noticed right away that my handwriting sucks, but it took her 20 minutes to notice that I have a criminal record?

Everything changes.
Suddenly, Lucy has to make some calls...we will finish the tour during my follow-up interview.
They will call me. Next week. Maybe the week after.

Where am I parked? Lucy wants to make certain I use the nearest exit. ASAP.

That didn't go well.
I'm pretty desperate, so I call the temp agency again. Is anything coming up next week?

They have lost my file. AGAIN.
FOUR TIMES.
Four times I have been out there to take tests and fill out forms. Four times they have lost my paperwork.

I very politely explain this to the Temp Girl. I ask her to look me up in their system.

I am put on hold, which causes my anxiety to rise, so I pop a couple of Xanax. By the time Temp Girl returns, I am starting to mellow out...

"Well," she says, "I have an office position, temp-to-hire, interviewing tomorrow morning. It's just basic PC and filing, answer the phone, office stuff, ya know. Not complicated, some typing maybe...oh yes, I found all your papers too!"

Alright!

Her job pays almost three bucks an hour more than the TV job is offering.
Office work is generally easy, broadcast work is generally not, so you would think it would be the other way around...it doesn't make sense, but do I hope I get the job...or jobs. I may have to work two or three part-timers, but at least I'm getting a few calls.

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Tomorrow: I ask my landlord for a favor. One week, is all I'm asking. I have been here for seven years...just one week. Please.

Trying etc.

For years I was what is known as a 'maintenance drunk' and one of the things I was able to maintain was a body weight of 198 lbs., which made it impossible for me to fit
into the suit I'm wearing in the pic to the left.

Once, back in 2001, I drank eleven Natural Ice beers in the two hour period preceding a job interview for assistant manager at a large retail shoe store.At the interview I was drunker than a lovesick astronaut, but I somehow still got the job...on 9/11, 2001, I was promoted to store manager.


In hindsight, getting promoted on 9/11 was a bad sign.

By January 2002, the store's ownership and myself had reached an agreement: I would withdraw my unemployment claim and they would convince our regional manager not to file assault charges against me for throwing a Nine West boot at his head . He's lucky that my arm was in a sling at the time...seriously.

I am a very adaptive and capable person, but there are some jobs that I am wholly unsuited for; selling shoes, thank Godzilla, is one of them.

One thing that I know I'm really good at is putting books on a shelf. CDs too.

So I donned my suit and went to a job interview at the Public Library. The meet went really well, I thought. I was able to answer all of the questions easily and kept my two-person interview team smiling throughout- the atmosphere at the library was a lot more relaxed than I'd come to expect from my old job, which was in a truly uptight law firm.

The position I was seeking involves shelving books and little else.
After our session, I was told that I'm considerably overqualified for shelving books and that the position is only part-time. Would I still be interested?

Hmmm....

I asked about advancement from within. Mrs. J, the older woman who was interviewing me, told me she had started working PT in 1974 and was retiring soon...well, OK, then.
I'm officially interested!

I hope to hear back next week- in any case, it felt good to have an honest-to-gosh job interview. It has been a long time since I'd been to one, a real one anyway. Phone and web stuff...not so good.

It's also been a long time since I've been on a real date.
I have a date tomorrow night.
Dinner and conversation with someone I've known and liked for a long time. We met shortly before I quit drinking, so she's already seen me at my worst...tomorrow I hope to be at my best. My friend has seen me pull off some pretty amazing accomplishments( if I do say so) but to me the most amazing thing of all would be if she were to like me as much as I like her, which is to say considerably.

That's all I'm sayin'.

Help Wanted

Above is a snippet from one of my job searches. This one searches these categories: Government/Military, Insurance and Legal; three fields I have experience in.

At the top is the omnipresent banner ad for the U.S. Customs and Border Patrol.The Border Patrol , it seems, is always hiring. That ad has been at the top of this particular search for weeks or longer...I can exclude that one. I'm looking for unarmed work.

The next job is offered by a private security firm and a military/law enforcement background is preferred. I forget the exact salary, but I think it was in the $80k range, which is probably more than an honest Border Patrol agent makes.


After that:
-Management Training- Infantryman : Army National Guard. WTF?
-Language and Translator Opportunities- Navy
-Weapon Systems Technician [read:artillery]-NG
and
-News and Media Opportunities-Navy. This one pops up on my 'telecommunications' and 'admin/clerical' searches as well.

The major downside to all of these jobs involves joining the military during what will almost inevitably be a time of escalating warfare. Also, those specific jobs are not guaranteed upon enlistment.

Here are a few ways that America can fill it's military staffing needs:

- Develop and/or encourage wide-spread socioeconomic conditions that present limited financial, employment and educational opportunities to young adults ; if lower-class kids are given a choice between poverty, incarceration or enlistment , then enlistment rates will increase.
The word 'opportunities' didn't accidentally find it's way into the wording of those ads- the military is fully aware that their target audience has a dire shortage of 'opportunities'. That $20k signing bonus must look pretty sweet to a great many 18-yr olds, but not enough, apparently, or they wouldn't be swamping the civilian papers with recruitment ads.

- A draft. It would be funny as hell if Blackwater mercenaries were drafted and forced to survive on G.I. pay- and with G.I. body armor. Delicious irony aside, I hope we never resort to that again.

-Peace.

My guess is that we'll see the first two items before we see the third.


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The Democrats seem to have forgotten that we, the people, don't want any more war.
I hope I'm wrong, but it seems like almost no one in our government really wants this war to end. On the rare occasion that a Democrat tells the truth, they are shunned and rebuked by their own party.

A day after successfully sustaining President Bush’s veto of a bill to provide health insurance to 10 million children, Congressional Republicans remained in an uproar over comments made by Representative Pete Stark, Democrat of California, who accused the Republicans, in a speech on the House floor, of sending American soldiers “to Iraq to get their heads blown off for the president’s amusement.”

On Thursday, Republicans immediately demanded an apology from Mr. Stark. “Our troops in Iraq are not fighting 'for the president's amusement',” Representative John Boehner of Ohio, the Republican leader, said in a statement. “Congressman Stark should correct and clarify his statement - our troops are fighting for the financial gains of a handful of defense contractors and their network of lobbyists. To say that they are there for 'amusement' undermines the seriousness of our profit motive. Mr. Starks should apologize to defense industry shareholders and their families.”

So, at the urging of Democrat 'leaders', Starks sorta said he was kinda sorry. What he should have said is:

" Are you fucking kidding me? This war is the biggest mess in American history and it's just one of dozens of reasons that we should be pushing for impeachment- the founding fathers gave that ability to us for a reason- we need to let this and future administrations know that they are not above the law or the Constitution. What I said was mild compared to the whole truth- but you bunch of milquetoast pussies are too worried about your careers to do what THE PEOPLE want you to do. "

He continued," I propose we attach the vetoed SCHIP legislation to the President's new request for a $46 billion dollar war budget. It would give Bush a chance to save face with moderates while allowing him to blame the 'wasteful' spending on us Democrats. Personally, I don't think there's any such thing as 'wasteful spending' when it comes to the well- being of the children who will inherit America- attaching it to the war budget is our best chance of getting this important bill expanded."

"Furthermore,' Mr. Starks went on," did you know that one Senator can put a hold on a bill, requiring a 3/5 override- and you can filibuster if you have the stones- but not one of you lamefucks decided to do that with the last war budget. I move that we applaud Sen. Dodd for putting a hold on the Bush administration's unconstitutional FISA wiretapping bill, a bill which most of you were more than willing to roll over on, and follow his example by putting our nation's interests ahead of our political ambitions."

"Sen. Dodd placed that obscene bill on hold without any help from us. Are you telling me that all of us, together, can't give this administration at least a bit of the ass-kicking they so soundly deserve? Damn, at least attach SCHIP to the war money...that's totally fucking obvious, but you haven't done it yet. Sometimes I think my colleagues are almost as bad as our opponents on the other side...sheesh.
We should be ashamed of ourselves.
And by the way- fuck you and your apologies. God bless America. "

That's what he shoulda said.

Fear of Paranoia

A few weeks ago I was visiting a friend and he produced this newspaper clipping from July 22nd, 2007. That's me in the bottom left, applauding Cindy Sheehan shortly before she went to DC and got arrested.
At the time of publication, I didn't know that I was on the front of Sunday's Metro section. If my buddy Mike hadn't saved it for me, I never would have known. Thanks Mike!



At the time of this photograph, I had a job as a legal documents clerk at an extremely conservative Republican-run law firm. It was a pretty easy job and I was good at it; even though it bored and depressed me, it paid the rent and I sorely miss that paycheck, if nothing else.

On July 26th, a mere 4 days after this was printed, a manager from company HQ came to my old office and told me that they "needed to put a new face on the operation" and that "perception is reality", hence my services would no longer be needed. When pressured, he was unable to give a single, specific cause for my termination, just a lot of weasel-speak about team-building and company growth- Virginia is an "at-will" labor State, an employer can fire you whenever they want- no reason needs to be given.

I can't help but wonder if one of the partners didn't see my face in the paper and place a call to company HQ , requesting a replacement.

No reason was provided to me when I was fired.... I'm still perplexed as to what happened- I have since seen my job posted twice, the hourly wage listed on the latest ad is $10, which is significantly less than I made, and they have added drug/background screening to their criteria, something I was never confronted with. Puzzling.

Since my firing, I've had a terrible time of finding employment. My resume puts emphasis on my work as a volunteer at the radio station; a station that some here would politely describe as "leftist".
I wonder if that is hurting me rather than helping me to find work...I reply to over 20 job adverts a week and get nothing. Nothing at all.

The temporary agencies that used to be very reliable also have nothing- and it's been that way for weeks. I have been to one agency's office three times in the last 30 days because they keep 'losing my paperwork' , which makes me 'inactive'. I am not sure if this is due to bumbling or if it's because I'm blacklisted, but in either case it means no work.

Well, I did get one call. I have an interview next week, 10/23 at 1300 hours- I was given a choice of days and times so I picked the one that contained as many personal 'lucky numbers' as possible, 13, 15 and 23 being my faves...the date 10/23 = 10 +2+3 = 15!

In other words, I'm applying the same illogic that people use when buying lottery tickets to my job search. If that seems like a sign of desperation, it should.

Not that I'm superstitious, *knocks wood* , but I feel jinxed.
Wouldja mind keepin' your fingers crossed for me?

Oops!

I have jokingly heard masturbation referred to as "safe sex".

That wasn't true for legendary underground cartoonist Vaughn Bode.

He died masturbating.
More specifically, he died because he believed (or had learned) that cutting off a person's oxygen supply at the moment of sexual climax heightens the sensation of orgasm. In Bode's case it was called auto-erotic ass fixation , which I don't really understand- from his artwork, Bode seemed like more a breast man...in any case, it was a waste of a great cartoonist.

Still, I guess if you gotta get caught with a noose in one hand and your pecker in the other, you might as well be dead when it happens.
Otherwise it could be mighty embarrassing.

Sex makes us do dumb stuff, but , crimes of passion notwithstanding, there are ways to have sex without dying. Or if it does kill you, it might take years- and I don't mean from HIV or other diseases- I mean from shame.

This afternoon I was prowling local businesses with the purpose of selling radio ads. I wasn't having much luck with that, but I was enjoying flirting with the lovely young ladies working at some of the shops- I walked into one boutique and was greeted by one of the prettiest women I have ever seen.

She smiled broadly and gave me a big hug! We were old friends, hadn't seen her in years- seven, eight maybe...anyway, she looks better now than she did then and I was thinking
to myself : I would love to see her naked, preferably with that beautiful hair spilled across the head of my bed...

Then it hit me. I have already seen that. Many years ago.
I was too drunk to do anything about it, though.
It was pretty embarrassing...there are things a guy can do to stall for time, but if the dangle doesn't get an angle, that fact is eventually going to come up, so to speak.

There should be a book that teaches one what to do in awkward social situations:

#37: A chance meeting with a good friend with whom you have had bad sex.
What to do?

-Ask them for money.
I tried to sell her some ads. It might happen.

-Mention that you quit drinking.
Find out she's got a S.O. who might be a drunk. Change subject.
Too late...we briefly and sadly discussed mutual friends who have died of drug and drink... however, this was still better than talking about the boner I couldn't get in 1998.

-Give them your autograph.
My friend actually had a copy of my 2000 CD, Extinction, sitting in the stack behind the counter. There were only a couple dozen of these made - I made each one by hand, using a DAT deck for the master and a Phillips stand-alone CD recorder for the copies.
(Time required to record a 70 minute CD? 70 minutes!)
So she asked me to sign her copy, you know, in case I get famous, she can eBay it when I die hehehe...
I was happy to oblige:

Dear xxxx,
Sorry about last time,
Allan C...

Riding My Own Llama

Tuesday I got de-hired from my new job at the music store. I think my new boss had figured out that I was going to quit as soon as I possibly could, so he saved me the trouble and sent me home as soon as I arrived. I wish he'd spared me the aggravation of listening to how hard it was to run your own business, how none of his employees ever 'produced'- that all they were interested in was being 'rock stars' etc- and how he really needed someone he could count on but couldn't find anyone...boo fucking hoo.

For eight bucks an hour, you can count on me.
You can count on me not showing up and not giving a shit.
Double that wage and I'll work my ass off for you.
It's not complicated but no one gets it.

I'm not interested in glamor- I want a steady paycheck. Why are you complaining to me about the 'rocker' kids that you hire- who else are you gonna attract if you pay McWages? Rock stars?

I've given up on being a rock star a long time ago. I've shared a stage with the Red Hot Chili Peppers and several girlfriends with GWAR. That's closer to fame than I ever needed to be... if I need my ego stroked, I'll dedicate a two-hour radio show to myself and then go home and blog about it.

Obviously, my ego needs strokin'- so I did exactly that. I dedicated today's broadcast to me, talked about how great I am and backed it up with songs that famous people wrote just for me.

Well...I had some stuff for other people too.


When I got to the station, the robots were running the place...the morning dude had not shown up. I played a pair lengthy, spacey cuts and a couple of classics while I restored human control to the broadcast booth.

Tranquility Bass- Five Miles High

Tangerine Dream- Rising Haul In Silence
Billie Holliday- Don't Explain
I was expecting the early AM DJ to call around this time to let me know that he had overslept again- he didn't call. He was still asleep.

Bob Marley- Sugar, Sugar
It's hard to stay mad while listening to this early 60's Jamaican single. Hard, but not impossible.

Now it's 7AM and time for my show:

The New Breakfast Snob, Sunday Sept. 23

Neil Young- Ride My Llama
When we got on ship/ he brought out something for the trip He said "it's old, but it's good"/ Like any other primitive would
This is for my mother. She collected Camel cigarette paraphernalia; after she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, she modified the 'Camel' logos to read 'Llama'.
Mom had a weird sense of humor. I loved her for that.

Renaissance- On the Frontier
I'm not sure that I can like this band. Two of the dudes have mullets. The music is OK, but they have mullets...

Arlo Guthrie- Wheel Of Fortune
I am certain that I like Arlo Guthrie. No mullet for Arlo, but I sure wish he'd wear a helmet when he motorbikes...

M.H.Price/R.Crumb- Bigfoot Barefoot Stomp
From the soundtrack to R.Crumb:The Musical.
My favorite cartoonist of all time...I have his autograph- that is a rare thing!



Victor Banana- Slumber Precious
Another soundtrack based on an underground comix artist's work. This is adapted from A Velvet Glove Cast in Iron by Dan Clowes, who is best known for the movie Ghost World, which is based on characters from his Eightball comic series.
Dedicated to DJ Sleeper.

Kinks- Situation Vacant
'Situation Vacant' is the British way of saying 'Help Wanted'. I have been reading a lot of those ads lately. Too many.

Grace Slick/Paul Kantner- Harp Tree Lament
Here. Let me cry myself a river.

Steely Dan- Kings
This is for YDG and all my other Texas buddies...I hear that Steely Dans are illegal in your state- perhaps I should pack a few bags, head south and work as a covert door-to-door dildo salesman.
I think the Dan might be singing about King Nixon, but we still have at least one Dick in the White House.

Sweetwater- In a Rainbow
It's a 60's song that mentions 'colors'. It might be about drugs- according to people who have obviously not read FCC regulations, it is against the law to play songs that reference drugs.

Altan-Eoghainan O Ragadan
There's a ridiculous amount of FCC paranoia these days. Eventually, I'll be reduced to playing nothing but instrumentals and songs sung in Gaelic.
This song's title translates to: "Pig-Fuckers and Shit-Eaters".
(Not really)

Loreena McKennitt- Mystic's Dream
McKennitt often has themes of a somewhat paganistic, mystical sort- this, of course, makes her a raving Anti-Christian animal-worshipper ( not really)- but it's probably illegal to play her music anyway- it's that good.

Jethro Tull- Nothing is Easy
I usually play a Tull cut for my colleague, the redoubtable Mr. Jazz, but this one is for Whim.

Be Bop Deluxe- Love with the Madman
If you hang 'round here much longer
You'll be driven crazy with the wonder
of it all
(air guitar goes here)
I had an on-air contest. First caller wins a date with me!
No takers.

Steve Hillage- It's All Too Much (live)
The love I see all around me makes me feel like a starvation artist at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Not that I'm bitter.

Adrian Belew- Oh Daddy
This is for my childhood friend Ron, who was actually awake and listening.
Ron gets up early now that he is a new daddy! Congrats to R & M & A!


10 CC - Fresh Air for my Momma
For my mother. I really miss her.

Quicksilver Messenger Service- Fresh Air
Oh crap. It's another hippie song that might be about getting high...boy, I'm really pushing the envelope here. Or I would be if it was still 1970.
While I was announcing this song, the early AM guy called- he had nearly broken his collarbone the day before and overslept - dude!
Don't play football without pads.

Lou Reed- Average Guy
I worry that my liver's swollen and it hurts to the touch...
Two years ago, my liver was swollen and tender - it was unknown whether it would heal enough for me to live a 'normal' life. It did, but my life is anything but 'normal'.

Captain Beefheart- Dropout Boogie
Can't get a job, can't get a job/Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do?
I honestly don't fucking know. Keep failing until I succeed or die? Look for a couch? An alley?

Iron Butterfly- Are You Happy?
If you answer yes to this question, then I will too. That would be groovy.

Emerson, Lake & Palmer- L.A. Nights
I wanted to play The Doors L.A. Woman for Ruby, but my copy is scratched beyond playability- this at least has L.A. in the title. It's an instrumental, but a lot of people take drugs in L.A. , especially at night, so it's probably against regs to play this song.

Gong- Shamal
These devious Frenchpersons try to make you believe that the line "deep within you" refers to
the "spirit that guides"- hah!
Nice try, Frenchie!
This is obviously hardcore pornography disguised as jazz fusion; it encourage American teenagers to become stoned, pregnant heathens. Don't listen to those awesome jazz xylophone runs- those are placed there by Satan to distract you from the Truth in much the same manner that the Devil planted all those 'dinosaur' bones in the Earth 6,000 years ago to fool you into believing in Darwin.

The Who - Love Ain't For Keepin'/My Wife
Most people don't know it, but I would actually like to get married someday. Not likely, though.
I mean, killers on Death Row get marriage proposals, but I can't even get a date- I'm too much of a wimp to kill anyone- so I think my chances for marriage are pretty slim.

Velvet Underground- Oh Sweet Nothing
Um.

Eleni Mandell- Man in the Paper Hat
Eleni gets it. Tin-Foil hats are like wearing an antennae on your head- a paper hat is much better suited for deflecting mind-control rays.
I have a crush on Eleni but she doesn't know I exist.

Pentangle- Once I had a Sweetheart
If you think this about you, it probably is.

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NFL Note: Enough with the goddamn throwback uniforms- I keep thinking that it's Saturday and I'm watching college ball...you are fucking with my head, maaaann...