Facebook

Alright, so I tried Facebook and found out that I liked it. So what? I mean,I can quit whenever I want. Right?
Anyway, this blog isn't exactly anonymous, so find me if you want to, but please, for Godzilla's sake, please, spell my first name correctly.

Anyhow...

I have heard more than a few folks refer to Facebook as 'FaceCrack', a pun on the highly-addictive instant gratification offered by social networks and by processed cocaine; but I think the analogy is incorrect...it's a matter of degree, really.

Facebook more resembles powdered cocaine than it does crack.

Let's break down the coke analogy a bit:

Blogging: Old-fashioned Blogging (like this) is akin to chewing raw coca leaves- it'll get you where you need to go, but it's a slow process, requiring substantial energy output before seeing any results. It's so slow that weeks, months or even years may pass before you realize that you are as high as you ever really needed to be, which is not very, really....on the positive side, it's possible to chew coca leaves and maintain a balance between outside awareness and self-reflection. At least that's what the chewers say.

Facebook/Myplace etc: These sites are like powdered coke. Someone else has done a lot of the work for you, but you still have to chop it up and pass it around, which requires a bit of interaction with the world around you, virtual or not. If you want to smoke it properly, you'll need to do a bit of very basic chemistry first. And no, I'm not explaining it.
In any case, it's possible to snort cocaine and have a functional, socialized personality- at least that's what the snorters tell me.

Twitter: From the outside, Twitter looks a lot like crack. It appears to be all about the 'Me-Now' and doesn't seem to lend itself to hindsight, insight, foresight or reflective thoughts of any sort whatsoever...but I may be wrong, having never tried it.

I do, however, know that from a snorter's perspective, smoking seems to offer a transcendental, epiphanic rush not available via the straw-and-mirror method...I also know that this is a false perception and that crackheads, in actuality, are more likely to experience a grande mal seizure than they are to enjoy a personal epiphany.

Of course, nobody is going to steal your car stereo just so they can Twitter for one more Tweet. They will heist your iPhone and jack your Wi-Fi instead.

I'm enough of a leaf-chewer to realize that one of my personality defects is my prodigious ability to extemporaneously exclaim exactly the wrong thing- it's what makes me such a great live radio DJ and world-famous blogger...in any case, I don't quite trust myself with Twitter. Yet.

I've been on Facebook for two days and I think I've already fucked it up...of course, I felt the same thing after my third day of blogging, but that is different- this blog was never 'right', but it was never really meant to be and I'm (generally) unapologetic about the content here- but I'm already regretting certain Facebook statements.

Sorry 'bout that.

Lone Star Romance

(If you click the pic, you'll be taken to a slide show featuring the entire comic)

This here is an unfinished rough draft of a comic that I wrote in the late nineties, art by Richard Menustik. I found it at the bottom of box of old books as I cleaned my apartment today.
I chopped it into a slide show for your amusement. I had forgotten this comic (but not the story)...
I suddenly feel like doing comics again. Too bad my drawings suck.

Note: It's much easier to read it if you hit "pause" and advance the slides manually.

Craigslist: Skid Row or Leper Colony?

I called a faraway friend last night, hoping to have a stimulating intellectual discussion regarding some profound socioeconomic insights that occurred to me during a fit of philosophical mania.

*ring*

She didn't even say 'hello'! She just picked up the phone and immediately jumped in with:

"OK! Tell me who you are dating!"

Geez. Are all women so preoccupied with sex?
I sure hope so. My sanity depends on it.

Anyway...she was referring to an off-hand remark I made in a previous post regarding dating, but I didn't have a specific answer :

"Um, I meant I was dating in general. Asking women out, I mean... I'd given up for a while. I even got so desperate that..."

I was getting ready to tell her that I'd answered a few 'craigslist' ads recently and that from my perusal of the ads already posted, I had come to the conclusion that if you are looking for anything of importance on craigslist, it's a sign that your life has, in some significant manner, hit rock-bottom.

Craigslist, I have determined, is the modern equivalent of a medieval bazaar; teeming with pickpockets and vendors of exotic, counterfeit goods; rife with diseased courtesans and 'employers' ready to conscript the unwary into a career of indentured servitude- it's not a safe place to be naive.

Before I could impart this pearl of wisdom , my friend read me the text of her own personal ad that she had tried to post on craigslist. It appealed to me but I'm already fond of her so it's hard to be objective...anyway, she indicated that her experience with replies was not so good.

Nor was mine, I said. I recently had a brief , engaging flurry of correspondence with a clever young lady and it looked as if a meeting was inevitable- until she challenged me to a drinking contest!
I was obligated to reply that I was a recovering alcoholic and that I could drink her under the table even if it killed me, which it most certainly would.
That was the end of our correspondence.

I also answered an ad from a woman who said she just wanted to meet someone for intelligent conversation over coffee.
She just wanted someone to talk to.
I want that too, so I wrote and asked her if she'd like to have a cup of coffee with me. She didn't reply.

I must note that I'm looking in the 35-45 age group and I can't help but wonder why so many women expect to find a man in that demographic that "doesn't have baggage"...by the time you are 40, you are gonna have baggage. Period.
The best one can hope for, to paraphrase my friend Liz, is to: "find someone who has luggage that matches yours."
Additionally, why even bother to ask for 'honesty'? Is that stipulation going to deter liars? Sheesh...why not just ask Santa for a pony?

So I posted my own ad:

***************************

Three Things I Got Going For Me

1)My penis is larger than my thumb.

2)My brain is larger than a golfball.

3)I'm not married.

Anything else would be bragging.

*******************************


If this doesn't get me laid, nothing will. That is my deepest fear.
On the bright side, I'll save a small fortune in condoms...have you priced them lately? Geez.


Then there are the help-wanted ads. I scan them daily and I see an awful lot of ads that look like this one, pasted verbatim from craigslist:

$#$-Perfect positions for anyone with office and clerical experience. Will train, if needed. Earn while you learn.***Start today. Email resume and references.-

Location: FT/PT
Compensation: (*)-$22/hr.(*)

I have absolutely no idea what all the dollar signs, parenthetical asterisks and bizarre punctuation indicate, but the pay seems to be negative twenty-two dollars per hour, which makes more sense than an entry-level office job that pays positive $22/hr.

These are fake ads that are designed to extract personal information from your resume-and from your references.

If you don't believe me, create a 'fake' email account and answer one of these ads- send them a fake resume that details your criminal history; noting that, despite what your last employer and the judge said, you were innocent of the embezzling charges...include your new email account on the fake resume.
Within hours, you will start getting 'job offers' sent to that account.
Seriously.
This type of scam is so pervasive that permutations of the phrase " william morris job agency scam" have become one of my top blog traffic drivers.
Go ahead, type it into Google w/o quotes...you'll see that I'm #5 or 6 out of over a half-million.

But I'm going to be living in my car and showering at the station if I don't find a job soon, so I took a chance and posted an ad under the 'Barter' heading":

******************************************

TIME FOR MONEY

I would like to trade 40-45 hours of my personal time for a paycheck, a recurring weekly basis would be optimal but I'm not in a position to be picky.

During the agreed-upon hours, you can instruct me to do your paperwork; help your customers;set up your computers and/or home electronics; cook your meals; record your band's demo tape; wash your car; mow your lawn; ghostwrite your novel; wash your dishes; feed your pets etc...at this point there isn't much I wouldn't do. I'm educated, experienced and dependable.
Offers of room, board and a modest stipend will be considered.

****************************************************

Yesterday I got a FWD from someone who really should know better. It reads, in part ( my notes in italics):

THIS TOOK TWO PAGES OF THE TUESDAY USA TODAY - IT IS FOR REAL
(No, it didn't and no, it isn't- ed.)

I'm an attorney, And I know the law. This thing is for real.

(You aren't an attorney in America. American attorneys know English. And You don't.)

Bill Gates sharing his fortune. If you ignore this, You will repent la ter.

( Translation: This is a chain letter )

It goes on to say that Microsoft will pay you hundreds of dollars for every person you forward this to:
For every person that you forward t his e-mail to, Microsoft will pay you $245.00 For every person that you sent it to that forwards it on, Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and for every third person...yadda yadda yadda.

*********************************8

In other words, Bill Gates will buy you a pony just for FWDing email.

Uh. Huh.

In the real world, what happens is this: every single person you forward this spam to becomes a new target for spammers who grab your entire contact list as soon as you FWD it.
Thanks.


Next: Check out my engorged mailbox!

In Defense Of Blog (#96 in a series of 2)

It seems that hardly a day goes by without another lurid internet scandal hitting the news. This hoax led to the suicide of a young girl- it is especially heinous because it was perpetrated by adults, not by other kids. It was done by neighbors.
One cannot help but conclude that the adults- who passed themselves off as a teenage boy- enjoyed the cruel emotional destruction that they wrought on the poor girl- there doesn't seem to be any motive other than pure evil meanness and sadism.

Cable news has created a new "reality" genre- one in which the lowest life-forms on the planet (Internet Trolls) are lured into fake trysts with underage decoys that they met in chat rooms; when they arrive at the meeting place, they are met with TV news crews and , later, the police. Strangely, many of the men (it's always men) have seen these programs, yet they can't resist the trap...and there seem to be an endless supply of these 'predators'. It's disturbing, to say the least.

All of this negative attention makes me increasingly reluctant to discuss blogging with my non-blogger pals, so I'd like to take a minute and point out a few of the positive things that blogging has brought into my life:

Yesterday I had something that I wanted to discuss with somebody- but most of my local friends know each other and this town has an amazing ability to distort gossip- so I called a long-distance blogpal and had a long talk about football, sex, politics, religion and stuff...it dawned on me that I was watching NFL football while talking on the phone with a woman about sex (and football!)- for free! A lot of men would pay for that...

...speaking of paid, I made honest money last week, and I couldn't have done it without my blog. A while back, I got a comment or two from a fellow music fan who had found my blog by googling obscure bands... we exchanged a email or three and it turned out that we live in the same city, so he came down and sat in with me one morning during my show- we found that we live exactly one block apart, small world, eh?
Last week I fed his cats for him while he moshed across England- upon his return I was rewarded with cash, a tin of travel sweets from London and assorted music-related geegaws not typically found in the US.

Honestly, I'd rather clean catshit than work for lawyers again, but I do need to find a real job soon...

Blog also helped me through the long painful months after I got sick and had to quit drinking. I quit cold turkey without any outside help, which is probably the hardest possible way- I started writing about my experiences on my blog and I soon found that I wasn't alone, which helped a lot during the worst of days.
I got hurt a few times too, but that's part of life, ya know? Stronger for it and all that...yeah.

I've been blogging nearly four years, which is a long time by blog standards. There's a big world out there that doesn't involve blogging, and I've had a slow, difficult time adjusting to it since I quit drinking- that sort of change just doesn't happen overnight- things have been really rough lately but I haven't started drinking again, so I feel like some real progress has been made...but I've also started slacking on my blog as I get more involved with real life; it's as if blog is a sort of therapy for me ( I know I'm not alone in this) and maybe, just maybe I don't need therapy as badly as I once did.
At least I hope that there is some truth in that.

Anyway, this isn't the end, not yet...I've come close to deleting this blog many,many times... something always keeps me from doing so. I've had at least a half-dozen other blogs over the last few years and never formed any sort of attachment to or from them, but this one has survived every purge, weathered every storm...and there's an election year coming up, so I imagine my political outrage will keep me on-line to some degree, but things are changing for me. There are things happening I don't feel like blogging about- perhaps they'll be fodder for future posts, perhaps not...

I've been becoming more interested in writing fiction, but I find that blog is a terrible platform for long, serialized fiction- the chapters are presented to the reader in reverse order- and the reader, unless they are well-versed in the logistics of blog, often doesn't realize this, entering in the middle or at the end...one of the first blogs I read was like that.
It wasn't until the author printed out the entire blog in manuscript form and mailed it to me that I caught on- it was excellent...that seems so long ago , but it's the sort of thing that keeps me coming back to blogworld- one of the finest unpublished writers I've ever read once sent me an entire manuscript- that never woulda happened without my own blog.
Strange things can happen- sometimes that includes good things.

Hmm...it occurs to me that I am giving myself a pep talk- and that means :

Puppies!

See ya soon.

Ungodly Ours

Two miracles to report:

A) My car is on the road again. Repair cost= $0.00. To say more would invite a jinx.

B) There are some things that a gentleman does not blog about. That didn't stop me from phoning a friend in a nearby state and giving her the details though ...I was absently watching football while I was babbling... Cleveland missed a last-second field goal by inches, first it looked good, had distance- 51 yards- then it bumped the vertical post, caromed off the horizontal crossbar , hovered in mid-air for what seemed like minutes and finally fell forward into the end zone, no good...no, they called it back...the judges ruled it first went through the posts, then bounced backwards off the back of the support beam and through them again...good for three points, which tied the game.
Good, no good, good again- it took the officials a looong time to sort it out...I was in the middle of describing my personal "yes/no/maybe/yes" scenario to my friend while this never-before-seen football spectacle unfolded on live TV.

Foreshadowing? We'll see.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last night I got an email FWD from God. It seemed that His messenger here at Fallentown-FM would be unable to host this week's Gospel Hour and hey, would I mind coming in an hour early and "getting my praise on?"

My what?

I suspect that God knows I'm an atheist. Perhaps making me do these Gospel shows at 6 am is His way of punishing me...perhaps it's my reward. The view from the top of the dung heap isn't half-bad...I can see my house from there.


Tones Of Gospel, Sunday Nov. 18:


Ray Charles- America the Beautiful
I got to 'sign on' to the public airwaves with Ray Charles singing 'America the Beautiful'.
That's pretty cool.

Aretha Franklin- What a Friend We Have In Jesus
One of my earliest and most memorable erections occurred when I was eleven years old. It was spurred by filmed footage of Aretha Franklin singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Ironic, eh?

Mavis Staples- Wade in the Water
Baptized in a holy font of burnt 7-11 coffee. Ow!

J.D. Steele Singers- How Should I See You Through My Tears?
This is from the soundtrack of The Gospel at Colonus - it was produced by Steely Dan's Donald Fagen - it's quite good. Got eyes? No?
Oh, right...

Johnny Cash- Swing Low, Sweet Chariot
Wow. More Cash to follow.

Sam Cooke- This Little Light of Mine
Eh. Filler.

Mahalia Jackson- Amazing Grace
Mahalia Jackson- Nobody Knows the Troubles
In 2006 I saw a Chicago Library exhibit featuring 'Blues Women'- there were some concert posters on display...man, Mahalia Jackson and Aretha Franklin on the same bill...what a show that must have been.

Clarence Fountain & Blind Boys - Lift Me Up (Like a Dove)
More from Gospel at Colonus...

Bill Anderson- The Rev. Mr. Black
This isn't about the Man in Black. Or is it? It's not.

Soweto Gospel Choir- Paradise Road
This band sure sounds good with coffee and sunrise.

Kitty Wells- Dust on the Bible
This woman sings about entering your house and running a white glove over your Bible, checking up on your piety.
There is a word for women like her- and it ain't 'Wiccan'.

Institutional Radio Choir- Lift Him Up
Great name.

Soweto Gospel Choir- African Dream
I think Jesus would like this band. It's a hope thing.

Loretta Lynn- On The Sweet Bye and Bye
Cash & Carter- Let the Circle be Unbroken
For Mom.
I didn't know I still had so much mourning in me.


Now.
Time to shift gears and do my regular program.

The New Breakfast Snob, Sun Nov. 18th:

Aphrodite's Child- End of the World
This song is describing a place, not an event, but it fits today's theme- whatever that is.
AC once released an album about Satan or something...it had a giant 666 on the cover, back when that still had shock value. I can't remember what that sounded like...this song is kinda wimpy...

Jethro Tull- Wind Up
Only a truly rotten bastard would play this song directly after the Gospel Hour.

Marianne Faithfull- Guilt
I know, I know...I can't help myself. The whole thing is out of my hands by now...what happens next is anyone's guess.

Johnny Cash- Personal Jesus
I may be broke, but I got Cash...there's a Cash song for every occasion.

XTC- This World Over
This sounds like the Police. End times over and out...

Kraftwerk- We Are The Robots
After the humans are gone, the world be controlled by the AI program from Civ IV.
Only then will we know peace.


The Stranglers- Paradise
"I went in search of Paradise, they said it would be good for my head"

The Kinks- Waterloo Sunset
"... they cross over the river... they are in Paradise..."




The Great Society- Grimly Forming
This was Grace Slick's band before Jefferson Airplane.
The song is about war protesters and the soldiers who shoot them...see, back in the 1960's there was this war in a place called the 'Nam...today, only one living person believes that Viet Nam was a 'good' war. Unfortunately, that man is our President.

Arlo Guthrie- Wheel of Fortune
This is for the Twin.

Chris Spedding- Breakout
The more music changes, the more it stays the same.

Pretty Things- There Will Never Be Another Day
When this LP, Emotions, was re-issued on CD, the label included a nice set of bonus tracks- the original LP was 'sweetened' with strings, horns, mellotrons and assorted production clutter intended to boost sales - I like the 'rough' mixes better.
There was another day, it turns out...

The Kinks- Jukebox Music
"It's all because of that music, that we're slowly drifting apart..."

Cocteau Twins- Evangeline
Why do I do this to myself?

Alan Parsons - To One in Paradise
Ah, dream too bright to last!

Damien Dempsey- I Believe in Love
Top 40. Really.

10 CC- Sand in My Face
Don't mock my Cherry Poptart beach towel.



Elvis Costello- Sunday's Best
It's tough on babies everywhere.

Randy Newman- Little Criminals
I bet Randy Newman would've been fun to get wasted with.

Nina Hagen- Lucky Number
Nina Hagen was so much fun to record with that her band recorded the music in Los Angeles and then sent the tapes to Berlin for Nina to finish.
I think she's hot.

Flaming Groovies- Have You Seen My Baby?
Randy Newman wrote this song. And yes, I have. I think she's hot.



Steve Hillage- Light in the Sky
Power chords and flying saucers from former Gongster guitarist. Motivation Radio!

Golden Palominos- Heaven
I should have played this during the Gospel Hour:

it feels good for a minute- all that shoving and shoving
all that screaming and moaning- but it all leads to nothing.
it feels good for a minute- all the promises sighed
all that whispering and crying- all that coming like dying


Genesis- Counting Out Time
...a more light-hearted approach to the same subject.

Neil Young- Welfare Mothers
Wow...you have more problems and less money than I do?
I think I'm in love.
Let's have babies!

Paula Cole - Happy Home

I never knew what to say to anybody,
I didn't know what to do, I was far too young
But everybody could feel the suffocation
Underneath a facade of a happy home

Paw- Seasoned Glove

Oh Daddy, where have your shoes been?
Please say that this is not my fault
Something I did-
You've been gone for such a long time
You've been gone at just the wrong time

Larry Graham- Easy Rider
Fightin' and Shuckin'!

Put The Spin On

Friday morning Mr. Hole gave me a lecture on perception and attitude.

"The way you walked out yesterday gives me the perception that you have a negative work attitude."

Huh? With rhetoric like that, who needs grammar?
Translation: I walked out yesterday and it gives him the impression I don't give a shit about my job.

I shrugged and walked out of his office. I imagine I'll be fired any day now.

That's OK. Yesterday I told Mr. Hole that I was pretty disappointed that they had fired my boss, but that if someone was going to replace him, it should have been me. When they bypassed me, it sent a pretty strong signal that I wasn't considered for the position at all and , by extension, had no upward future with the company.

I put it into words that he could understand:

"I get the perception that I am stuck in a permanent dead-end job."

I'm training my replacement next week.

Fuck it. I'll probably have to go back to office temp status again. Who knows? There isn't much that stresses and depresses me as much as looking for work, but I got some good news yesterday too- my grandmother is out of the recovery home and back at her real home!
When she went into hospital the docs said she didn't have a chance but she surprised everyone but herself and got better.
Funny thing, in 2005 the doctors told me they were sure that I was dead , but I wasn't. Three times I died, they said.
I don't remember- I wasn't alive at the time- but I got better.

I guess I got that stubbornness from my granny.


Only one show this weekend:

The Beatles- Across the Universe
God damn it all! I walk in this morning and there are no headphones. It's very hard to do a live radio broadcast without headphones. Calm down...
Nothing's gonna change my world...

Steve Hillage- Saucer Surfing
Listening to Hillage made me spend a lot of money on digital delay FX. It was worth it.

Supertramp- Sister Moonshine
Crisis? What crisis? Nothing's gonna change my world...

Pretty Things- The Letter/Rain
When I got to our meeting place
I stared into empty space
No one here for me
This is a two-part intro to my nine-part trilogy of heartache songs in the second hour of the show. Make sense? Good.

Pete Droge- Find Yourself a Door
Screw doors. Give me a bridge and a can of gasoline.

Brian Eno - Burning Airlines Gives You So Much More
Oh. No.

Point Records Sampler- #4
This is from a Point promo CD. The first 3 tracks are Phillip Glass but the sleeve says: "Includes 5 bonus tracks from the Point catalog."
Nowhere on the sleeve or disc does it say who the bonus tracks are by. Strange way to promote bands- anonymously.

Damien Dempsey- The Jar Song
Ah, Damo...

Led Zeppelin- Dazed and Confused
After all this time, this still sounds great.

10 CC- The Hospital Song
This is for my grandmother, who is no longer in the hospital!

Lou Reed- Satellite of Love
Sigh...

Bruce Cockburn- World of Wonders
Tip o' the dish to the Rube for pointing me at Bruce Cockburn. Let's travel overseas to Canada...
Too bad Bruce sings "fuck" on the first cut- it's awesome.

Rickie Lee Jones- The Real End
This song is dedicated to all my Scorpios, past present and future.

Pentangle- Mirage
This reminds me of something that was too good to be true. This is 120 seconds of aural bliss, then it's over, leaving you wanting more. How could it only last two minutes?
Part one.

Captain Beefheart- Too Much Time
Part two.

Fairport Convention- I'll Keep it With Mine
Part three.

Fiona Joyce- Cry Over You
Part four in my trilogy of heartache, loss, lies and betrayal.

King Crimson- The Night Watch
Where are the headphones?

Eleanor McCovey- Whisper and a Prayer
Part five in my trilogy of heartache, loss, lies, betrayal and unrequited love.

West of Eden- High Ground
You are looking for "total authenticity" on internet dating sites? Good fucking luck with that...part six.

Jethro Tull- Back To the Family
I think you had to be there.

Jefferson Airplane- Come Up the Years
This one is for my teenage Swedish internet girlfriend. Part seven.

Claanad- The Other Side
Sometimes I love this band. Sometimes I don't. I don't know why.

Blonde Redhead- En Particulier
This is for Petra, last seen on a beach in Southern France. Where did you go? We last spoke on my 40th birthday and my emails were never returned...sigh. Eight.

Steeleye Span- One Night as I Lay On My Bed
I have no idea what this song is about. Am I trying to depress the fuck out of myself? Nine.

Loreena McKennitt- Never-ending Road
Sometimes it seems like the never-ending road is a fucking hamster wheel. I'll try not to think about that...maybe a quiet song will calm me down. It's too early for a goddamn panic attack, but thinking about... and...and ...well, it's messing up my head.

Anuna- Sleepsong
How about six minutes of ambient choral music? Better than pills!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you ever tried to explain blogging to an 87-year-old woman? How'd that go?

I haven't told my grandmother about blog and how much it means to me, but I did tell her that a lot of my friends have been sending their get-well wishes and prayers to her. That made her happy.

She says thanks and so do I . Thanks!

Blue Man Grope

I feel your pain and it's starting to hurt, so wouldja just get better already?

I had eight and a half hours of airtime this weekend- three two-hour shows as DJ and one show as engineer/producer. I was so impressed with myself that I took my own picture so that you, the reader, could admire me as much as I admire myself. Actually, I was trying to examine the sunburn on my scalp but I won't post those pics... suffice it say that next time I go for a drive with the sunroof open I will wear a hat.

Anyway, six hours of music is about seventy-five songs- plus the 30 minutes I picked up from the 6am DJ who overslept- usually I post and narrate my playlists, but this is 75 fucking songs- who the hell would read that? Better yet, who would write it?

Me. But without the details this week.

First, Zendo Soundsystem. DJ Ras-Bob usually mixes it up with modern flavor, but my groove music collection tends towards the WayBack Machine and the Mothership Connection- (and a few cuts from South Park):

Cameo- Word Up
Funkadelic- Freek of the Week
Talking Heads- I Zimbra
Curtis Mayfield- Little Child Runnin' Wild
Master P- Kenny's Dead
Average White Band- Schoolboy Crush
Papa John Creach - Enjoy
Red Hot Chili Peppers-If You Want Me To Stay
Funkadelic- I'll Stay
Steve Hillage-Unzipping the Zype
Parliament- Big Bang Theory
Little Feat- Spanish Moon
Big Brother & the Holding Co.- Funkie Jim
Tower of Power- I Gotta Groove
Grace Jones- Inspiration
P-Funk All-Stars- Funky Kind( Knock it Down)
Isaac "Chef" Hayes- Simultaneous
Marvin Gaye- Come Get To This
Troublefunk- Woman of Principle
Kool & the Gang- She's a Bad Mama Jama
Rick James & Ike Turner- Love Gravy
Ray Manzarek- Begin The World Again
Stevie Wonder- Superstitious
George Clinton - Kredit Kard
Chris Spedding- Breakout
James Brown-Living in America

Saturday I spent four hours in gridlock and barely made it to the station in time to host Songs From the Big Hair, our weekly 1980's show. I had the pleasure of being assisted by my "trainee" Fontaine, who added some fresh air to my stale records. I used the air-quotes because Fontaine has been a DJ at another station for many, many years- in fact, she trained me as her summer substitute over a decade ago... by the end of the program she was running the show while my assistant Eric and I set up the studio for our musical guest - the wonderful Lauren Kendall - who played four fantastic songs on keyboard, voice and cello accompanied by her man Blake on percussion. Not only did they sound great, they also came prepared with gear and good-natured humor that helped soothe my white-knuckled nerves. Kudos to musicians who carry microphones with them- special thanks to L&B for the cables and to Fontaine for the tunes!

Big Hair:

Danielle Dax- Inky Bloaters
Gary Numan- Engineers
King Crimson- Model Man
Fleshtones- Girl From Baltimore
Opal- Magick Power
Crack The Sky- Lost in America
Dead Kennedys - Viva Las Vegas
Bad Brains- Re-Ignition
Sonic Youth- Hotwire my Heart
Siouxsie and the Banshees- Arabian Knights
XTC- Wake Up
Tom Tom Club -Genius of Love
Mission of Burma- That's When I Reach For My Revolver
King Crimson- Elephant Talk
X- White Girl
Tupelo Chain Sex- The Revolution Will Be Televised
Snakefinger- Kill the Great Raven
Talking Heads- The Great Curve
The Soft Boys - I Got the Hots
Keith Le Blanc - But Whitey/Einstein
The Cramps - Garbageman
The Blasters - I'm Shakin'
Pere Ubu - We Have the Technology
Magazine - The Honeymoon Killers
The Fall - Copped It
Pixies - Tony's Theme
Dream Syndicate - That's What You Always Say
Run DMC - Mary, Mary
Udokotela Shange Namajaha - Awungilobolele

By the time I was finished with Lauren's show I was exhausted and starving, having not had a chance to eat all day, so I said fuck the diet- I got myself some fried chicken and went home, did bongs and watched the Sci-Fi channel. Maybe it was the weed, but does Sci-Fi's original programming consist entirely of monsters eating bikini models? I didn't even notice when one movie ended and the next one began- all I know is that if you hike in the rain-forest wearing a g-string you will be eaten by dinosaurs.

I wanted to dream about the g-string models-sans dinos- but I barely had time to sleep at all before I had to rush back down to the studio at 6:30am to fill in for he-who-shall-not-be-named, who had * ahem* overslept.
Then, of course, my own weekly show.

The New Breakfast Snob:

Raput & The Sepuy- Up, up and away
The Scramblers- Mister Hot Rod
Circle Makers- Circles
Eleanor McCovey- Whisper and a Prayer
Victor Banana- Stall Genie-Gooseneck Hollow
King Crimson- Thrak
West of Eden- Hide and Seek
Rosemary Woods- Everywhere I Go
Clann an Drumma- Visedail
Velvet Underground- Sunday Morning
Fiona Joyce- Cry Over You
Siobhan Skates- Short a Penny
The Kinks- Village Green Preservation Society
Grace Slick & Paul Kantner- Ballad of the Chrome Nun
Loreena McKennitt- Caravansrai
Claanad- Why Worry?
Briege Murphy- The Sea
The Stranglers- Midnight Summer Dream
Marianne Faithfull- Witch's Song
Pentangle- Springtime Promises
Jethro Tull- Fat Man
Jefferson Airplane- Rock Me Baby
Little Feat- Fat Man in the Bathtub
Slick & Kantner- Fat
Captain Beefheart- This is the Day
PrettyThings- Goodbye/Going Downhill
Graham Central Station- Ole Smokey
10 CC- Sand in my Face
Mike Watt- Against the 70's
Tom Verlaine- Always
King Crimson- Ladies of the Road
PJ Harvey- Workin' For the Man
Can- Soup


Now for my next trick: some serious nap inaction.

Insomnia: A User's Guide Pt. 374

Ever had trouble sleeping and have someone suggest that you "count sheep?"
Bah.
Sleep is for the weak and counting sheep is for pussies.
I'm a bad-ass motherfucker, I don't need sleep and I sure as hell am not gonna waste my precious insomnia on being a virtual shepherd.
I like to lie awake all night and torture myself by making lists of things I can't change.
OK, that's not exactly true- I don't enjoy making the lists, but I do it anyway.

Here's a sampling from some of my fave self-torment lists:

THE LOVERS:
I'm not now and have never been promiscuous , so if I think about it long enough, I can actually name almost every woman I have ever slept with. But just counting them isn't enough, there aren't that many and it doesn't take long to merely list them. To really deprive myself of sleep, I need details.
So when the insomnia hits, I start sorting them by alphabetical order, last name (if known) first.
Then by chronology. And so on:
-Hair color.
-Astrological sign.
-Where we met.
-What music was playing?
-Drug of choice.
-Favorite position.
If we were 'dating', I replay the details of the break-up and try to figure out what it was that I did wrong. This leads to my next list- Faults, real or imagined:

THE FAULTS:
- HAIR: I started losing my hair when I was 18 but didn't admit it until I was 30 and I started shaving my head in a show of solidarity with my mom, who was undergoing chemo at the time.
If I had started shaving my head when I was 18, it would probably take me a lot longer than it does to count all my ex-lovers. For years, I had long hair and a bald spot, which is probably the least attractive hair-do a man can sport, short of wearing a toupee.
Once, a hippie GF convinced me to try wearing a ponytail.
I was dumb enough to agree.
I had a ponytail and a bald spot at 25 years old.
I may never outlive that shame.

- ROCKIN':
I used to be convinced that I would make a living playing music. Either that, or I would be dead before I turned 40. For 15 years, all my extra energy went into making music. I have at least six hours worth of my own material recorded- I could have written a novel, graduated college or invented a time machine with all of the energy I wasted on Rockin'.
Rockin' has ruined my love life more than once.
One of my girlfriends used to cheat on me when I had gigs- when I was on stage, she knew I wasn't gonna catch her at home...years later, I was trying to impress another woman with my musical awesomeness, so I sent her a CD. She called me and told me that my songs were indicative of serious mental illness and maybe it would be better if we didn't see each other.
That bothered me.

-GETTING WASTED:
I had a PermaBuzz from 1983 to 2005. From Absinthe to Xanax, I have done it all at least once. For a long time, this was fun, but it's really a difficult lifestyle to maintain and it tends to drive away sane people. I once boasted, truthfully, that I could snort an entire eight-ball in two giant lines. That ability didn't exactly attract the best sort of person, my personal possessions had a habit of vanishing when certain 'friends' visited.
And it leads to my new favorite list...


YET ANOTHER BRUSH WITH DEATH:

- DEATH BY AUTO:
Years ago, a man ran a stop sign and I broadsided his new Lexus with my old Honda at 55 mph, totalling both cars. We both emerged unscathed...I was so surprised to be unhurt that I didn't even get mad at the guy, in fact, we sorta bonded on the roadside, looking at the wrecked cars and waiting for the cops...dude sent me $600 even though I told him I wasn't planning on suing or anything.
A year or so later, I blew a tire and bounced my newer Accord across five lanes of rush-hour traffic. I hit a Ford, totalling it, bounced off a Toyota ( wrecked) and finally stopped pinballing when I hit a guardrail. My Honda had a couple dents and lost a headlight. The police officer said he couldn't imagine how I managed to wreck two cars while barely hurting my own. I drove away without a bruise or a ticket...my 4th of July collision with a deer made me think about that...three serious smash-ups that I've walked away from without a scratch.

-DEATH BY SCORPIO:
I haven't had a lot of girlfriends, but at least half of them have been Scorpios and each one of them has made at least one attempt on my life. Knives, guns, a bass guitar and a Wolf-Shepherd hybrid are some of the weapons employed by Scorpios seeking my demise. On the positive side, a failed murder attempt can lead to some pretty terrific revenge sex. It's the mortality buzz, I guess.

-DEATH BY BOOZE:
This is the one that lingers on my mind the most. When I saw the deer's blood and guts on the side of my car, the first thing I thought of was my own experience with alcohol-
induced internal hemorrhaging and how much of my own blood I have seen. If you drink heavily for a long, long time, your guts will literally dissolve and you will drown in your own blood - that is what happened to me.
I made it to the ER with a few minutes to spare. When I read the recent news story about a woman who bled to death in an L.A. hospital ER, I had a flashback that triggered a serious panic episode, so I know the fear is still with me. The fear keeps me sober.

I'd like to think that all these close calls have made me braver or stronger somehow, but yesterday it caught up to me- all of it- and I was literally paralyzed by thought. I spent the afternoon just sitting and trying not to think about all of the things that I have just spent an hour describing.
It must have worked, because I actually did sleep last night and my dreams weren't at all bad.

I had a good dream.
My dream had an accent, not an accident.
It was full of love and it rocked without fault.